Lost & Found : Dani J Caile, the man, the legend...

Yeah! I got on the radio...well, okay a podcast broadcast...but HEY!
Thanks to host DL Zwissler (soon to be VERY famous indeed) :-)
So, if you wanna hear me speak about nothing so much in particular, or just hear my crummy voice (I'm a writer not a radio guy), then here's the link!
http://www.spreaker.com/user/thefantasyrealm/dani-j-caile-the-man-the-legend
..I wish I'd had some prep time...
Enjoy!
I'll be off for a few days, so have fun!

The Iron Writer Party Line collaboration +

Hey! Today I got a mention in 'The Irena Kralj Weekly'...my freebies on Smashwords...look down in 'Arts & Entertainment' and I'm the 2nd one mentioned :-) Thanks Irena! @irenakralj
http://paper.li/irenakralj/1309707304

And something else...Mathew and I did another collaboration in the TIW Group, and a few others joined in, namely Tony Jaeger and Jordan Bell (ding-a-ling!)
Here it is! (It's rather long...)

"The Iron Writer Party Line"

Dani

"Hello, this is the Iron Writer Party Line. Press 1 if you'd like to Kill Brian, Press 2 if you'd like to praise Mamie's big hair, Press 3 if you'd like to kick Jordan's ass in a challenge, Press 4....etc "

Jordan Bell

Press 4 to talk to the Gecko.

Mathew W. Weaver

 ...press 5 to begin guessing who The Weaver is, press 6...

Dani

Press 6 for Tony 'No Show' (silence)...

Mathew W. Weaver

.... You have pressed 4. Do you confirm?

Press 1 to confirm. 2 to go back. 3 to proceed

Dani

 You have pressed 4. Do you confirm? Press 1 to confirm. 2 to go back. 3 to proceed...

Mathew W. Weaver

You have pressed one. Connecting.Please hold

Dani

"I AM holding! I've been doing this for the last 20 minutes...!"

Mathew W. Weaver

We are sorry. Please hold while we connect you to the Gecko

Dani

"The what? Hello? Hello!..."

Mathew W. Weaver

Please hold. The Gecko will be on momentarily

Dani

"The Gecko? What? What the hell? Where's the Iron Writer Party Line? Hello?"

Mathew W. Weaver

... would you like to press 5 and begin guessing who The Weaver is? Press 1 to acknowledge, 3 to go back

Dani

"No, no, no! Who give's a flying f.... don't they have any humans on this!

Mathew W. Weaver

... you have dialled 7.

Please hold

Dani

"Seven? Seven? When the hell did I press seven?"

Mathew W. Weaver

"Hey there! How can I take yer order?"

Dani

"Sorry...hey! You're human! You! I've been running through your bloody phone system for almost half an hour now and....eh? What order?"

Mathew W. Weaver

"This here's Sam's Steak and Grilled Pizza! Don't knock it till you've tried it!"

"What kin ah get ya?"

Dani

"What? Sam's what? Pizza? What the...?"

Mathew W. Weaver

Redirecting.

Would you like to press 5 and begin guessing who The Weaver is? Press 1 to acknowledge, 3 to go back

Press 1 if you'd like to Kill Brian

Press 2 if you'd like to praise Mamie's big hair

Press 3 if you'd like to kick Jordan's ass in a challenge

Press 4 to talk to the Gecko

Dani

"What? Hell, I'm gonna press 8...! See how ya like that!"

Mathew W. Weaver

You have pressed 8. Press 1 to confirm, press 2 to return

Dani

"Finally! Getting somewhere!"

Mathew W. Weaver

You have confirmed. Please hold while we connect you to "Guessing Who The Weaver Is"...

Dani

"What? No, that was 5! I'd rather bloody Kill Brian! How do I go back on this? Hell! No!"

Mathew W. Weaver

Connecting

"Hello?"

Dani

"...err, Hello...(cough)..."

Mathew W. Weaver

"You have reached the Gecko! Ask and ye shall receive!"

"...hello?"

Dani

"Oh, right. Err, hello, 'Gecko'. Now, err...erm...okay...erm....The Weaver, huh? Erm...is he LeBron James?"

Mathew W. Weaver

"The Weaver? What the heck is that?"

Dani 

"The Weaver. Your system just put me through to "Guessing Who The Weaver Is". All I wanted to do was speak to Tony 'No Show'. Who are you?"

Mathew W. Weaver

"I told you. I'm the Gecko,"

Dani

"The Gecko? What the hell is that? Look I don't know who you are but I want to complain to someone in charge!"

Mathew W. Weaver

"Look pal, you called me. And for the record, I haven't a clue what the Gecko is. Jordan came up with it,"

Dani

"Jordan? Who the hell is Jordan? And don't you 'pal' me, mate! I've been waiting for over half an hour to get in touch with Tony 'No Show' and all I get is a screwy phone system and your sorry arse!"

Mathew W. Weaver

"Well, you're stuck with me, pal, for better or worse. What's with this 'No Show' dude you keep harping about, anyway?"

Tony Jaeger

You've reached Tony No Show, I'm not here right now, but please leave me a message, and I'll... I dunno, get back to you and stuff

Mathew W. Weaver

"Who the heck are you? And how did you get on this line?"

Dani

"What the f....! Oi! You! Tony 'No Show' I'll give ya a piece of my mind, I will! You, Gecko! Get yer boss on the line! I wanna see the Complaints book!"

Mathew W. Weaver

"Whoa, bro. This is way over my pay grade"

Tony Jaeger

Hey, this is Tony No Show. Please don't ask me for the complaints book. It's a big Damn book, and really heavy

Mathew W. Weaver

"Hey, quit hogging the line! This is a personal paid-for call here!"

Dani

"Hey! I wanna speak to the boss! Get me your boss on the line!"

Jordan Bell

Herro, you wan terriyaki, you call wight place. Sofa king goo fry duck aso. Wanton!? You wanten wanton! Got you covahd. Like jimmy hat.

O. Herro, I see. Wong numba!

Dani

"What? Hey! Is this a crossed line? What?"

Mathew W. Weaver

"Who the.... did you say terriyaki?"

Dani

"Where's the boss!"

Dani

"No I didn't! That was some screwball Chinese dude! Where's your boss?"

Jordan Bell

Wat on stick? Herro?

Mathew W. Weaver

"Terriyaki?"

Dani

"Get off the bloody line! Hell...!"

Mathew W. Weaver

"Just a sec, now, Chief. Hey, Chinese dude,"

Jordan Bell

Confucius say, wong numba asso jerki boy!

Mathew W. Weaver

"Hey, hey, hold it. How's your roast duck?"

Jordan Bell

Brrrrcccchhhkkkk! We're sorry. The number you have reached has been disconnected.

Mathew W. Weaver

"Wait your turn, Tony boy,"

"Oh for the love of...."

Dani

"....were you ordering food on MY call?"

Jordan Bell

Press 4 for the The Geico Gecko

Dani

"I...oh, go shove your head in a....." (click) .duhhhhhhhh...

Mathew W. Weaver

(static)

TIW Weekend Quickie #44 LIVE!

Something new!
I wrote up my take on the TIW Weekend Quickie #44 and it was quite successful, I think.
http://theironwriter.com/weekend-quickie-44/
AND, on her podcast broadcast, DL Zwissler, that great erotic indie writer, read it out :-)
Listen to it here! If you want to only hear my story, she reads it out at around 25:00 :-)
http://www.spreaker.com/user/thefantasyrealm/raidm
I was also involved in an earlier broadcast and the Iron Writers involved were asked to write something inspired by a song...

The inspiration: Clare Bowen - Black Roses

This is what I wrote...I don't usually write poetry...

Seeking help, you poor me, what the hell ya think. 

Weep, weep, til your eyes they bleed.

Take a look at yourself, take a look at the street you live

And walk away.

 

Did I like the song? You tell me...

Farts in Great Literature :-)

I didn't get through to the TIW Summer Open....mmmm. Bummer. Came 2nd in the Popular vote, which was okay, but scored some disastrous votes with the 4 anonymous judges, 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 4th out of 4 writers...what happened?
Got feedback from one judge, which was good because I wasn't the only one who was shocked with my result. One judge who gave 4th said "Farts are low on my literature list."

What? Farts are found throughout literature! Not only are farts a major part of the Minion Universe (one element of the four needed in the story), they can also be found in some of the best works of the greatest writers! Let's start off with....William Shakespeare!!

Macbeth Act 1 Scene 3
Second Witch: I'll give thee a wind.
First Witch: Thou'rt kind.
Third Witch: And I another.

King Lear Act 3 Scene 2
King Lear: Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! Rage, blow! 


Othello Act 3 Scene 1

Clown: Are these, I pray you, wind instruments? 
First Musician: Ay marry are they, sir.
Clown: O, thereby hangs a tail.
First Musician: Whereby hangs a tail, sir?
Clown: Marry, sir, by many a wind instrument that I know. 

Farts are also mentioned in Henry IV Part 2, Comedy of Errors, Hamlet, Two Gentlemen from Verona...Shakespeare liked fart jokes.

In the early 17th century there were also poems written about farts, like "The Parliament Fart" and "The Farts Epitaph".  

Ben Johnson's play The Alchemist opened with a fart...maybe that was for the best....

The world's oldest recorded joke back in 1900 BC was about a fart... a saying from the Sumerians: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

And here are many other writers...

Aristophanes’ The Clouds (423 BCE)  
I get colic, then the stew sets to rumbling like thunder and finally bursts forth with a terrific noise.

Dante Alighieri’s The Inferno...
They turned along the left bank in a line,
but before they started, all of them together
had stuck their pointed tongues out as a sign
to their Captain that they wished permission to pass,
and he had made a trumpet of his ass. (End of Canto 21)

Geoffrey Chaucer...The Canterbury Tales (The Miller's Tale)
This Nicholas just then let fly a fart
As loud as it had been a thunder-clap

Jonathan Swift wrote a pamphlet about "The Benefit of Farting"!
He wrote: “I take it there are five or six different species of fart.” These are “the sonorous and full-toned or rousing fart,” “the double fart,” “the soft fizzing fart,” “the wet fart,” and “the sullen wind-bound fart.” 


And if we want to go over to the USA, because literature is so 'rich' over there...(probably more 'wet' farts)

Mark Twain...1601 Conversation as it was by the Social Fireside in the Time of the Tudors 
Lady Alice: Good your grace, an' I had room for such a thunderbust within mine ancient bowels, 'tis not in reason I coulde discharge ye same and live to thank God for yt He did choose handmaid so humble whereby to shew his power. Nay, 'tis not I yt have broughte forth this rich o'ermastering fog, this fragrant gloom, so pray you seeke ye further.  

J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher In The Rye
“this guy sitting in the row in front of me, Edgar Marsalla, laid this terrific fart. It was a very crude thing to do, in the chapel and all, but it was also quite amusing. Old Marsalla. He damn near blew the roof off.”

Fact of the matter is, farts have been going off in literature since the begining of time! And are these works about farts? Is Macbeth about farts? Are farts the meaning behind Macbeth? Or The Catcher In The Rye? No. And they are not valued for their farts. Neither should my small work have been.

But why use farts? To get a REACTION from their audience, usually shock/laughter. I got shock...here's my piece for what it's worth in the TIW Prelim...it got 3rd place :-(
"Death of Another Salesman"..you'll find it here...
http://theironwriter.com/dean-koontz-bracket/

TIW Collaboration: "The Duel of the DLs"

While waiting for the TIW Summer Prelim results, Mathew W. Weaver and myself got together for a little relay once again, and it was finished off this time by DL Zwissler :-) The duelists..DL Zwissler and DL Mackenzie.
'Tis not bad for a little collaboration :-)

"The Duel of the DLs"

Mathew
The sky had long since darkened, and the storm was ever brutal. A split second flash of lightning seared the picture in mind, the two still figures, all but silhouettes. Water dripped off tangled, soaked hair, and off the muzzles of the ornate Colts pointed at the ground
Dani
"Today. Today of all days, it will be settled." grimaced Zwissler, squeezing her Colt, ready for action.
Mathew
"We both know how this ends. Give up before I do something you regret,"
Dani
"Never! The honour of holding the initials 'DL' is mine! I was here first!" Her teeth gleemed white in the dim light of the storm.
Mathew
"Survival of the fittest, my dear," His eyes never leaving hers, he drew back on the hammer, feeling rather than hearing the reassuring click as the cylinder rolled in place
Dani
"Then, let it begin!" Zwissler lifted her Colt in a second and aimed for his heart....
Mathew
... but a sudden flash of lightning fouled everything. Involuntarily, she raised it and fired, the bullet whizzing past his left ear.
Dani
Anger flushed his face as Mackenzie checked his ear. "So that's how we'll play it, huh?" With a straight arm he aimed and fired.
DL Zwissler
But soon he realized she wouldn't really die because red heads have no souls. The end.

TIW Ch 72 take..."Team Building"

If you STILL haven't voted for me in Challenge 71, please do :-) It's a cracker!

http://theironwriter.com/dean-koontz-bracket/

And while you're looking, go see my Weekend Quickie 43, it's a nice one....

JUMP!

http://theironwriter.com/weekend-quickie-43/

AND here's my take of the next challenge :-)

This is a challenge put together by Michael Pitman :-) Good on ya, Mike!

Challenge 72 - "Team Building"

(4 elements - Repeated unsuccessful attempts at starting a campfire/fireplace fire, favorite childhood memory that actually is a lie, funeral of a stranger, sign "fail")

"This is the last time I go on one of those team building weekends," moaned Shaun.

"But you're the organiser!" screamed Karen, right into his face. He cowered into a ball and hid in the trees around the clearing.

"Bob, haven't you got that fire ready yet?" asked Dave, Shaun's second-in-charge.

"No. I'm an accountant, not a woodsman. You try."

"Me? I've never made a fire in my life. Never even got a scout badge."

"What?" Tracy started up on Dave. "Five days we've been going around in these woods, first we've gotta deal with this 'jellyfish'…"

"Easy now, Shaun's had a bad time of it lately, what with his wife leaving and her taking custody of the dog…"

"Who gives a shit about the dog! Look! Look at that!" Karen pushed Dave over to the other side of the clearing, where the slowly rotting corpse of their fellow team builder 'whatsisname' lay. "I think there are bigger things to worry about than a bloody dog!"

"Well, he shouldn't've touched that sign."

"What, the sign that said "Caution, this sign has sharp edges". What kind of sign is that?" yelled Tracy.

"Let's just settle down, alright?" Keith was the quiet, calm type. "I thought we already came to the decision. We give…whatsisname…a funeral befitting a viking warrior…"

"Without the boat," mentioned Bob, still blowing on the smoke, trying to get the fire going and needing to relight it with yet another match from their dwindling supply.

"Yes, thank you, Bob. Light the fire, okay?" Keith dragged the body of 'whatsisname' closer to the large pile of unlit wood. "Does anyone know his name?"

"Dave?" threatened Karen.

"Err, no. Shaun thought we'd leave the list of names at basecamp, to make it a more 'connecting' team building exercise, no one knowing who is who, everyone getting together…"

"His throat was cut in the first two hours! We never got a chance to know him or even speak to him!"

"Hey! It's…no, it isn't." Bob took out another match. They all sat down and tried not to smell the body.

"Why didn't we turn back right then?" asked Keith.

"Err, we did. Then we got lost," confessed Dave.

"What a complete balls-up."

"Hey, I remember a fantastic time, lost in the woods when I was a kid," laughed Dave.

"Yes, really? Seeing as you are now here, you found your way out," replied Bob, blowing.

"It was great! We had no food…"

"Like now."

"… it poured down for days…"

"Like now."

"…and we had no map and no way to find our way home."

"Like now. So, what happened?"

"Err, erm…"

"That was a lie, wasn't it? You didn't get lost in the woods, did you?" growled Karen.

"Err, no. No, we didn't."

"Hell."

"Tesco's. It was Tesco's."

Karen grabbed a large stick from the unlit fire and whacked it around his head.

"Ow!"

"Now then, that's enough of that!"

They all sat down again in silence.

"Hey! I've got it…nope."

"Death of Another Salesman" :-) TIW Summer Open

It's voting time again!
Yes, somehow I got into the Iron Writer Summer Open Preliminary Round :-)
500 words, 4 elements included in the Flash fiction story...fantastic!
So, please come and vote for the best (hopefully me) here in the Dean Koontz bracket....
"Death of Another Salesman"...yes, it has a connection to that classic play :-)
http://theironwriter.com/dean-koontz-bracket/

...and if you have time, please peruse the other brackets - I'm sure all the stories are great!
http://theironwriter.com/challenge-72-the-2014-summer-solstice-open-preliminary-round/


Extra....
Well, Manna-X was FREE for 2 days and there are more people now who have the book, who will read it (please) and maybe even review it (PLEASE). It is official. There are now over 3000 copies of Dani J Caile books around this spinning rock :-) (unfortunately, not many of them were paid for)
Here are the ranks...
Amazon.com

 #2,761 Free in Kindle Store

#36 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Literature & Fiction > Humor & Satire > General Humor

Amazon.co.uk

 #1,748 Free in Kindle Store

#30 in Kindle Store > Books > Science Fiction & Fantasy > Fantasy > Contemporary

#33 in Kindle Store > Books > Literature & Fiction > Humour & Satire > Literary Humour