Ironology (TIW Anthology 1) + Grudge 12 - updated

Yes, the official anthology of TIW challenges is out!

Here is the Kindle version on Amazon...
http://www.amazon.com/Ironology-2014-Challenge-Championship-Anthology-ebook/dp/B00OIEY9SS
..and on Smashwords for a dollar cheaper...
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/484861

Hey! I have a new interview here! Come and read :-)
 http://libraryoferana.wordpress.com/2014/10/25/darker-places-horror-and-dark-fantasy-anthology-author-interview-dani-j-caile/

Plus just got trounced in Grudge 12 with my 'tribute' to Huxley's Brave New World, co-written by Mathew W Weaver. My part of the story examines my state at this time, in a box, waiting in the dark...unfortunately, not many of the judges could relate to that. Here it is...

UPDATE: a piece of feedback..spot on, I think...
"I must add that "As Stated" was a very well stated position on meaninglessness, and the futility of existence within mans ineffectiveness to find meaning through "the law"; his own attempt to establish a utopia .... as stated. It reminded me of Plato's, "The Cave.""

“As stated under Regulation 16″ (Grudge 12)

“As stated under Regulation 16 By-law 22 Section 2 Point 4.1 Appendix 3 Paragraph 42 of the Manifesto Issued by Those Within The Box, as of now, it is my turn with the red Lionel toy train.”

Watson grabbed the treasured object and tugged. John held it closer to his chest. The damp, mouldy cardboard box shook with their wrestling and wrangling, straining the rips in the corners.

“It’s mine!” John snarled.

“Guys, please, mind The Box!” warned Bernard, fed up with their confined, disease-ridden dystopian world.

“Quack,” Howard agreed.

“Oh, shut up.” John let go, and Watson retreated in triumph to his corner.

“Quaaack.”

“Why bother learning, Howard? When was the last time we had a duck in here?” John sighed.

“You never know…QUACK.”

The misery, the oppression, the overcrowding…Bernard couldn’t take it anymore, the insanity was torturing.

“Don’t you wish you were free?” he asked, struggling to his feet, his head jammed against the top of The Box.

“No,” a voice from another corner muttered.

“Squalor is next to ugliness,” Watson commented, train in hand. He giggled, “My precioussssssssssssss……”

“Oh, miserable old box…I so love having rags for clothes,” grumbled John.

“Is it just me, then?” Bernard demanded as ants nested under his moist patch of fear. “The dirt, the smell, the insecurity of it all? Doesn’t it bother you?”

“Go if you want. We can do without you,” Watson snapped, annoyed at the interruption to his play. John tried to swipe the toy train back and missed.

“Quack.”

“Look at you! You don’t even know what’s out there!” Bernard jabbed a finger in the air. “Don’t you care? We’re Schrodinger’s cats as far as anyone or anything out there is concerned!”

“I hate cats,” murmered John.

“I like quacks,” Howard interjected, “How about we all be Schrodinger’s ducks instead?”

“My preciousssssss,” Watson hissed.

“Are we…are we alive or dead?” whined Bernard.

“Dunno. If we’re Schrodinger’s ducks, then we’ll only know if someone opens The Box.”

“Quack.”

Bernard looked around at his companions and saw the miserable, pathetic life they had, never once wondering what it was like outside. Surely there was more than this…

“I’m leaving,” he said.

“Good riddance, you and your ‘oppression’,” mumbled Watson.

Bernard shook his head, and looked up at the sagging roof inches from his nose. He sucked in, and punched upwards into the unknown. Whether or not the others were watching he did not know or care; his fist sank through the rotting cardboard like a clenched hand through thick, wet paper. Light shined through, and madness seized him. He reached, grabbed, and pulled himself out.

A flap closed on the hole in the top of The Box, and the light dimmed once more.

Watson sniffed.

“Finally.”

John leaped forward, “My turn! MY TURN WITH THE TRAIN!”

“Quack,” Howard said, shifting aside as they rolled past him.

Soft tapping on the side of The Box cut through their yells and made them pause.

“Can I come back in, please? It’s cold out here.”

Funny C86!! Really...

Unfortunately I lost the TIW Autumn Final :-(

BUT....this story is very funny, especially if you remember the Batman TV series from 1966-69...
Please read, enjoy and vote :-)
"Motion in the Potion"
 http://theironwriter.com/challenge-86/ 

Quick one, I know....later...

Big Publishers DON'T CARE about YOU

I read 'The Fault in our Stars' by John Green last week (I made the joke 'fault in our stairs'? I have one of them...then I was shown a picture from the internet :-)). It took a few days to read. An entertaining book. I thought I'd finally found a new writer who could write. I was wrong. I had found a 'writer's support group' who could make a good book. What, I hear you say? How dare you! Read the acknowledgements at the back of the book, the list is endless...a 6 year old could have written that book with that team behind them. Really...maybe even a monkey. There's a picture of him at the back...reminded me of a student running through the streets like a king, molesting the girls, laughing at the locals, pissing up his parents support and drifting through college. Don't get me wrong, I love his books!!...ya don't need to tell me he's doing a good job.
Then I spotted a John Green quote about 'Public Education' on fb...at first funny but then superficial. If you're listening, John Green, Public Education is good in theory but is unfortunately a political tool. When a headmaster retires in this country, they are replaced by a supporter of this leading power, and the administrative infrastructure and school subjects and all the teachers use have been changed to match the views of said power. That's Public Education. Educate yourself...(but keep away from religion)... Plus John Green used the 'Cancer Perk', as do many writers. Many writers follow a trend (vampires, werewolves, etc) and some even grab a transparent issue of the day and write, knowing that people will buy the book just to say 'I have that'...the book "Vernon God Little" by DBC Pierre, Booker Prize for Literature and catching on the theme of American school shootings...20% of people who bought that book, finished it. The rest put it on their shelf...'I have that'...
So what do we?
...Publishers want to make money.
They don't care about you.
They know you'll buy a book if...
1. someone says it's good (marketing);
2. it's easily available to buy (distribution).
That's it. They don't care if the book is 'art', if it's a 'classic', if it 'educates you', if it 'entertains' you, if it attacks your views (that one's for 'Salmon' Rushie...see how I spelt that? See?). They want money.
I'd like some money, too. But I'd write to spiral us 'up' and not keep us in the shit we call a 'civilisation'...
...rant over...breath...and continue :-)

A FINAL! Need your vote...!

Yes, thanks to you I got into the TIW Autumn Open Final! :-)
It's a semi-serious piece, seeing as I was reading 'The Fault in Our Stars' when I wrote it.
Please come and read and vote for it here!
http://theironwriter.com/challenge-85-autumn-equinox-final-round/

AND, as a SPECIAL BONUS, my collaboration (the FIRST EVER on TIW) with Jordan Bell, Grudge 11, is up on the site! Come and read it and applaud!
http://theironwriter.com/grudge-match-11-monday-september-22-2014

Next week is TIW Challenge 86..I'm in that, with a FANTASTICALLY FUNNY story...wait and see :-)

Had 10 free downloads of DS3 in one day...something is happening...maybe...:-)

'Circuits & Steam' available for 1 week!

Yes, finally, but for only 1 week, 'Circuits & Steam' is available to buy....(so, Mom, quick! Get the card out!)
This anthology has a super cool Steampunk short story of mine. If you really really wanna have a read of mine and the other cool stories, it's here...
http://www.amazon.com/Circuits-Steam-3-Fates-Press/dp/1940938333

FREE ebook 'Tales from Darker Places'

'Tales from Darker Places' is now FREE on Lulu.com.
http://www.lulu.com/shop/the-indie-collaboration/the-indie-collaboration-presents-tales-from-darker-places-a-chilling-horror-anthology/ebook/product-21850137.html

Let's see if that helps with the 'exposure'. Read a few of the other stories now...my 2 stories are at the back, go read them :-)
Yes, voting time is coming...

Pitman and the 'Books by the Banks' workshop

 Busy week. 'Tales from Darker Places' came out, and I have 2 short stories in the back :-)
On Thursday starts the TIW Autumn Open Final and I'll need some votes.
Next week both TIW Challenge 86 and Grudge 12 start and I'm in both of them. Challenge 86 needs votes, so I guess it's 2 weeks of toting for votes :-)
To pass the time 'til Thursday, here's a little 200 word 'Quickie'...
A wonderful TIW member, Michael D. Pitman, did a TIW workshop at 'Books By The Banks'...please, don't ask me where it was...in the USA, somewhere. He organised and ran 2 'Quickies' for the writers there, and this is my take for the first one.

Elements: jealousy, a chair and baseball game.

Obscenities, fruit and even a foldaway chair were thrown onto the playing field from the grandstand. This was not Dooger’s greatest performance.
"Come on, man! Wake up! That’s three in a row ya let walk, not to mention the other eight in the last innings!” shouted Wade, the catcher. The Rascals were 10 down with only 2 more innings to play.
"Sorry, Wade, but it’s Cheryl!”
"Oh Christ, man! Forget her! Move on! We’ve got a game to play here!”
The umpire beckoned them both over.
"You tell this guy to start playing better or I’ll eject him from the field! It’s getting dangerous out here!”
The crowd continued to whistle and shout.
"What? You can’t do that!”
"Watch me!”
"But ump, it’s his girl!”
"Oh hell, girl trouble? Get over it!” The umpire shook his head. „What happened?”
"She caught me with Flossy.”
"She caught you with another girl? Then what do you expect? Play the game!”
"No, no, Flossy is a goat from next door.”
"A goat!? What? Beastiality ain’t popular in these parts!”
"What? Who’s talking about beastiality? I was painting her hooves! Cheryl got jealous, said I never did anything like that for her!”
"You’re gone!”

Tales from Darker Places

I finally got a few short stories in another anthology, this time with The Indie Collaboration :-)
This group of writers get together and create stories every 3 months to show the world that there is some great writing outside the main publishing houses! Well, yes, of course! :-)
My two stories, seated at the end of the book, are...
A Day in the life of a Zombie...rather like Walking Dead but told from the zombie's point of view.
Payback...an 'almost' true story
Find it here on Amazon...
http://www.amazon.com/Indie-Collaboration-Presents-Chilling-Anthology-ebook/dp/B00ODS3HQY
or here on Amazon.co.uk
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00ODS3HQY
or here as a Paperback :-)
http://www.amazon.com/dp/150272913X

Nice to see my name there on the cover...I'll be doing more of these, hopefully :-)

When TIWs get together...revisited

Yep. I won Grudge #11 by default and decided to take it out on Mathew W Weaver, seeing as he was the one who challenged me.
Here is a little 'one guy' relay I wrote on one of his Facebook posts. Hope you like it.

The Duel of Procrastination

Mathew shuffled to the sound of leaves falling from the resting trees as he hid behind a particularly thorny bramble bush, away from the searching eyes of those present. His seemingly constant flow of procrastination had finally placed him in a particularly prickly situation and his suit of slightly rusting armour was no match for the persistant spikey bush which had the ability to seek out the joining hinges.
"Where is that Weaver?!" shouted an irate Dani. "He was meant to be here three days ago! We're running out of peanut butter and jello sandwiches!"
Jordan stood firm, clenching the case which held the two dueling pistols.
"He's not coming, can't you see that?" Jordan dropped the pistols' case and opened one of the six pack he'd brought along. "Fancy a beer?"
"Nah, you never know, he might appear. I've gotta keep my wits about me," said Dani, waving off the can once, twice, three times. Jordan swung it his way once more and he took it and had a swig.
Mathew spotted his chance and ran out of the hedge, away from the two drinking their beers. For armour, it was surprisingly light and flexible and he sprinted across to the playground, towards safety and a chance for a chip butty.
"Look! There he goes!" screamed Jordan, losing half his beer as he pointed. Dani dropped his and grabbed the pistols' case.
"Give me that! Ahh!" The harder he tried to open the case, the less chance it would.
"You've bent the hinges now! It'll never open!" Jordan caught the case as Dani threw it away in disgust.
"No matter. I have one of these!" Dani took out a large can opener and chased after Mathew. "I'll get that bugger if it's the last thing...!" He tripped over a mole hill.
THE END.

Need your vote! (Plus a Grudge win! Yeah!)

Hey! Manna-X Kindle reached #239,210 Paid in Kindle Store...then dropped like a stone! OK, not so good but better than usual...a few have left for devices across the USA...somewhere...someone is reading it!

This week 2 wonderful things areup.
The first is TIW Grudge 11, a collaboration work between myself and Jordan Bell against Mathew W Weaver and Mamie Pound. The other team was late, 2 days were added to the deadline and the story didn't appear, so Brian announced that WE WON! Yeah! Still not up on the site, though

BUT...more importantly, the TIW Autumn Open Prelims are on! I'll need your vote here! And anyone else who has an IP address!
"Inside the Womb"...
The biggest of the 4 elements for myself was the last, the interview, and so my story is a futuristic TV programme which goes into a famous person's mother's womb and interviews them just before birth...it's the mother of...can ya guess?....Agatha Christie!!! :-)
http://theironwriter.com/2014-autumn-equinox-open-agatha-christie-bracket/

'New' review on Amazon.ca!

I completely missed this review on Canada's Amazon site!
Thanks, Sebastian, for this! If I remember right, you've got the 2nd book somewhere, maybe even the 3rd and 4th too!
The Canadian site...


Man by a tree

5.0 out of 5 stars A hilarious twist on religion! Feb. 26 2014

By Sebastian Borsos

Format:Kindle Edition

A book that makes you think and laugh at the same time. With a story that had me absorbed by the end, it was difficult to put it down! A good combination of intellectualism and entertainment makes for a fun read. Definitely recommended
I am already waiting on the next book in the series to arrive in the mail!

New interview on Laura Robert's Blog!

I've got a new interview over on Laura Robert's blog!
It's a woozey! :-) Thanks, Laura!
http://blackheartmagazine.com/2014/09/22/manna-x-an-interview-with-dani-j-caile/

I've also just sent in 2 fantastic stories to the Iron Writer, one for the Grudge Match 11, a collaboration with Jordan Bell, 250ish words each, and my entry for the Autumn 2014 Prelims. More on those later!
But hey! Get over to the interview!

News...news..news...:-)

Long time no posts again!
Been busy writing...at the moment I'm in a completely new format TIW Grudge match, trying to wrestle with another author's ego (Jordan Bell) as well as my own. We're on our 2nd (3rd?) attempt at creating a collaboration 500 word story with some insane elements. We might get lucky.
I'm also now waiting on 3...yes, 3 anthologies, two from Three Fate Press and 1 from the Indie Collaboration. I have no idea whether any piece will be published yet.
Still waiting on the cover artist of "How to build a castle in seven easy steps"...no reply...apparently I am 'impatient'...if I'd self-published the book would've been out now...but I'd be in the wilderness. Better to wait. It's an 'epic'. If anyone catches on to that fact, "Hello fame, hello fortune"..yeah, right...the action of writing something which might make a change is the reason I'm doing this...
There should also be a fantastic new little interview somewhere...though I can't find it ATM...perhaps the person forgot to post it.

Later...:-)

When TIWs get together...The Mirror

Yeah, I won TIW Challenge 81! The popular vote got it for me, as it was evens-Stevens after the judge vote...I know who hates me now...won't be saying 'hello' to that one for a while...so I'm in the Autumn Open :-)

C81	J1	J2	J3	J4	PV		Total
A Bear in the Woods - Dani J Caile	2	1	3	1	1	1	9
House of the Golden Slayer - Laura Roberts	1	3	1	2	3	3	13
Mamma and Papa's House - M. D. Pitman	3	2	2	3	2	2	14
Little Schiz-pot - Neal Sayatovich	4	4	4	4	4	4	24

And today, a TIW impromtu relay 'just happened' :-) Both myself, Mathew W Weaver and Christopher A Liccardi (Mathew started this one) had a go at another of Jordan Bell's facebook profile pictures, a particularly 'scary' one in a steamed up mirror...that guy has more profile pictures than...than...anyone I know :-) Here's the result (well, it went on a little further, but here's my punchline :-))

The Mirror 
(Impromtu relay 18 Sept 2014)
 

Mathew W. Weaver

The muzzle was still warm when he laid it down on the sink. The metal hit the ceramic with a clang loud enough to make a normal man jump, any man with the nerves of jelly after what he had just done. But this was no normal man.

Dani J Caile

No normal man at all. His reflection in the mirror seemed foggy and...distant. Who was that person staring back at him? Those eyes, that nose, the lack of hair on the top of his head were all so familiar and yet...

Jordan Bell 
Uh oh. Here we go again!

Christopher A Liccardi

Strangely different. He had been wearing another face the last time he looked at his reflection. It was a woman this time. She was pretty, or had been, blonde and naive. Her first mistake was to open the door when the bell rang at...

Dani J Caile

...two minutes til the witches' hour. How was she to know that keeping awake at that hour procrastinating with her buddies on facebook would lead her to such a violent and lethal fate? The hynoptising trancelike backbeat of a Justin Bieber song still rang deep in his mind.

Mathew W. Weaver

It was all so confusing. He leaned over and gripped the edges of the sink tightly, his knuckles whitening. He breathed out, glanced at the mirror, and looked away. His gaze fell on his hands. In the dim light and the steam off the shower, he could barely make them out. Were they thick, burly red sausages or slim, dainty white feminine digits?

Dani J Caile

Shaking his head, his vision cleared and he breathed a sigh of relief. His manly hand , strained and tense, grasped the thin long ungrilled vienna virsli he'd taken in those last stressful moments of the struggle. But that face...?

Christopher A Liccardi

 and those memories; flashes another persons life. He was an intruder in those things he saw. Each familiar, but each one glaringly not his own. He wasn't going to have them long. He needed to feed again... and soon. This time he was thinking about that writer who had run into him in the Stop and Save parking lot. What an...

Dani J Caile

...absolute waste of pen and paper, those King clone scribbles he'd noticed over his shoulder. It would be a blessing to the world if that writer was his next victim.

Mathew W. Weaver

 And then, with that thought, everything became so much more clearer. The throbbing headache faded and his vision, inexplicably clouded again, spontaneously cleared. He saw the blood on his hands. He saw the pistol within grasp. He knew what he needed to do....

Dani J Caile

Go and grill those vienna virsli!

Dani's Shorts 3 hits 100+ free downloads!

Finally! DS3 goes over 3 figures...even for free it's difficult for an unknown writer to get their books downloaded...read is another matter...reviewed is even harder.
DS3 on Smashwords...
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/470944
DS3 on Amazon...
http://www.amazon.com/Danis-Shorts-3-Dani-Caile-ebook/dp/B00N7YGLBS
The highest ranking was No. 9626 in the Free Kindle Store...small steps...

A few TIW things going on...
Challenge 81 is still on, and I'll  be in Grudge 11, a special one, later...later...oh, soon...:-)

Dani's Shorts 3 FREE on Amazon!

Yes, I made 'Dani's Shorts 3' available for FREE on Amazon for the next 4 days. If you prefer to download it from there, here's the link...
http://www.amazon.com/Danis-Shorts-3-Dani-Caile-ebook/dp/B00N7YGLBS
A review would be nice, too :-)
Of course, it's always FREE on Smashwords, but it's not so Kindle-friendly I guess...
Trying to get to 100 downloads...yes, I know it's not much, but it's another small step.

Challenge 81 is still on until THursday, so if you really think you know which story is mine...the funny one...then please vote :-)
http://theironwriter.com/challenge-81/

My take on TIW 82 :-)

Someone had the idea of changing their 'tagwords' on KDP Amazon to match the famous writer their work is close to...so I added Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett...they didn't allow me to put Dan Brown...too many misleading hits, apparently...I think the Brown Mafia have something to do with it. Let's see what that does....

And yes, here's my version of TIW Challenge 82, another 'marital strife' type dialogue
...if you haven't voted for my story in Challenge 81, please do so...it's the solemn funny one....
http://theironwriter.com/challenge-81/

The Brother

TIW Challenge 82

(4 elements - A Arnold Schwarzenegger Commando Action Figure, A New (10th) Circle of Hell (meaning you have to make it up and give it a title), The Dunning Kruger Effect, Perfume Atomizer)

She came in, spraying her perfume atomizer around the room. Someone was coming round. Who was it?

"I've told you a thousand times, my work doesn't smell." I sealed the box up and put my collection of Amblytelus ground beetles away into their particular drawer.

"I don't care. I hate those things. Smell or no smell, I think they're disgusting."

"It's my work, dear, my field of expertise." To make her feel more at ease, I opened the window to let some fresh air in.

"My brother will be here soon, so take those joggy bottoms of yours off and put on something more…respectable."

"Your brother? But that's the second time this month? What does he want now? More money?" I checked my wallet, making sure there was enough to cover such a visit.

"Brian! How dare you! He's my brother. If he needs money, then we can help him out."

"Why doesn't he get a job?"

"Brian!" She rushed across the room, spraying her perfume atomizer along the furniture and the sofa, only to find her supply running out.

"Well, he thinks he knows everything!"

"You know he's unskilled…"

"Yes, but he's always ready to tell me what's right and what's wrong, isn't he? It's those muscles of his, it makes him think he's some kind of superhero who can do anything. I'm sure he suffers from the Dunning Kruger Effect…"

"He's my brother, you can't talk about him like that! And anyway, there's nothing wrong with a little muscle…"

I watched as she left the room and emerged with a plate load of sandwiches from the kitchen.

"A little muscle? He's got more muscles than a caterpillar!" That last remark caused her to stop in her tracks and tutt.

"Ah, I knew you'd have to bring your Entomology into this at some point. You just can't stop thinking about it, can you? My brother takes care of his body and as I said, there's nothing wrong with his muscles."

"Absolutely. Every day, 8 to 4, in that gym. My old Arnold Schwarzenegger Commando action figure had less muscles than him. Except for one, of course." I tapped the side of my head and she shook hers.

"Well please don't go into some intellectual tirade like you did the last time. You know how upset he gets when he doesn't understand something. He broke grandma's China vase, remember? We're running out of the old inheritance."

"Yes, I remember. He's rather like a gorilla, don't you think? His dire apathy towards knowledge is killing. They should invent a whole new Circle of Hell just for him, 'Apathy of Knowledge and Understanding', perhaps. A little different to ignorance, wouldn't you say? Ignorance isn't really a choice for him, it would be a step up…that place would be good for a few other people I don't care to mention..."

She clenched her fists, pushing them down to her sides and her face went a deep purple.

"Don't bring my parents into this!"

TIW Weekend Quickie 53...different

It's the first of many different Weekend Quickies to come at TIW from DL Zwissler :-)
The rules have been changed, but I still have power to do it!
And it's...well, go and see it for yourself!
http://theironwriter.com/weekend-quickie-53/

Got 'How to' back from the editor this week, and I immediately read through it and sent it back. The quicker I am, the quicker it'll come out :-) Oh, it's 'an entertaining read' ...they keep telling me.

Still waiting for the 100th copy of 'Dani's Shorts 3' to go out...almost there after a few weeks out. OK, not so great but hey! Get your copy now...
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/470944


I'm also in Grudge 10 on TIW....Challenge 81...sorry, no names and I can't tell you which story is mine but I do humour as you know...
http://theironwriter.com/challenge-81/

Yes, there's a lot of links on the post :-)

1 year of TIW Quickies + Celebration Story!

 Thank you, Mamie Pound, for giving us at TIW the Weekend Quickie, 52 weeks of 200 word 3 element stories :-) I'll miss you at the helm :-)
Here's my 52nd Weekend Quickie on the TIW website, a melancholy 200 words...
http://theironwriter.com/weekend-quickie-52/

BUT...
to celebrate a whole year, I wrote a story using 1 element from each week (the element and not the picture or feeling), 52 (I chose 2 elements from the 12 available at Christmas). Find them if you can :-)This piece is a little melancholy, too...is this a phase I'm going through? Anyway, hope you like it.

Surprise!
 

If I recall, it was a Saturday afternoon at a local Iron Writers Convention. Five Iron Writers were present when I got there but like some forgotten rule of thumb, I couldn't remember their names, though I knew their faces. They held the convention in the Flora Bama bar, right next to a strange cyclorama of a burning wicker man set in the Scottish Highlands and a live element of eight ladies dancing a jig in the foreground, all organised and produced by some local artist. While melodical musical notes wafted over the sound system, I began to daydream and think back to yesterday morning at Mamie's…

With the smell of fried bacon and just brewed coffee, I made my way into the kitchen. She was nowhere to be seen. Lavender wafted through the open French doors, mixing with the breakfast smells and turning my already weak stomach. I opened the food cupboard to be greeted by a can of alphabet soup and a can of pumpkin, with a rotting coconut cake Mamie had made for Easter...at Christmas. A pack of lifesavers sat on the counter and I took a tangerine one. Far away in the garden I heard the sound of singing. Was it her? A message in a bottle on the top of the fridge said it all.

'Dear Dani, Your mother gave you a little errand. Make two coffees and bring them out with you, following a trail of Mardi Gras beads. At the end of the trail is an arrowhead bordered by a dandelion bracelet. It will show you the way. Yours sincerely, Mamie.'

I did as the message asked and found her in a little summerhouse by a large rockery. We greeted each other and I placed the coffees on the table. She passed over a coin.

"What's this?"

"A present for a handsome newspaperman's birthday, a 1909 penny covered in Mars dust. Happy birthday!"

"Err, thanks, Mamie. Where did you get it?"

"From your sister. Ha, kind of a tip from a waitress, so to speak. Go on, your mother said you had to make a birthday wish now."

The annual birthday ritual with Mother. It was easy to choose, 50-50, but it was never a pleasant experience, and now that she was gone, it was Mamie who was left to do her last dying wish. Mother had hired a room at her place for the past few years and they had spent so many evenings together they'd become inseparable.

"Truth or dare?"

"OK, let's do it."

She took out Mother's old coke bottle and spun it around. This bottle was like a portent that provoked fear in me every year, but this time, for perhaps the first time ever, it stopped on 'truth'.

"Oh. Wish upon a star?"

"A star? It's eight o'clock in the morning."

 Mamie looked glum but then gave a smile and settled herself into her chair."Your Mother said that if it landed on 'truth' then I'd have to tell. You're 40 this year, so maybe it's better if...err...you know about some things. She'd been prepared to tell you for years but..." She pointed to the bottle. "She said it always came up 'dare'."

"What things, Mamie?"

"Your early years...your 'real' early years..."

She took out an old photo from her pocket and handed it over.

"This is me as a newborn baby. I haven't seen this before…err, what's that on my face?"

"Err…" Mamie had a look. "It's cumerindine. My grandmother swore by it."

"Great...and what's that in the background? What! I was born in the back seat of a Greyhound bus, rolling down Highway 41? Are you kidding me? What about that old photo of me in the hospital?"

"I don't know about that, but your Mother said that she had to hitchhike from the bus to the hospital."

"Really?"

"Yes, the bus didn't go that way."

I sighed, relieved that this truth wasn't so bad.

"Phew, I thought it was going to be really bad, like I was adopted or something."

Mamie flinched.

"What?"

"Err, well, not adopted as such…" She passed me another photo.

"Who's that?"

"It's your father."

"My...but my father is..."

"No, this is your real father. Who you thought was your father was actually your step father. Your mother said that this man is your father." As the shock hit me, Mamie continued. "She said that he had such a feeling of strength and independence about him. She first met him in the summer of her Junior Year at High school..."

I quickly calculated it in my head. Surely that was wrong. How could this be my father?

"That would make me 44, Mamie."

"Yes, it was 5 years later. She met him again, a chance encounter during a cake walk at a fete. He'd lost his shoes. Apparently, he was really something. She said 'some people can look at a mud puddle and see an ocean of ships'. He gave her one of these."

Mamie showed me Mother's five gold rings. It had always been a mystery as to who that fifth ring had came from.

"Why...where...when can I meet him?"

"Oh, he's gone now, a freak accident when a Halcyon flew into his helmet while he was riding his motorbike."

"Oh. So no father-son reunion, then."

"No. Sorry, Dani."

"That's okay…but…but she said I got my nose from my father. His nose is nothing like mine."

"Your nose…well…do you really want to know?"

I nodded.

"Okay. When you were old enough to walk, you were obsessed with moving lights and things, you know, snowglobes, lava lamps and the like. She couldn't drag you past a shop window without a fight. You squashed your nose up against the glass so many times, you got a permanent pugnose."

"What? Next you'll be telling me that this wolf bite I got on my arm 'cause I thought the thing was a lost dog with no collar, isn't!"

"It isn't."

"What?"

"It's a birthmark. Same as that one she said was a rattlesnake bite when you tried to save a yellow scorpion."

"What?"

First my birth, then my father, and now my infamous bites…

"Uh-huh." I examined both 'birthmarks'. "I see it now. How stupid of me to believe they were bites."

I looked straight at Mamie. A thousand emotions ran through me, a million images, and the world started to spin…

Dani's Shorts 3 on Amazon!

Way-hey! 'Manna-X' is now #225,160 Paid in Kindle Store! (Okay, not so great but it's something)
What's that? I've been a bit quiet? I've been writing...Check this NEWSFLASH out...
http://writingstylesandtips.wordpress.com/2014/09/05/newsflash-iron-writers-in-a-bristle/
AND...
Dani's Shorts 3 is now available on both Smashwords and Amazon :-)
It's also available from Createspace...
https://www.createspace.com/4686423 
Come and get your copy :-)
Smashwords...
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/470944
Amazon.com....
http://www.amazon.com/Danis-Shorts-3-Dani-Caile-ebook/dp/B00N7YGLBS

Amazon.co.uk....
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Danis-Shorts-3-Dani-Caile-ebook/dp/B00N7YGLBS
...and all those other Amazon sites :-)

Sent in a 2000+ word story for another anthology, and now I'm working on 'How to 2'...busy.
Challenge 81, a grudge, is coming too, I'm in that! And another grduge is coming soon! So many have a grudge...

TIW Challenge 80 my take on my challenge :-)

Challenge 80 in TIW is 'The Dani J Caile Challenge' :-)
The elements look 'soft' (as Mathew W. Weaver mentioned), but that's to bring out the creativity of the writers. To raise the stakes a little, here's my own 'take' of my own Challenge :-)
Can you guess what this is a parody of? First person to get it right wins a sweetie (from Mathew).


TIW Challenge 80

(elements: a Furby, Dr Pepper, a Peel Trident car, a lost Emperor)

 A Pox on your lips later

You never get what you want, you get what you need. I needed a case. And for my stupidity, I got one. So here I was, stuck in a dingy cafe in the middle of some unforgettable metropolis, getting ready to finish this dirty business.

His credentials were amazing. Emperor Klutz was one of the most outstanding rulers of his time. A man of wealth, wit and banter, and a devil with the sabre. He’d opened more corner shops than any personage before him, supported any animal charity that dared to stand at his huge granite pillared gates, and run through a hundred or more oppugners who had the audacity to laugh at his customised Furby.

Then the cracks started to appear, talking to plants, leaving little love notes for Santa Claus wherever he went, and shopping at Tesco’s, remarking on how much more expensive other shops seemed to be in comparison. Finally, after an intense 3 hour session at a Children’s Playhouse, he lost contact with reality, leaving from the carpark in his prized 3 wheeler bubble top Peel Trident car with only his Furby in the detachable shopping basket for company.

After a while, reports came in of unflattering as-yet-unseen photos showing famous world leaders in certain compromising positions being posted across most of the largest internet network websites, all linking back to this one lost emperor. He was spilling the beans on them all and they wanted him stopped. Disconnect with extreme prejudice. Extreme prejudice.

An informant had told me his little red car had been seen parked behind a seedy strip club on the darkest side of town. With two refills of the blackest, thickest coffee this dump could serve inside me, I made my way there.

"I wouldn’t drink from that if I were you. You’ll get a pox on your lips later," said an aristocratic voice behind me. I left my untouched drink at the bar and slid into his booth, unlit except for a scented candle placed on the table next to his infamous Furby. He sipped on a can of Dr Pepper.

"You know, Dr Pepper is so unique. You cannot say what it tastes like because it's so different. It's not apple, nor strawberry, not even a root beer, nor cola. It's a different kind of drink with a unique taste all its own."

"U-nye-noh-lah," squeeked the Furby.

"Where are you from…Brad?" He knew my name, the game was up.

"Out of town."

"Whereabouts?"

"Thereabouts."

"How far from the river?"

"Far."

"Wee-tee-kah-wah-tee," said the Furby.

"Have you ever considered…chickens?"

This man was clearly insane. They were right, he needed to be stopped.

"I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to unplug you."

"I have Wifi."

All it took was one call to a guy who owed me a favour and he was off, off from the net, disconnected from the mass of media websites hungry for his tasteless sleaze. He placed his tablet down and sighed.

"Oh, the horror, the horror…"

Dani's Shorts 3 available on Smashwords FREE

Yes, I put all the TIW stories and things from the past 6 months together and brought out Dani's Shorts 3 on Smashwords for FREE yet again. Come and get your copy now. I'm working on putting it on Amazon through Createspace just so I can get a paperback copy and some exposure for the ebook.
Dani's Shorts 3
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/470944

TDX2 also surpassed 400 FREE copies! Hooray! :-)
AND I have a special challenge on TIW, Challenge 80 at
http://theironwriter.com/
I'll type up my own 'take' later. It's 'special' :-)

TIW my take on 77

Trying to finish up DS3, one more challenge to write up and then I can work on publishing it. Here's my take on TIW Challenge 77 (see the 4 original stories here...http://theironwriter.com/challenge-77/ - Jordan Bell won this challenge by the judges decision.)

Ted's Lucky Cap

(77 - A Suit of Armor, A Pitcher’s Mound, Gluten Free, Locke’s Socks)


Jeff sat there in the dugout eating his apple baked gluten free oatmeal cake and stared out through his taped up presription glasses.
"Hey, Ted! How many are we down?"
"Three runs and four players."
"Eh? Four players?" Jeff continued to grind his way through his snack. He was up to the plate soon and needed the energy.
"The way that pitcher's throwing, you'll need a suit of armour out there. Never seen so many body hits."
"I did hear something about this guy being the 'hit by pitch' champion last season."
Another victim got hit, falling to the ground as the small crowd groaning in sympathy. The umpire shouted back to the pitcher about going easy on the body shots but all the guy did was stand there on the mound and shrugged his shoulders.
"Lousy pitches."
"I remember when you tried a few up on the pitcher's mound, Jeff. Couldn't even get the ball to the catcher."
The remainder of the oatmeal cake went down the wrong way and another player had to punch him in the back to stop him choking to death. Once he'd got his breath back, Ted continued.
"But they're up by three. And we're only in the second."
"Good point. I guess you gotta get out there and show that guy what you're made of, Ted." Jeff laughed, knowing Ted had some of the worst batting stats in the club's history, with .185 last season and a struggling .206 in this.
"Nah, my lucky cap ain't feeling right today. Think I'm gonna do as coach says, hit for a single and get those bases loaded." Ted turned his moth-eaten cap around and around on his head. It had so many patches, Jeff wondered whether any original part still existed.
"That cap of yours is like Locke's sock."
"Whose sock? It's a cap not a sock. Why the hell would I put a smelly old sock on my head. And who's Locke? Does he play on first base?"
"No, that's Hu."
"Who?"
"Yeah, him, the Chinese guy."
"Oh, him."
"No, I'm saying that there's nothing left of that lucky cap of yours."
Ted inspected his cap and nodded.
"Same as this team. We’re the only members left from the old team who won the league two years ago. Is it the same? No, it ain't."
"Nebrowski! You're up!" shouted the coach to Ted.
"Damn," whispered Ted under his breath.
"Want me to hold your hand, Ted?" asked Jeff, drinking his plain milk.
"Hold my hand? No way. Looks like you struck out there, Jeff, ha! Nah, I'm gonna go and hit that pitcher for a home run."
"Yeah, go for it, Ted. You're a great player, a wonder. We wonder why you're here." The rest of the dugout laughed with Jeff as Ted walked to the plate. One curveball and a slider later, Ted hit the third pitch, a changeup, for a home run.
"Way ta go, Ted!"
"It's the cap, Jeff, the cap!"

Back again!

Yes, finally got internet again.
Busy.
Hopefully I'll be working on a little story for another anthology, and soon finish off 'Dani's Shorts 3' :-)
'Torn' transformed into a novella but now has turned into the next novel, the 2nd in the series of 'How to' books.
And 'How to' (1) is still at the publishers, still looking for a cover designer but now has an editor!
So, please, keep popping over here, maybe there'll be something to see soon.
My latest TIW Weekend Quickies are up, if you'd like to have a read :-)
http://theironwriter.com/weekend-quickie-48/
http://theironwriter.com/weekend-quickie-49/

TIW Challenge 76 - my take

At the moment, I'm not so into descriptions, so I had a go at this week's (next week's) TIW challenge with just dialogue, the 2 characters from that old TIW story "Miley Cyrus?". Yes, its the father and daughter once again... :-) Hope you like it.


A Lost Generation
Challenge 76

(a pink fairy armadillo, Mason jar, Mount St. Helen, a Wii U)

"You still on that…thing?"

"It’s a Wii U, Dad."

"We, you, me?"

"Dad."

"A what?"

"A Wii U Gamepad to be precise. See, it’s connected to the TV. You bought it, Dad, and you don’t remember what it is?"

"I got the latest thing for you but I didn’t know you’d be on it all day and night. How about doing something else?"

"Like what?"

"Err, your homework?"

"It’s the holidays, Dad."

"No projects to do?"

"Done."

"How about your drawing? Why don’t you do some of that?"

"Not in the mood. I’d rather play Mario."

"What about your…err…dolls?"

"Dolls? Dad, I’m fourteen, I stopped playing with Barbie a long time ago."

"Come on, you must have some other hobbies?"

"Not really."

"Err…your postcard collection? I remember you used to beg me to bring some back with me when I went on a trip."

"It’s up there. Haven’t touched them for months."

"There! Your rock collection, all those rocks on the windowsill, including a rock from the pyroclastic flows of Mount St. Helen. Why don’t we go out in the car and find some real interesting specimens over in the gravel pits?"

"No thanks, Dad."

"What…what about pets? You were doing so well with that…what was it?"

"A pink fairy armadillo, Dad. You could’ve bought me a terrapin like any ordinary parent."

"What was wrong with a…a…what was it again?"

"A pink fairy armadillo. Wrong with it? I guess you didn’t know that 95% of them in captivity die of stress and diet within eight weeks."

"You had it for…?"

"Four weeks."

"I don’t recall…what happened to it?"

"The neighbour’s cat got to it. Look, I put what I could find in that Mason jar."

"Yuck. Yeah, right, okay. Well, erm, what about that embroidery stuff you had? You loved that!"

"Benny poked his eye with a needle and Mum threw it all in the trash."

"Uh-huh. It was strange, that. He walked around for hours with that thing sticking out of the centre of his pupil. He didn’t tell us because it didn’t hurt. I worry about that kid…friends, your friends, what about your friends? Why don’t you call one of them up, see what they’re up to?"

"I’ve got seven of them online right now, on chat, and I’m also playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl with one of them."

"Oh, right. Well, aren’t you going to invite them over?"

"Four are out of state, two are in Europe and one is in hospital."

"Oh dear, is she okay?"

"He. Bone marrow transplant. Not so pleasant."

"No, quite. Where’s your mother?"

"Out."

"And your brother?"

"Cycling around the estate with his mates. Want some popcorn?"

"Err, sure, okay. So, what are you playing?"

"Thought I said. Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Wanna try?"

"Err, why not! Hand it over."

"I’ll go and get some drinks."

"Hey! This is cool! Why didn’t you say before?"

"Where have you been for the last 10 years, Dad?"

"Have…hey!...have you got any racing games?"

Book Cover Reveal 'Dani's Shorts 3' UPDATE

Other people do them, I really don't know why...Book Cover Reveals...so here's the cover of 'Dani's Shorts 3', it'll be out in 4 weeks, I guess, FREE on Smashwords :-)
AND I had to recreate it. I saw it up on the blog and noticed there was a watermark from somewhere...strange...so I found another nice picture :-) Here's the result....

Plus, I'm working on the new novella (10-11,000 words, maybe a little more). Still a little undecided as to the title and what to do with it once it's finished. But going very well (better than my first idea 'Torn'). It works on the same theme - beauty.

Weekend Quickie 46: "5 years later"

Yep, fantastic DL Zwissler did it again, reading out my TIW Weekend Quickie No.46 (and Jordan's, etc).
Okay, so, she needs some acting practise but HEY! She read it out :-)
Hear it here on the Monday show of "Lost & Found"....(my story is at 23:28)
http://www.spreaker.com/user/thefantasyrealm/the-lost-found-show-monday-monday?autoplay=1

...and here it is written down (proofread)...

"5 years later" (TIW WQ46)

(elements - image - alien baby, element - 5 years later, emotion - denial)

"Ah-ha! I finally found it!" Josh threw down a black half-filled binliner on the shop counter.

"What'ya find, Josh?" Berk picked at his teeth with his fish knife.

"You goddamn know exactly what I found! 5 years it's taken me! 5 years I struggled an' suffered in this damn town because you...you did what you did!" The bedraggled old man dropped his spade, took off his gloves and delved into the bag.

"I've no idea what you're on about. I'll ring the nuthouse again, they're doing a special, call and get a straightjacket free." Berk moved to his fingernails.

"You can't deny this anymore, Berk! I've got evidence! I found what you took away that night, 5 years ago!" Josh's hands clasped on something metal and pulled out a cylindrical container. "Now no one will call me crazy ever again!"

"Get that dirty thing off my counter," mumbled Berk, still uninterested.

"No! Not until you see it! Not until you admit I was right!" He ripped open the lid and poured the contents in front of them. "See! Now can you say I'm crazy? It's an alien, an alien baby! They came, we saw...yuck!"

"What d'ya expect, 5 years later?"

You can see it here on the TIW website, along with the others :-)

http://theironwriter.com/weekend-quickie-46/

TIW Challenge 74 - "The Spirit of Aragorn"

Yes, finally all caught up with TIW, just waiting for the 76,77 and 78. I wonder what they'll bring?
Here's my take of Challenge 74 (a bit late). I hope it invokes a reaction...:-)


The Spirit of Aragorn

TIW Challenge 74

(elements - horse, umbrella, car battery, told from the point of view of a defense attorning invoking the Stupidity Defense. (The attorney pleas stupidity, rather than insanity))

"I invoke the Stupidity Defense," said defense attorney Todd Ranson in the most serious tone he could produce.

"Oh, Mr. Ranson, I wish you wouldn't," replied Judge Theadore, scratching his long dappled nose with a hoof. "Do you have to do this every time a human comes to our court?"

"Err, yes, I do, Judge Theadore. It's because they are." With humans, it was the only course of action. Everything they did was stupid.

"Okay, Mr. Ranson. Please, once again, enlighten the court as to this human's stupidity, or as you have so rightly put on so many occasions before, the stupidity of their whole entire race."

"Thank you, Judge Theadore." Todd Ranson looked over to the bewildered human seated in the guilty chair holding a car battery and umbrella. The shock of reaching the court of Equus Ferus Caballus was perhaps too much for the fool. "As you can see, my learned colleagues, this poor specimen of a human is still in possession of the very same tools which substantiate his guilt." Clip clops of acknowledgement came from the jury. "The car battery it tried to connect to the wire fence which surrounded the victim, and the umbrella which saved itself from the pouring rain." The human realised and immediately hid the said items. "And now it probably thinks 'out of sight, out of mind'. The signs of a poor, delusional creature."

"Oh, Mr. Ranson, get to the point," grumbled Judge Theadore, neighing in boredom.

"Well, as you all know, the human race believes that it, and it alone, is the only true intellectual group on planet Animalia, or Earth as they call it." More clip clops and some irate neighing filled the courtroom. "Does this not show how stupid they are, to ignore the pleas and calls from other animals of their destructiveness and selfishness on this planet, dismissing their fellow passengers on this journey of life as mere nonsense and noise?"

"Objection! You cannot put the faults of a whole race on one individual." Prosecutor Red Randalf stood up with two hooves on his desk.

"Objection overruled, Mr. Randalf. Don't you want to get to your oats as soon as possible?" asked Judge Theadore. The prosecutor neighed and stood down.

"Thank you, Judge Theadore. Now, not only do these savages…" Todd nodded over to the human "…continue to enslave, manipulate and murder themselves and other species such as ours, they also still believe in a non-existent entity they call 'god'."

"Isn't that 'dog' spelt backwards, Mr. Ranson?" asked Judge Theadore.

"It is, your honour, a fact lost on these sad moronic parasites. And not only do they believe in such a non-existent entity, but everything that happens in their lives, they attribute to 'god', whether good or bad."

"No matter how many times you say it, Mr. Ranson, it just doesn't get old." The judge and his cohorts neighed in laughter with the whole courtroom giggling. "Everyone knows the universe is controlled by the Spirit of Aragorn."

TIW C73 - "The Sun Rises In"

It took a while to get an idea for this TIW challenge..until I put a few 'facts' together which moved me in the direction of John Donne's "The Sun Rising"


http://www.poetryfoundation.org/learning/guide/177309
I decided to create a story from this...so here it is :-)

  The Sun Rises In
73 - (Summer Open Final)

(elements - lost key, travel brochure, thermostat, dessert topping)

"Hell, that damn sun! Doesn't it know how to knock?" John got out of bed crossing the trespassing rays and ran over to the thermostat in the hotel room, tapping it to see if the dial moved.
"John, stop it. You know it's stuck on 30 degrees Celcius." Both woke up in a sweat, dying for a drink. "And it was you who left the curtains open last night."
"We needed the air." He gave up on the thermostat and jumped back into bed with Anne, his latest love, giving her a smile and a cuddle.
"You can always close your eyes, pretend it's not there."
"What? Then I wouldn't be able to see you, my dear!" She fought him off with a pillow. "But why can't it let up for a bit? Go and burn down on someone else! Say Sri-Lanka, they won't notice."
"You were the one who chose this place. Remember all those travel brochures I got for ya? You could've chosen anywhere but you didn't. You could've chosen somewhere cool, like Greenland or something like that, but no. You're a cheapskate!"
"Yeah, but you wouldn't have liked it, Greenland. It's...green."
"No, I wouldn't. Can you get me a drink, darling?"
"Sure." John got up again and tried the handle of the bathroom, the only place in the room with a tap. "Damn! Oh yeah. You and your 'lost key' story."
"Well, I did lose it. Do you think the hotel will charge for that?" she said, grinning.
"Yes, considering this establishment."
"Try the fridge."
"Broken. And empty."
"Oh, John. Did we drink it dry?" She opened her arms and he came back to the bed.
"Remember last night? The restaurant?"
"Oh yes, it was lovely, thanks for that."
"You're welcome, my dear. It was fantastic, in fact, more than fantastic, it was exquisite. But the bill…that wasn't so 'exquisite'."
"You skinflint, you! Don't I deserve a little pampering?"
"Yes, no, err, don't get me wrong, dear, I'd pay a fortune to see you happy…"
"Better. Oh, and that homemade Dulce de Leche on our strawberry ice cream sundaes? That was the greatest dessert topping I've ever eaten."
"And probably the most expensive…"
"But it was the most delicious! How can you put a price on something like that?"
"Yes, you are right, my love. For you I'd pay the price, you are the world to me." He drew her close to him once more, their sweat merging in the heat. "The world."
"If I'm the world to you, then…your world is in this bed."
"Yes. And your point, my dear?"
"My point is, if that is right, then this 'damn sun' shines on your world." Anne stood up on the bed and let the rays hit her voluptuousness.
"Err, yeah, you're right! But it's so damn hot in here…"
"Then complain! Get that thermostat fixed!" She dropped back down on the bed, almost making John fall to the floor. "Call the management!"
"I am the management!"

TIW C75 take - "The whole world's a stage!"

I don't know why, but TIW Challenge 75 (Grudge 7) elements popped out an easy and cool story.
Here's my take of it :-) Dani's Shorts 3 is coming soon, well, as soon as I can figure out what to do with C73 and C74, that is....(plus C76,C77 and C78 when they come out)

"The whole world's a stage!"

Challenge 75 (Grudge 7)
(4 elements: a halberdier, one (and only one) of the characters must be aware of the audience, must be written entirely as dialogue, the story must take place at the Dairy Queen.)

"Hello and welcome to Dairy Queen! How can I help you? Said the suave, charismatic shop assistant."

"Erm...am I in the right place? I wanted Dairy Queen."

"Yes, sir! Today it's 'Medieval Day' and each member of staff is dressed appropriately. I'm a halberdier. Look folks, I sharpened the end of my halberd for added authenticity. Spiked Josh a good 'un earlier, eh?"

"Oh good, I thought I was in that Camelot restuarant for a moment. Didn't know they did Blizzards, too. Threw me off a bit."

"No, sir, only Dairy Queen does Blizzards, in over twenty different soft serve blends!"

"Why...why are you talking and looking over your shoulder like there's an audience behind you? All I see is the wall."

"Ah-ha! The whole world's a stage! Isn't that right, folks?"

"There, you did it again. Is there a camera or something? Am I on Candid Camera again? I remember last time..."

"The whole world's a TV show, sir! Like my costume, folks? Got it from the best fancy dress shop in town."

"Yes...nice outfit. Now, can I order? Or are you going to talk to that brick wall behind you all day? And knight. Ha!"

"Please, sir, no knight jokes. Poor Ted is still trying to get over his last customer. I think it was the 'tinned food' joke. But then, it would be, wouldn't it, folks?"

"Oh dear. I'll have two Flamethrower Chicken Wraps, please, one Side Salad, and two Double Fudge Cookie Dough Blizzard Treats."

"Any drink with that, sir? You know, we always have to ask that, folks, the amount of times people eat our Flamethrowers and come rushing back to order a drink..."

"Stop talking to the wall. Yes, okay, you have a point. Erm, no, not drinks. I'll have two Peanut Butter Sundaes, please."

"We're doing a special on Chillers at the moment. Wouldn't you like to change your order and try a couple of Strawberry Lemonade DQ Chillers?"

"No, no, thanks, and watch out for that spear of yours, you almost took my eye out with that."

"Spear? Spear! This is a halberd, sir! It has an axe, a spike and a thorn at the back of the axe. It is said that one of these sliced through the back of King Richard III's skull at the battle of Bosworth! And that a Swiss peasant used one of these to kill Charles the Bold, the Duke of Burgundy, ending the Burgundian Wars in a single stroke! This, sir, is not a spear! Was that a bit too strong, folks? I thought I did quite well."

"Really? Well, thanks for the history lesson, and your suit is very nice, indeed, but all I want is my food. Can you deal with that instead of waving your six foot weapon around and talking to the wall? Oh, forget it, I'll go over to that all-night diner...hey, all 'knight' diner, ha! Put that on your halbred and smoke it. Have a nice day!"

"Why you...!"

Back in Paper.li :-)

Got another mention on another Paper.li newspaper, Erania Pinnera's paper to be precise. It's nice to be noticed, if only for a moment...
Find it here under 'Arts & Entertainment'...
http://paper.li/EraniaPinnera/1334841073
...OK, here's screenshot...

AND...through an error of mine, I got a few KDP borrows today, the first time EVER...I might see a few pennies come my way...a few, just a few.
The new book is coming along fine :-)
PLus Dani's Shorts 3 is around the corner....

Dani's Shorts 2 5 star review :-)

Been away from the internet for a few days....camping.
Definition: Camping: for those who wish to feel tired AFTER sleeping.
Working on my new book...and trying to keep up with THE Iron Writer...and talking of TIW...
...got a 5 star review, on both Amazon.com AND Amazon.co.uk from Hunter S. Jones!!! (I love her, really, she's fantastic, always there when I need some help) Meet her here...
https://www.facebook.com/HunterSJonesPR

5.0 out of 5 stars 'Miley Cyrus?' July 20, 2014

By Hunter S Jones

Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase

Dani's Shorts 2 is just fantastic. I love the way he can tell stories in such short yet meaningful stories. The charm and intelligence of the author shines through in every story. But...Autumn Equinox Final- Miley Cyrus? Only a genius would conjure up this. Loved this book. All of it. 

Get DS2 (and DS1) for FREE on Smashwords here...
https://www.smashwords.com/books/byseries/2766

Lost & Found : Dani J Caile, the man, the legend...

Yeah! I got on the radio...well, okay a podcast broadcast...but HEY!
Thanks to host DL Zwissler (soon to be VERY famous indeed) :-)
So, if you wanna hear me speak about nothing so much in particular, or just hear my crummy voice (I'm a writer not a radio guy), then here's the link!
http://www.spreaker.com/user/thefantasyrealm/dani-j-caile-the-man-the-legend
..I wish I'd had some prep time...
Enjoy!
I'll be off for a few days, so have fun!

The Iron Writer Party Line collaboration +

Hey! Today I got a mention in 'The Irena Kralj Weekly'...my freebies on Smashwords...look down in 'Arts & Entertainment' and I'm the 2nd one mentioned :-) Thanks Irena! @irenakralj
http://paper.li/irenakralj/1309707304

And something else...Mathew and I did another collaboration in the TIW Group, and a few others joined in, namely Tony Jaeger and Jordan Bell (ding-a-ling!)
Here it is! (It's rather long...)

"The Iron Writer Party Line"

Dani

"Hello, this is the Iron Writer Party Line. Press 1 if you'd like to Kill Brian, Press 2 if you'd like to praise Mamie's big hair, Press 3 if you'd like to kick Jordan's ass in a challenge, Press 4....etc "

Jordan Bell

Press 4 to talk to the Gecko.

Mathew W. Weaver

 ...press 5 to begin guessing who The Weaver is, press 6...

Dani

Press 6 for Tony 'No Show' (silence)...

Mathew W. Weaver

.... You have pressed 4. Do you confirm?

Press 1 to confirm. 2 to go back. 3 to proceed

Dani

 You have pressed 4. Do you confirm? Press 1 to confirm. 2 to go back. 3 to proceed...

Mathew W. Weaver

You have pressed one. Connecting.Please hold

Dani

"I AM holding! I've been doing this for the last 20 minutes...!"

Mathew W. Weaver

We are sorry. Please hold while we connect you to the Gecko

Dani

"The what? Hello? Hello!..."

Mathew W. Weaver

Please hold. The Gecko will be on momentarily

Dani

"The Gecko? What? What the hell? Where's the Iron Writer Party Line? Hello?"

Mathew W. Weaver

... would you like to press 5 and begin guessing who The Weaver is? Press 1 to acknowledge, 3 to go back

Dani

"No, no, no! Who give's a flying f.... don't they have any humans on this!

Mathew W. Weaver

... you have dialled 7.

Please hold

Dani

"Seven? Seven? When the hell did I press seven?"

Mathew W. Weaver

"Hey there! How can I take yer order?"

Dani

"Sorry...hey! You're human! You! I've been running through your bloody phone system for almost half an hour now and....eh? What order?"

Mathew W. Weaver

"This here's Sam's Steak and Grilled Pizza! Don't knock it till you've tried it!"

"What kin ah get ya?"

Dani

"What? Sam's what? Pizza? What the...?"

Mathew W. Weaver

Redirecting.

Would you like to press 5 and begin guessing who The Weaver is? Press 1 to acknowledge, 3 to go back

Press 1 if you'd like to Kill Brian

Press 2 if you'd like to praise Mamie's big hair

Press 3 if you'd like to kick Jordan's ass in a challenge

Press 4 to talk to the Gecko

Dani

"What? Hell, I'm gonna press 8...! See how ya like that!"

Mathew W. Weaver

You have pressed 8. Press 1 to confirm, press 2 to return

Dani

"Finally! Getting somewhere!"

Mathew W. Weaver

You have confirmed. Please hold while we connect you to "Guessing Who The Weaver Is"...

Dani

"What? No, that was 5! I'd rather bloody Kill Brian! How do I go back on this? Hell! No!"

Mathew W. Weaver

Connecting

"Hello?"

Dani

"...err, Hello...(cough)..."

Mathew W. Weaver

"You have reached the Gecko! Ask and ye shall receive!"

"...hello?"

Dani

"Oh, right. Err, hello, 'Gecko'. Now, err...erm...okay...erm....The Weaver, huh? Erm...is he LeBron James?"

Mathew W. Weaver

"The Weaver? What the heck is that?"

Dani 

"The Weaver. Your system just put me through to "Guessing Who The Weaver Is". All I wanted to do was speak to Tony 'No Show'. Who are you?"

Mathew W. Weaver

"I told you. I'm the Gecko,"

Dani

"The Gecko? What the hell is that? Look I don't know who you are but I want to complain to someone in charge!"

Mathew W. Weaver

"Look pal, you called me. And for the record, I haven't a clue what the Gecko is. Jordan came up with it,"

Dani

"Jordan? Who the hell is Jordan? And don't you 'pal' me, mate! I've been waiting for over half an hour to get in touch with Tony 'No Show' and all I get is a screwy phone system and your sorry arse!"

Mathew W. Weaver

"Well, you're stuck with me, pal, for better or worse. What's with this 'No Show' dude you keep harping about, anyway?"

Tony Jaeger

You've reached Tony No Show, I'm not here right now, but please leave me a message, and I'll... I dunno, get back to you and stuff

Mathew W. Weaver

"Who the heck are you? And how did you get on this line?"

Dani

"What the f....! Oi! You! Tony 'No Show' I'll give ya a piece of my mind, I will! You, Gecko! Get yer boss on the line! I wanna see the Complaints book!"

Mathew W. Weaver

"Whoa, bro. This is way over my pay grade"

Tony Jaeger

Hey, this is Tony No Show. Please don't ask me for the complaints book. It's a big Damn book, and really heavy

Mathew W. Weaver

"Hey, quit hogging the line! This is a personal paid-for call here!"

Dani

"Hey! I wanna speak to the boss! Get me your boss on the line!"

Jordan Bell

Herro, you wan terriyaki, you call wight place. Sofa king goo fry duck aso. Wanton!? You wanten wanton! Got you covahd. Like jimmy hat.

O. Herro, I see. Wong numba!

Dani

"What? Hey! Is this a crossed line? What?"

Mathew W. Weaver

"Who the.... did you say terriyaki?"

Dani

"Where's the boss!"

Dani

"No I didn't! That was some screwball Chinese dude! Where's your boss?"

Jordan Bell

Wat on stick? Herro?

Mathew W. Weaver

"Terriyaki?"

Dani

"Get off the bloody line! Hell...!"

Mathew W. Weaver

"Just a sec, now, Chief. Hey, Chinese dude,"

Jordan Bell

Confucius say, wong numba asso jerki boy!

Mathew W. Weaver

"Hey, hey, hold it. How's your roast duck?"

Jordan Bell

Brrrrcccchhhkkkk! We're sorry. The number you have reached has been disconnected.

Mathew W. Weaver

"Wait your turn, Tony boy,"

"Oh for the love of...."

Dani

"....were you ordering food on MY call?"

Jordan Bell

Press 4 for the The Geico Gecko

Dani

"I...oh, go shove your head in a....." (click) .duhhhhhhhh...

Mathew W. Weaver

(static)