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Monday, October 8, 2012

Revamped 2nd part from MBAT for competition

Well, I had a go at re-writing a small piece from 'Man by a tree' for a competition (644 words). Sharper, hopefully more 'bare', and it fits within the 800 word limit.

Eternal


Two cars totally trashed, a head-on collision in the pouring rain. One carried a mother with her daughters, the other a middle-aged businessman. The paramedics had reached the scene quickly, but could do nothing for them. They were still trying to breathe life into the mother when the strange man appeared.
Mingling with the passers-by who braved the storm for a few moments, he watched the more blood-curious moving closer to the mangled metal for a better view. The victims, now in shock, hovered towards him.
“Don’t worry, everything will be all right. This is not the end, only the continuation of your eternal flow.”
The mother held onto her children, drifting in a daze towards him. The middle-aged businessman, in a suit and tie, also began to move in his direction.
“Where are you going?” The strange man held his palm up.
“To…I’m…” said the suit, stopping in his tracks.
“Overtaking, were you? On a road where it’s forbidden? See that unbroken white line, it’s there for a reason... and I guess you were speeding too, huh?”
The suit stood still.
“What’s wrong with speeding? I do it all the time.”
“Sorry, I’m not taking you, you’re not on my list. Speeding, it shows a complete lack of respect.” The strange man glanced over to the roadside signalling the man aside. “There are others who will come for you.”
The suit was carrying something in his right hand.
Is that what I think it is?” The strange man pointed to the black object held in the suit’s hand, a mobile phone. Definitely not taking you.”
No sooner said, they heard a jabbering of tongues and fluttering of wings. The others had come to do their work.
“Hey, they’re so cute.” The suit greeted the little creatures as they flew around him. “Hello,” he said, as he gave them a smile. The next moment, the suit fell to the ground, feet roped up, and was being dragged off into the dark, dismal night.
“Hey! What? Hey!…Help!”
There were selfish monkeys like this everywhere around the world, doing whatever they wished with no regard for their fellow man. Perhaps they all took a questionnaire which allowed them to act this way, preferably a ‘Yes/No’ questionnaire, as that was all their self-centred little brains could handle.
“And do you… steal subordinates ideas and suggestions and take them as your own in the next board meeting?”
“Why, yes.”
“…Drive like an idiot with little or no regard for the law or fellow drivers?”
“Of course, yes.”
“…Take a hugely inflated salary with no qualms, knowing full well that it is undeserved, that what you do for it does not qualify it?”
“How do you think I got here today?”
“Please, yes or no.”
“Yes.”
“Do you sign a job description and take full responsibility for your actions and decisions?”
“No, that’s quite absurd.”
“Do you pass on responsibility to anyone else regardless of who they are, if your actions and decisions create a problem?”
“Yes. Isn’t that my job?”
“Please, I’m asking the questions here…Do you treat your fellow colleagues and subordinates with the respect they deserve?”
“No.”
“Congratulations, you’ve got the job! Here’s your inflated salary, a pass to the executive washroom, and your Audi keys.”
The four of them stood there as the the suit disappeared feet first and the scene unfolded with paramedics and other services completing their gruesome but honourable duties. The strange man opened up a portal.
“You’ll soon be home.”
The mother and her family had now changed shape and remembered their original goal, they were ready to return. Two angels came down through the portal and took the three souls in their arms, leading them into the light.
As the portal closed, the strange man took one final look. Shrugging his coat tight on his shoulders, he turned and left.

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