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Wednesday, February 18, 2015

In the Hunts Post! Way-hey!

My new book got an article in the Hunts Post, my local paper back in Huntingdon, UK. It goes from door to door in all the villages and towns and cities, 100,000s of people...maybe one of them will see it and think "Mmm, I might have a look at that..."
This is a BIG break for me! Thanks to Lauren Nash at the Hunts Post! :-)

Two of my kinkiest :-)

Just finished writing up the last two Weekend Quickies. The elements seemed to have a certain 'quality' about them. Perhaps our 'erotica' writer DL Zwissler in TIW was having that kind of weekend, what with Valentine's...
So, here are perhaps possibly my 'kinkiest' to date (rather silly)

Weekend Quickie (#86)???

(Edible Underwear, Godzilla, a Mannequin that looks like your mother, Victoria Secret. 150 words)


“Hey, Simmons! That mannequin looks like your mother!”
He gave Johnson the bird and continued to stare at the lingerie window display.  The dummy in question was wearing some line from Victoria Secret. At least that’s what it said on the tag. He wondered whether they stocked what he was looking for.
“The Porno shop is down the street, Simmons! Go get yourself a film or summit! Ha!”
Ignoring his classmates’ taunts, he stepped into the shop, passing by a couple of women searching through the bras. They gave him evil stares. The shop assistant at the counter seemed a little surprised to see a small uniformed boy standing before her, but she smiled.
“Yes? Can I help you?”
“Yes, please. Do you have edible underwear?”
“What?” The shop assistant looked at him like he was Godzilla.
“The sweet shop down the street is closed. I’m dying for some candy...”

Weekend Quickie (#87)??? Sunday Edition

(RPaticorn (Robert Pattinson), a Brick, a Palm tree, a Japanese Fisherman. 150 words)

Down by the river, I watched the ducks and swans fight for what crumbs were left from the kids who’d stopped there for a break to or from wherever they were going or coming. A fisherman sat close by and mumbled under his breath.
“Sorry?”
Sorera no imaimashī kodomo-tachi wa, karera ga sakana o hanarete obie!”
“Erm...”
“Anata no eigo, anata wa nani no tame no keii o motteinai!”
Confused, I moved on quickly, only to trip on the edge of a brick which was set higher than the others in the newly-laid path near the river and found myself hugging what looked like a palm tree to keep from falling. Images of Robert Pattinson in a pink unicorn costume came into my head, ‘RPaticorn’. The fisherman held up his fist and said something.
Next time I’m gonna lay off those double choc chip brownies from my mate in Amsterdam.




Tuesday, February 17, 2015

New review for 'How to" :-)

Yes, finally got my second review from Jason Brick, a fantastic guy! He's putting together an anthology called "Baby Shoes" and I'm contributing. Watch that space...
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1727584460/baby-shoes-celebrating-flash-fiction

TIW...looks like I'm gonna stay in the background for a while. I still have a Grudge match and a challenge to do, though. And probably a few Quickies...
Can't find much time to work on that novel, but I am doing a "Robin Round" with A. Francis Raymond on Twitter. She writes a bit, I write a bit. We're getting there, slowly. It might stop tomorrow, it might never stop...just search for #amwriting #livestory on twitter and you'll find it. She also wrote a blog about it here...
http://afrancisraymond.com/1/post/2015/02/our-first-twitter-live-story.html

Oh, here's that review :-) (Do you know Robert Asprin?)

"A twisted faerie tale in the proud tradition of Robert Asprin"

By BrickCommaJaons on February 17, 2015
Format: Kindle Edition
A twisted faerie tale in the proud tradition of Robert Asprin's Myth series. Wit from dry to ridiculous, banter to be proud of and a storyline that walks the divide between the familiar and the bizarre.

This is my first taste of Dani J Caile. I will be back for seconds.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

TIW Challenge 100

Almost 2 years of Iron Writer...
Yes, it's TIW 100 and I'm in it. Please go and read and vote :-)
http://theironwriter.com/challenge-100/
This time, I've tried a little 'non-omnipotent' POV of a 'princess', a kind of bubble view from a hole in a castle wall. It starts with a hint of 'Death of a Moth' and moves into a 'Carry On/Monty Python' type, finishing with a 'happy' ending...Mathew...hehehe...

"How to Build a Castle in Seven Easy Steps" is still very available. Please pick up a copy here...
http://www.amazon.com/Build-Castle-Seven-Easy-Steps-ebook/dp/B00SOZYR6G

There is also a hint that I'll be contributing to a NEW emag some time in the future, with reviews, articles, etc. Who knows if that'll help.

The other day I was standing in my usual place in the train station, waiting, early morning, the moon shining bright. Opposite the tracks from where I stand is an almost derelict house. The kitchen light is usually on. In my sleepy state I found myself staring into the blackness of a window, only to see a silhouette of some movement...I quickly turned away. I think I'll find another place to stand.



Tuesday, February 3, 2015

TIW Novel entry :-) Chapter 1...

January was difficult. Broke my wrist in December, trying to recover from that, and handed in the first Chapter of the TIW novel (see first half of it below).
I also had an idea for a kid's book, an idea for a Dr Seuss book, and an idea for a sequel to...
'How to Build a Castle in Seven Easy Steps'...which is still out there, waiting for a home...
http://www.amazon.com/Build-Castle-Seven-Easy-Steps-ebook/dp/B00SOZYR6G


Here's the first half of Chapter 1 of my TIW Novel entry "Along Bobbed a Peanut"...I might change it as I go on, though...




Chapter One

"Have you noticed..." began Nigel. His partner-in-crime, Horris, opened one eye from his early morning nap and glared. "Have you noticed..."
"Not yet, no," replied Horris.
"...that certain chocolate bars these days are smaller?" He held up an empty wrapper of an example he'd eaten much earlier for all to see. The two of them in the boat. "They weigh exactly the same but..."
"What's your argument, Nigel? That as the years have passed, chocolate factories across the globe have surreptitiously recalibrated their machines, millimetre by millimetre, milligram by milligram, to decrease the size of their products and increase the weight of their packaging so that their loyal sugar-toothed consumers continue on in their sad little cocoa-driven lives, unaware of this atrocious, villianous conspiracy?"
"Err...yeah, something like that, yeah." Nigel dropped the empty wrapper into the boat and glanced over the side. "They're not biting this morning, are they?"
"No." Horris shifted his fishing hat to cover his forehead and continued with his nap. It wasn't long before Nigel woke him again, moving the boat and splashing water. "What are you doing?"
"Eating," munched Nigel.
"What? You into sushi now? And when did you start catching fish with your hands?"
"I don't, I mean I'm not, erm...I'm eating peanuts." Horris heard the crunching.
"Peanuts? I thought you'd eaten everything you brought?" Where had he stashed them?
"I had."
"Then..." Horris shifted his hat back up to cover his bald patch and opened both eyes. He saw Nigel scooping peanuts from the river. "Since when do peanuts come from the water?"
"Since now, I guess," smiled Nigel, who seemed happy and content with his find. Looking up river and down, Horris observed a thin line of peanuts floating on the surface of the water, moving with the flow. "Not very salty, though, but they hit the spo..."
Tasting a single peanut floating by, Horris noticed they sat in silence. Nigel's face had turned white, his arm like stone, with his hand hidden under the water.
"What is it?" asked Horris. Last time he'd seen Nigel this spooked was when he'd lost his change down at the Mad Cat and couldn't get that last short. Nigel slowly lifted his hand, water dripping into the river. "What is...holy shit!" Nigel gripped a thin, white wrist, a feminine hand hanging limp from the joint with the connecting arm disappearing into the dark depths...

 




Probably the BEST quickies ever...

There were two new TIW Weekend Quickies hidden on the TIW website, so I tried them.
They are probably the best I've written for a while. What do you think?



Snow Day

(Elements: a Snow Day, Cajun food, a letter to a stranger. 150 words)
 
It was a snow day like no other. The drifts were six feet deep, some reaching ten, the roads frozen oceans waiting to crash against the rocks of the houses and street lamps were survivors of some unknown ship wreak, overboard and struggling to keep afloat above the white raging waves. The children, their schools shut for the day or week, no one cared, crunched through the soft cool cover with a fury, punching through the halted breakers and throwing snowballs to whomever they could find, while their guardians and providers of all stood aside, envying their every second.
It was that day she left us, dictating her last will and testament like some letter to a stranger, leaving her lifetime collections to her abundant loved ones, including her recipe for gumbo to Aunt Jemima. That day I would never forget.
And the children they played on regardless, unknowing. Innocent.

Allergy

(Elements: Superbowl halftime show, Peanuts, Allergic reaction to stadium seating. 150 words)

I held onto her hand, the machine breathing for her.
"I'm sorry, I thought it was the peanuts," I whimpered, looking over her face for some sign of consciousness. "I shouldn't have dragged you to the Super Bowl, but hey, it was a chance of a lifetime to bag those tickets. We had to go! How...How was I to know?"
Okay, she had a little eczema when she put on that special lingerie I bought her for our anniversary, but nothing like this. It started with a rash, then a little cough, though by the halftime show, she'd collapsed in the aisle, trying to escape. Give them credit, the medics knew exactly what to do.
"How was I to know? Polyamide? Polyamide? It's a damn plastic! How was I to know you'd have an allergic reaction to the stadium seating?" I sobbed as the ambulance rushed through the traffic.





Monday, February 2, 2015

New interview up on Stevie Turner's blog! :-)

Yes, Stevie Turner, great indie thriller writer agreed to interview me for my new book, 'How to build a castle in 7 easy steps'!
The interview can be found here....
http://www.stevie-turner-author.co.uk/interview-with-dani-j-caile

Or here...
https://steviet3.wordpress.com/2015/01/30/stevie-interviews-published-author-dani-j-caile/

The book can be found here...in Kindle and Paperback :-)

http://www.amazon.com/Build-Castle-Seven-Easy-Steps/dp/1940938430

...still only has one lonely review :-(