Dani's Shorts 3 on Amazon!

Way-hey! 'Manna-X' is now #225,160 Paid in Kindle Store! (Okay, not so great but it's something)
What's that? I've been a bit quiet? I've been writing...Check this NEWSFLASH out...
http://writingstylesandtips.wordpress.com/2014/09/05/newsflash-iron-writers-in-a-bristle/
AND...
Dani's Shorts 3 is now available on both Smashwords and Amazon :-)
It's also available from Createspace...
https://www.createspace.com/4686423 
Come and get your copy :-)
Smashwords...
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/470944
Amazon.com....
http://www.amazon.com/Danis-Shorts-3-Dani-Caile-ebook/dp/B00N7YGLBS

Amazon.co.uk....
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Danis-Shorts-3-Dani-Caile-ebook/dp/B00N7YGLBS
...and all those other Amazon sites :-)

Sent in a 2000+ word story for another anthology, and now I'm working on 'How to 2'...busy.
Challenge 81, a grudge, is coming too, I'm in that! And another grduge is coming soon! So many have a grudge...

TIW Challenge 80 my take on my challenge :-)

Challenge 80 in TIW is 'The Dani J Caile Challenge' :-)
The elements look 'soft' (as Mathew W. Weaver mentioned), but that's to bring out the creativity of the writers. To raise the stakes a little, here's my own 'take' of my own Challenge :-)
Can you guess what this is a parody of? First person to get it right wins a sweetie (from Mathew).


TIW Challenge 80

(elements: a Furby, Dr Pepper, a Peel Trident car, a lost Emperor)

 A Pox on your lips later

You never get what you want, you get what you need. I needed a case. And for my stupidity, I got one. So here I was, stuck in a dingy cafe in the middle of some unforgettable metropolis, getting ready to finish this dirty business.

His credentials were amazing. Emperor Klutz was one of the most outstanding rulers of his time. A man of wealth, wit and banter, and a devil with the sabre. He’d opened more corner shops than any personage before him, supported any animal charity that dared to stand at his huge granite pillared gates, and run through a hundred or more oppugners who had the audacity to laugh at his customised Furby.

Then the cracks started to appear, talking to plants, leaving little love notes for Santa Claus wherever he went, and shopping at Tesco’s, remarking on how much more expensive other shops seemed to be in comparison. Finally, after an intense 3 hour session at a Children’s Playhouse, he lost contact with reality, leaving from the carpark in his prized 3 wheeler bubble top Peel Trident car with only his Furby in the detachable shopping basket for company.

After a while, reports came in of unflattering as-yet-unseen photos showing famous world leaders in certain compromising positions being posted across most of the largest internet network websites, all linking back to this one lost emperor. He was spilling the beans on them all and they wanted him stopped. Disconnect with extreme prejudice. Extreme prejudice.

An informant had told me his little red car had been seen parked behind a seedy strip club on the darkest side of town. With two refills of the blackest, thickest coffee this dump could serve inside me, I made my way there.

"I wouldn’t drink from that if I were you. You’ll get a pox on your lips later," said an aristocratic voice behind me. I left my untouched drink at the bar and slid into his booth, unlit except for a scented candle placed on the table next to his infamous Furby. He sipped on a can of Dr Pepper.

"You know, Dr Pepper is so unique. You cannot say what it tastes like because it's so different. It's not apple, nor strawberry, not even a root beer, nor cola. It's a different kind of drink with a unique taste all its own."

"U-nye-noh-lah," squeeked the Furby.

"Where are you from…Brad?" He knew my name, the game was up.

"Out of town."

"Whereabouts?"

"Thereabouts."

"How far from the river?"

"Far."

"Wee-tee-kah-wah-tee," said the Furby.

"Have you ever considered…chickens?"

This man was clearly insane. They were right, he needed to be stopped.

"I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to unplug you."

"I have Wifi."

All it took was one call to a guy who owed me a favour and he was off, off from the net, disconnected from the mass of media websites hungry for his tasteless sleaze. He placed his tablet down and sighed.

"Oh, the horror, the horror…"

Dani's Shorts 3 available on Smashwords FREE

Yes, I put all the TIW stories and things from the past 6 months together and brought out Dani's Shorts 3 on Smashwords for FREE yet again. Come and get your copy now. I'm working on putting it on Amazon through Createspace just so I can get a paperback copy and some exposure for the ebook.
Dani's Shorts 3
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/470944

TDX2 also surpassed 400 FREE copies! Hooray! :-)
AND I have a special challenge on TIW, Challenge 80 at
http://theironwriter.com/
I'll type up my own 'take' later. It's 'special' :-)

TIW my take on 77

Trying to finish up DS3, one more challenge to write up and then I can work on publishing it. Here's my take on TIW Challenge 77 (see the 4 original stories here...http://theironwriter.com/challenge-77/ - Jordan Bell won this challenge by the judges decision.)

Ted's Lucky Cap

(77 - A Suit of Armor, A Pitcher’s Mound, Gluten Free, Locke’s Socks)


Jeff sat there in the dugout eating his apple baked gluten free oatmeal cake and stared out through his taped up presription glasses.
"Hey, Ted! How many are we down?"
"Three runs and four players."
"Eh? Four players?" Jeff continued to grind his way through his snack. He was up to the plate soon and needed the energy.
"The way that pitcher's throwing, you'll need a suit of armour out there. Never seen so many body hits."
"I did hear something about this guy being the 'hit by pitch' champion last season."
Another victim got hit, falling to the ground as the small crowd groaning in sympathy. The umpire shouted back to the pitcher about going easy on the body shots but all the guy did was stand there on the mound and shrugged his shoulders.
"Lousy pitches."
"I remember when you tried a few up on the pitcher's mound, Jeff. Couldn't even get the ball to the catcher."
The remainder of the oatmeal cake went down the wrong way and another player had to punch him in the back to stop him choking to death. Once he'd got his breath back, Ted continued.
"But they're up by three. And we're only in the second."
"Good point. I guess you gotta get out there and show that guy what you're made of, Ted." Jeff laughed, knowing Ted had some of the worst batting stats in the club's history, with .185 last season and a struggling .206 in this.
"Nah, my lucky cap ain't feeling right today. Think I'm gonna do as coach says, hit for a single and get those bases loaded." Ted turned his moth-eaten cap around and around on his head. It had so many patches, Jeff wondered whether any original part still existed.
"That cap of yours is like Locke's sock."
"Whose sock? It's a cap not a sock. Why the hell would I put a smelly old sock on my head. And who's Locke? Does he play on first base?"
"No, that's Hu."
"Who?"
"Yeah, him, the Chinese guy."
"Oh, him."
"No, I'm saying that there's nothing left of that lucky cap of yours."
Ted inspected his cap and nodded.
"Same as this team. We’re the only members left from the old team who won the league two years ago. Is it the same? No, it ain't."
"Nebrowski! You're up!" shouted the coach to Ted.
"Damn," whispered Ted under his breath.
"Want me to hold your hand, Ted?" asked Jeff, drinking his plain milk.
"Hold my hand? No way. Looks like you struck out there, Jeff, ha! Nah, I'm gonna go and hit that pitcher for a home run."
"Yeah, go for it, Ted. You're a great player, a wonder. We wonder why you're here." The rest of the dugout laughed with Jeff as Ted walked to the plate. One curveball and a slider later, Ted hit the third pitch, a changeup, for a home run.
"Way ta go, Ted!"
"It's the cap, Jeff, the cap!"

Back again!

Yes, finally got internet again.
Busy.
Hopefully I'll be working on a little story for another anthology, and soon finish off 'Dani's Shorts 3' :-)
'Torn' transformed into a novella but now has turned into the next novel, the 2nd in the series of 'How to' books.
And 'How to' (1) is still at the publishers, still looking for a cover designer but now has an editor!
So, please, keep popping over here, maybe there'll be something to see soon.
My latest TIW Weekend Quickies are up, if you'd like to have a read :-)
http://theironwriter.com/weekend-quickie-48/
http://theironwriter.com/weekend-quickie-49/

TIW Challenge 76 - my take

At the moment, I'm not so into descriptions, so I had a go at this week's (next week's) TIW challenge with just dialogue, the 2 characters from that old TIW story "Miley Cyrus?". Yes, its the father and daughter once again... :-) Hope you like it.


A Lost Generation
Challenge 76

(a pink fairy armadillo, Mason jar, Mount St. Helen, a Wii U)

"You still on that…thing?"

"It’s a Wii U, Dad."

"We, you, me?"

"Dad."

"A what?"

"A Wii U Gamepad to be precise. See, it’s connected to the TV. You bought it, Dad, and you don’t remember what it is?"

"I got the latest thing for you but I didn’t know you’d be on it all day and night. How about doing something else?"

"Like what?"

"Err, your homework?"

"It’s the holidays, Dad."

"No projects to do?"

"Done."

"How about your drawing? Why don’t you do some of that?"

"Not in the mood. I’d rather play Mario."

"What about your…err…dolls?"

"Dolls? Dad, I’m fourteen, I stopped playing with Barbie a long time ago."

"Come on, you must have some other hobbies?"

"Not really."

"Err…your postcard collection? I remember you used to beg me to bring some back with me when I went on a trip."

"It’s up there. Haven’t touched them for months."

"There! Your rock collection, all those rocks on the windowsill, including a rock from the pyroclastic flows of Mount St. Helen. Why don’t we go out in the car and find some real interesting specimens over in the gravel pits?"

"No thanks, Dad."

"What…what about pets? You were doing so well with that…what was it?"

"A pink fairy armadillo, Dad. You could’ve bought me a terrapin like any ordinary parent."

"What was wrong with a…a…what was it again?"

"A pink fairy armadillo. Wrong with it? I guess you didn’t know that 95% of them in captivity die of stress and diet within eight weeks."

"You had it for…?"

"Four weeks."

"I don’t recall…what happened to it?"

"The neighbour’s cat got to it. Look, I put what I could find in that Mason jar."

"Yuck. Yeah, right, okay. Well, erm, what about that embroidery stuff you had? You loved that!"

"Benny poked his eye with a needle and Mum threw it all in the trash."

"Uh-huh. It was strange, that. He walked around for hours with that thing sticking out of the centre of his pupil. He didn’t tell us because it didn’t hurt. I worry about that kid…friends, your friends, what about your friends? Why don’t you call one of them up, see what they’re up to?"

"I’ve got seven of them online right now, on chat, and I’m also playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl with one of them."

"Oh, right. Well, aren’t you going to invite them over?"

"Four are out of state, two are in Europe and one is in hospital."

"Oh dear, is she okay?"

"He. Bone marrow transplant. Not so pleasant."

"No, quite. Where’s your mother?"

"Out."

"And your brother?"

"Cycling around the estate with his mates. Want some popcorn?"

"Err, sure, okay. So, what are you playing?"

"Thought I said. Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Wanna try?"

"Err, why not! Hand it over."

"I’ll go and get some drinks."

"Hey! This is cool! Why didn’t you say before?"

"Where have you been for the last 10 years, Dad?"

"Have…hey!...have you got any racing games?"

Book Cover Reveal 'Dani's Shorts 3' UPDATE

Other people do them, I really don't know why...Book Cover Reveals...so here's the cover of 'Dani's Shorts 3', it'll be out in 4 weeks, I guess, FREE on Smashwords :-)
AND I had to recreate it. I saw it up on the blog and noticed there was a watermark from somewhere...strange...so I found another nice picture :-) Here's the result....

Plus, I'm working on the new novella (10-11,000 words, maybe a little more). Still a little undecided as to the title and what to do with it once it's finished. But going very well (better than my first idea 'Torn'). It works on the same theme - beauty.

Weekend Quickie 46: "5 years later"

Yep, fantastic DL Zwissler did it again, reading out my TIW Weekend Quickie No.46 (and Jordan's, etc).
Okay, so, she needs some acting practise but HEY! She read it out :-)
Hear it here on the Monday show of "Lost & Found"....(my story is at 23:28)
http://www.spreaker.com/user/thefantasyrealm/the-lost-found-show-monday-monday?autoplay=1

...and here it is written down (proofread)...

"5 years later" (TIW WQ46)

(elements - image - alien baby, element - 5 years later, emotion - denial)

"Ah-ha! I finally found it!" Josh threw down a black half-filled binliner on the shop counter.

"What'ya find, Josh?" Berk picked at his teeth with his fish knife.

"You goddamn know exactly what I found! 5 years it's taken me! 5 years I struggled an' suffered in this damn town because you...you did what you did!" The bedraggled old man dropped his spade, took off his gloves and delved into the bag.

"I've no idea what you're on about. I'll ring the nuthouse again, they're doing a special, call and get a straightjacket free." Berk moved to his fingernails.

"You can't deny this anymore, Berk! I've got evidence! I found what you took away that night, 5 years ago!" Josh's hands clasped on something metal and pulled out a cylindrical container. "Now no one will call me crazy ever again!"

"Get that dirty thing off my counter," mumbled Berk, still uninterested.

"No! Not until you see it! Not until you admit I was right!" He ripped open the lid and poured the contents in front of them. "See! Now can you say I'm crazy? It's an alien, an alien baby! They came, we saw...yuck!"

"What d'ya expect, 5 years later?"

You can see it here on the TIW website, along with the others :-)

http://theironwriter.com/weekend-quickie-46/

TIW Challenge 74 - "The Spirit of Aragorn"

Yes, finally all caught up with TIW, just waiting for the 76,77 and 78. I wonder what they'll bring?
Here's my take of Challenge 74 (a bit late). I hope it invokes a reaction...:-)


The Spirit of Aragorn

TIW Challenge 74

(elements - horse, umbrella, car battery, told from the point of view of a defense attorning invoking the Stupidity Defense. (The attorney pleas stupidity, rather than insanity))

"I invoke the Stupidity Defense," said defense attorney Todd Ranson in the most serious tone he could produce.

"Oh, Mr. Ranson, I wish you wouldn't," replied Judge Theadore, scratching his long dappled nose with a hoof. "Do you have to do this every time a human comes to our court?"

"Err, yes, I do, Judge Theadore. It's because they are." With humans, it was the only course of action. Everything they did was stupid.

"Okay, Mr. Ranson. Please, once again, enlighten the court as to this human's stupidity, or as you have so rightly put on so many occasions before, the stupidity of their whole entire race."

"Thank you, Judge Theadore." Todd Ranson looked over to the bewildered human seated in the guilty chair holding a car battery and umbrella. The shock of reaching the court of Equus Ferus Caballus was perhaps too much for the fool. "As you can see, my learned colleagues, this poor specimen of a human is still in possession of the very same tools which substantiate his guilt." Clip clops of acknowledgement came from the jury. "The car battery it tried to connect to the wire fence which surrounded the victim, and the umbrella which saved itself from the pouring rain." The human realised and immediately hid the said items. "And now it probably thinks 'out of sight, out of mind'. The signs of a poor, delusional creature."

"Oh, Mr. Ranson, get to the point," grumbled Judge Theadore, neighing in boredom.

"Well, as you all know, the human race believes that it, and it alone, is the only true intellectual group on planet Animalia, or Earth as they call it." More clip clops and some irate neighing filled the courtroom. "Does this not show how stupid they are, to ignore the pleas and calls from other animals of their destructiveness and selfishness on this planet, dismissing their fellow passengers on this journey of life as mere nonsense and noise?"

"Objection! You cannot put the faults of a whole race on one individual." Prosecutor Red Randalf stood up with two hooves on his desk.

"Objection overruled, Mr. Randalf. Don't you want to get to your oats as soon as possible?" asked Judge Theadore. The prosecutor neighed and stood down.

"Thank you, Judge Theadore. Now, not only do these savages…" Todd nodded over to the human "…continue to enslave, manipulate and murder themselves and other species such as ours, they also still believe in a non-existent entity they call 'god'."

"Isn't that 'dog' spelt backwards, Mr. Ranson?" asked Judge Theadore.

"It is, your honour, a fact lost on these sad moronic parasites. And not only do they believe in such a non-existent entity, but everything that happens in their lives, they attribute to 'god', whether good or bad."

"No matter how many times you say it, Mr. Ranson, it just doesn't get old." The judge and his cohorts neighed in laughter with the whole courtroom giggling. "Everyone knows the universe is controlled by the Spirit of Aragorn."

TIW C73 - "The Sun Rises In"

It took a while to get an idea for this TIW challenge..until I put a few 'facts' together which moved me in the direction of John Donne's "The Sun Rising"


http://www.poetryfoundation.org/learning/guide/177309
I decided to create a story from this...so here it is :-)

  The Sun Rises In
73 - (Summer Open Final)

(elements - lost key, travel brochure, thermostat, dessert topping)

"Hell, that damn sun! Doesn't it know how to knock?" John got out of bed crossing the trespassing rays and ran over to the thermostat in the hotel room, tapping it to see if the dial moved.
"John, stop it. You know it's stuck on 30 degrees Celcius." Both woke up in a sweat, dying for a drink. "And it was you who left the curtains open last night."
"We needed the air." He gave up on the thermostat and jumped back into bed with Anne, his latest love, giving her a smile and a cuddle.
"You can always close your eyes, pretend it's not there."
"What? Then I wouldn't be able to see you, my dear!" She fought him off with a pillow. "But why can't it let up for a bit? Go and burn down on someone else! Say Sri-Lanka, they won't notice."
"You were the one who chose this place. Remember all those travel brochures I got for ya? You could've chosen anywhere but you didn't. You could've chosen somewhere cool, like Greenland or something like that, but no. You're a cheapskate!"
"Yeah, but you wouldn't have liked it, Greenland. It's...green."
"No, I wouldn't. Can you get me a drink, darling?"
"Sure." John got up again and tried the handle of the bathroom, the only place in the room with a tap. "Damn! Oh yeah. You and your 'lost key' story."
"Well, I did lose it. Do you think the hotel will charge for that?" she said, grinning.
"Yes, considering this establishment."
"Try the fridge."
"Broken. And empty."
"Oh, John. Did we drink it dry?" She opened her arms and he came back to the bed.
"Remember last night? The restaurant?"
"Oh yes, it was lovely, thanks for that."
"You're welcome, my dear. It was fantastic, in fact, more than fantastic, it was exquisite. But the bill…that wasn't so 'exquisite'."
"You skinflint, you! Don't I deserve a little pampering?"
"Yes, no, err, don't get me wrong, dear, I'd pay a fortune to see you happy…"
"Better. Oh, and that homemade Dulce de Leche on our strawberry ice cream sundaes? That was the greatest dessert topping I've ever eaten."
"And probably the most expensive…"
"But it was the most delicious! How can you put a price on something like that?"
"Yes, you are right, my love. For you I'd pay the price, you are the world to me." He drew her close to him once more, their sweat merging in the heat. "The world."
"If I'm the world to you, then…your world is in this bed."
"Yes. And your point, my dear?"
"My point is, if that is right, then this 'damn sun' shines on your world." Anne stood up on the bed and let the rays hit her voluptuousness.
"Err, yeah, you're right! But it's so damn hot in here…"
"Then complain! Get that thermostat fixed!" She dropped back down on the bed, almost making John fall to the floor. "Call the management!"
"I am the management!"

TIW C75 take - "The whole world's a stage!"

I don't know why, but TIW Challenge 75 (Grudge 7) elements popped out an easy and cool story.
Here's my take of it :-) Dani's Shorts 3 is coming soon, well, as soon as I can figure out what to do with C73 and C74, that is....(plus C76,C77 and C78 when they come out)

"The whole world's a stage!"

Challenge 75 (Grudge 7)
(4 elements: a halberdier, one (and only one) of the characters must be aware of the audience, must be written entirely as dialogue, the story must take place at the Dairy Queen.)

"Hello and welcome to Dairy Queen! How can I help you? Said the suave, charismatic shop assistant."

"Erm...am I in the right place? I wanted Dairy Queen."

"Yes, sir! Today it's 'Medieval Day' and each member of staff is dressed appropriately. I'm a halberdier. Look folks, I sharpened the end of my halberd for added authenticity. Spiked Josh a good 'un earlier, eh?"

"Oh good, I thought I was in that Camelot restuarant for a moment. Didn't know they did Blizzards, too. Threw me off a bit."

"No, sir, only Dairy Queen does Blizzards, in over twenty different soft serve blends!"

"Why...why are you talking and looking over your shoulder like there's an audience behind you? All I see is the wall."

"Ah-ha! The whole world's a stage! Isn't that right, folks?"

"There, you did it again. Is there a camera or something? Am I on Candid Camera again? I remember last time..."

"The whole world's a TV show, sir! Like my costume, folks? Got it from the best fancy dress shop in town."

"Yes...nice outfit. Now, can I order? Or are you going to talk to that brick wall behind you all day? And knight. Ha!"

"Please, sir, no knight jokes. Poor Ted is still trying to get over his last customer. I think it was the 'tinned food' joke. But then, it would be, wouldn't it, folks?"

"Oh dear. I'll have two Flamethrower Chicken Wraps, please, one Side Salad, and two Double Fudge Cookie Dough Blizzard Treats."

"Any drink with that, sir? You know, we always have to ask that, folks, the amount of times people eat our Flamethrowers and come rushing back to order a drink..."

"Stop talking to the wall. Yes, okay, you have a point. Erm, no, not drinks. I'll have two Peanut Butter Sundaes, please."

"We're doing a special on Chillers at the moment. Wouldn't you like to change your order and try a couple of Strawberry Lemonade DQ Chillers?"

"No, no, thanks, and watch out for that spear of yours, you almost took my eye out with that."

"Spear? Spear! This is a halberd, sir! It has an axe, a spike and a thorn at the back of the axe. It is said that one of these sliced through the back of King Richard III's skull at the battle of Bosworth! And that a Swiss peasant used one of these to kill Charles the Bold, the Duke of Burgundy, ending the Burgundian Wars in a single stroke! This, sir, is not a spear! Was that a bit too strong, folks? I thought I did quite well."

"Really? Well, thanks for the history lesson, and your suit is very nice, indeed, but all I want is my food. Can you deal with that instead of waving your six foot weapon around and talking to the wall? Oh, forget it, I'll go over to that all-night diner...hey, all 'knight' diner, ha! Put that on your halbred and smoke it. Have a nice day!"

"Why you...!"

Back in Paper.li :-)

Got another mention on another Paper.li newspaper, Erania Pinnera's paper to be precise. It's nice to be noticed, if only for a moment...
Find it here under 'Arts & Entertainment'...
http://paper.li/EraniaPinnera/1334841073
...OK, here's screenshot...

AND...through an error of mine, I got a few KDP borrows today, the first time EVER...I might see a few pennies come my way...a few, just a few.
The new book is coming along fine :-)
PLus Dani's Shorts 3 is around the corner....

Dani's Shorts 2 5 star review :-)

Been away from the internet for a few days....camping.
Definition: Camping: for those who wish to feel tired AFTER sleeping.
Working on my new book...and trying to keep up with THE Iron Writer...and talking of TIW...
...got a 5 star review, on both Amazon.com AND Amazon.co.uk from Hunter S. Jones!!! (I love her, really, she's fantastic, always there when I need some help) Meet her here...
https://www.facebook.com/HunterSJonesPR

5.0 out of 5 stars 'Miley Cyrus?' July 20, 2014

By Hunter S Jones

Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase

Dani's Shorts 2 is just fantastic. I love the way he can tell stories in such short yet meaningful stories. The charm and intelligence of the author shines through in every story. But...Autumn Equinox Final- Miley Cyrus? Only a genius would conjure up this. Loved this book. All of it. 

Get DS2 (and DS1) for FREE on Smashwords here...
https://www.smashwords.com/books/byseries/2766

Lost & Found : Dani J Caile, the man, the legend...

Yeah! I got on the radio...well, okay a podcast broadcast...but HEY!
Thanks to host DL Zwissler (soon to be VERY famous indeed) :-)
So, if you wanna hear me speak about nothing so much in particular, or just hear my crummy voice (I'm a writer not a radio guy), then here's the link!
http://www.spreaker.com/user/thefantasyrealm/dani-j-caile-the-man-the-legend
..I wish I'd had some prep time...
Enjoy!
I'll be off for a few days, so have fun!

The Iron Writer Party Line collaboration +

Hey! Today I got a mention in 'The Irena Kralj Weekly'...my freebies on Smashwords...look down in 'Arts & Entertainment' and I'm the 2nd one mentioned :-) Thanks Irena! @irenakralj
http://paper.li/irenakralj/1309707304

And something else...Mathew and I did another collaboration in the TIW Group, and a few others joined in, namely Tony Jaeger and Jordan Bell (ding-a-ling!)
Here it is! (It's rather long...)

"The Iron Writer Party Line"

Dani

"Hello, this is the Iron Writer Party Line. Press 1 if you'd like to Kill Brian, Press 2 if you'd like to praise Mamie's big hair, Press 3 if you'd like to kick Jordan's ass in a challenge, Press 4....etc "

Jordan Bell

Press 4 to talk to the Gecko.

Mathew W. Weaver

 ...press 5 to begin guessing who The Weaver is, press 6...

Dani

Press 6 for Tony 'No Show' (silence)...

Mathew W. Weaver

.... You have pressed 4. Do you confirm?

Press 1 to confirm. 2 to go back. 3 to proceed

Dani

 You have pressed 4. Do you confirm? Press 1 to confirm. 2 to go back. 3 to proceed...

Mathew W. Weaver

You have pressed one. Connecting.Please hold

Dani

"I AM holding! I've been doing this for the last 20 minutes...!"

Mathew W. Weaver

We are sorry. Please hold while we connect you to the Gecko

Dani

"The what? Hello? Hello!..."

Mathew W. Weaver

Please hold. The Gecko will be on momentarily

Dani

"The Gecko? What? What the hell? Where's the Iron Writer Party Line? Hello?"

Mathew W. Weaver

... would you like to press 5 and begin guessing who The Weaver is? Press 1 to acknowledge, 3 to go back

Dani

"No, no, no! Who give's a flying f.... don't they have any humans on this!

Mathew W. Weaver

... you have dialled 7.

Please hold

Dani

"Seven? Seven? When the hell did I press seven?"

Mathew W. Weaver

"Hey there! How can I take yer order?"

Dani

"Sorry...hey! You're human! You! I've been running through your bloody phone system for almost half an hour now and....eh? What order?"

Mathew W. Weaver

"This here's Sam's Steak and Grilled Pizza! Don't knock it till you've tried it!"

"What kin ah get ya?"

Dani

"What? Sam's what? Pizza? What the...?"

Mathew W. Weaver

Redirecting.

Would you like to press 5 and begin guessing who The Weaver is? Press 1 to acknowledge, 3 to go back

Press 1 if you'd like to Kill Brian

Press 2 if you'd like to praise Mamie's big hair

Press 3 if you'd like to kick Jordan's ass in a challenge

Press 4 to talk to the Gecko

Dani

"What? Hell, I'm gonna press 8...! See how ya like that!"

Mathew W. Weaver

You have pressed 8. Press 1 to confirm, press 2 to return

Dani

"Finally! Getting somewhere!"

Mathew W. Weaver

You have confirmed. Please hold while we connect you to "Guessing Who The Weaver Is"...

Dani

"What? No, that was 5! I'd rather bloody Kill Brian! How do I go back on this? Hell! No!"

Mathew W. Weaver

Connecting

"Hello?"

Dani

"...err, Hello...(cough)..."

Mathew W. Weaver

"You have reached the Gecko! Ask and ye shall receive!"

"...hello?"

Dani

"Oh, right. Err, hello, 'Gecko'. Now, err...erm...okay...erm....The Weaver, huh? Erm...is he LeBron James?"

Mathew W. Weaver

"The Weaver? What the heck is that?"

Dani 

"The Weaver. Your system just put me through to "Guessing Who The Weaver Is". All I wanted to do was speak to Tony 'No Show'. Who are you?"

Mathew W. Weaver

"I told you. I'm the Gecko,"

Dani

"The Gecko? What the hell is that? Look I don't know who you are but I want to complain to someone in charge!"

Mathew W. Weaver

"Look pal, you called me. And for the record, I haven't a clue what the Gecko is. Jordan came up with it,"

Dani

"Jordan? Who the hell is Jordan? And don't you 'pal' me, mate! I've been waiting for over half an hour to get in touch with Tony 'No Show' and all I get is a screwy phone system and your sorry arse!"

Mathew W. Weaver

"Well, you're stuck with me, pal, for better or worse. What's with this 'No Show' dude you keep harping about, anyway?"

Tony Jaeger

You've reached Tony No Show, I'm not here right now, but please leave me a message, and I'll... I dunno, get back to you and stuff

Mathew W. Weaver

"Who the heck are you? And how did you get on this line?"

Dani

"What the f....! Oi! You! Tony 'No Show' I'll give ya a piece of my mind, I will! You, Gecko! Get yer boss on the line! I wanna see the Complaints book!"

Mathew W. Weaver

"Whoa, bro. This is way over my pay grade"

Tony Jaeger

Hey, this is Tony No Show. Please don't ask me for the complaints book. It's a big Damn book, and really heavy

Mathew W. Weaver

"Hey, quit hogging the line! This is a personal paid-for call here!"

Dani

"Hey! I wanna speak to the boss! Get me your boss on the line!"

Jordan Bell

Herro, you wan terriyaki, you call wight place. Sofa king goo fry duck aso. Wanton!? You wanten wanton! Got you covahd. Like jimmy hat.

O. Herro, I see. Wong numba!

Dani

"What? Hey! Is this a crossed line? What?"

Mathew W. Weaver

"Who the.... did you say terriyaki?"

Dani

"Where's the boss!"

Dani

"No I didn't! That was some screwball Chinese dude! Where's your boss?"

Jordan Bell

Wat on stick? Herro?

Mathew W. Weaver

"Terriyaki?"

Dani

"Get off the bloody line! Hell...!"

Mathew W. Weaver

"Just a sec, now, Chief. Hey, Chinese dude,"

Jordan Bell

Confucius say, wong numba asso jerki boy!

Mathew W. Weaver

"Hey, hey, hold it. How's your roast duck?"

Jordan Bell

Brrrrcccchhhkkkk! We're sorry. The number you have reached has been disconnected.

Mathew W. Weaver

"Wait your turn, Tony boy,"

"Oh for the love of...."

Dani

"....were you ordering food on MY call?"

Jordan Bell

Press 4 for the The Geico Gecko

Dani

"I...oh, go shove your head in a....." (click) .duhhhhhhhh...

Mathew W. Weaver

(static)

TIW Weekend Quickie #44 LIVE!

Something new!
I wrote up my take on the TIW Weekend Quickie #44 and it was quite successful, I think.
http://theironwriter.com/weekend-quickie-44/
AND, on her podcast broadcast, DL Zwissler, that great erotic indie writer, read it out :-)
Listen to it here! If you want to only hear my story, she reads it out at around 25:00 :-)
http://www.spreaker.com/user/thefantasyrealm/raidm
I was also involved in an earlier broadcast and the Iron Writers involved were asked to write something inspired by a song...

The inspiration: Clare Bowen - Black Roses

This is what I wrote...I don't usually write poetry...

Seeking help, you poor me, what the hell ya think. 

Weep, weep, til your eyes they bleed.

Take a look at yourself, take a look at the street you live

And walk away.

 

Did I like the song? You tell me...

Farts in Great Literature :-)

I didn't get through to the TIW Summer Open....mmmm. Bummer. Came 2nd in the Popular vote, which was okay, but scored some disastrous votes with the 4 anonymous judges, 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 4th out of 4 writers...what happened?
Got feedback from one judge, which was good because I wasn't the only one who was shocked with my result. One judge who gave 4th said "Farts are low on my literature list."

What? Farts are found throughout literature! Not only are farts a major part of the Minion Universe (one element of the four needed in the story), they can also be found in some of the best works of the greatest writers! Let's start off with....William Shakespeare!!

Macbeth Act 1 Scene 3
Second Witch: I'll give thee a wind.
First Witch: Thou'rt kind.
Third Witch: And I another.

King Lear Act 3 Scene 2
King Lear: Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! Rage, blow! 


Othello Act 3 Scene 1

Clown: Are these, I pray you, wind instruments? 
First Musician: Ay marry are they, sir.
Clown: O, thereby hangs a tail.
First Musician: Whereby hangs a tail, sir?
Clown: Marry, sir, by many a wind instrument that I know. 

Farts are also mentioned in Henry IV Part 2, Comedy of Errors, Hamlet, Two Gentlemen from Verona...Shakespeare liked fart jokes.

In the early 17th century there were also poems written about farts, like "The Parliament Fart" and "The Farts Epitaph".  

Ben Johnson's play The Alchemist opened with a fart...maybe that was for the best....

The world's oldest recorded joke back in 1900 BC was about a fart... a saying from the Sumerians: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

And here are many other writers...

Aristophanes’ The Clouds (423 BCE)  
I get colic, then the stew sets to rumbling like thunder and finally bursts forth with a terrific noise.

Dante Alighieri’s The Inferno...
They turned along the left bank in a line,
but before they started, all of them together
had stuck their pointed tongues out as a sign
to their Captain that they wished permission to pass,
and he had made a trumpet of his ass. (End of Canto 21)

Geoffrey Chaucer...The Canterbury Tales (The Miller's Tale)
This Nicholas just then let fly a fart
As loud as it had been a thunder-clap

Jonathan Swift wrote a pamphlet about "The Benefit of Farting"!
He wrote: “I take it there are five or six different species of fart.” These are “the sonorous and full-toned or rousing fart,” “the double fart,” “the soft fizzing fart,” “the wet fart,” and “the sullen wind-bound fart.” 


And if we want to go over to the USA, because literature is so 'rich' over there...(probably more 'wet' farts)

Mark Twain...1601 Conversation as it was by the Social Fireside in the Time of the Tudors 
Lady Alice: Good your grace, an' I had room for such a thunderbust within mine ancient bowels, 'tis not in reason I coulde discharge ye same and live to thank God for yt He did choose handmaid so humble whereby to shew his power. Nay, 'tis not I yt have broughte forth this rich o'ermastering fog, this fragrant gloom, so pray you seeke ye further.  

J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher In The Rye
“this guy sitting in the row in front of me, Edgar Marsalla, laid this terrific fart. It was a very crude thing to do, in the chapel and all, but it was also quite amusing. Old Marsalla. He damn near blew the roof off.”

Fact of the matter is, farts have been going off in literature since the begining of time! And are these works about farts? Is Macbeth about farts? Are farts the meaning behind Macbeth? Or The Catcher In The Rye? No. And they are not valued for their farts. Neither should my small work have been.

But why use farts? To get a REACTION from their audience, usually shock/laughter. I got shock...here's my piece for what it's worth in the TIW Prelim...it got 3rd place :-(
"Death of Another Salesman"..you'll find it here...
http://theironwriter.com/dean-koontz-bracket/

TIW Collaboration: "The Duel of the DLs"

While waiting for the TIW Summer Prelim results, Mathew W. Weaver and myself got together for a little relay once again, and it was finished off this time by DL Zwissler :-) The duelists..DL Zwissler and DL Mackenzie.
'Tis not bad for a little collaboration :-)

"The Duel of the DLs"

Mathew
The sky had long since darkened, and the storm was ever brutal. A split second flash of lightning seared the picture in mind, the two still figures, all but silhouettes. Water dripped off tangled, soaked hair, and off the muzzles of the ornate Colts pointed at the ground
Dani
"Today. Today of all days, it will be settled." grimaced Zwissler, squeezing her Colt, ready for action.
Mathew
"We both know how this ends. Give up before I do something you regret,"
Dani
"Never! The honour of holding the initials 'DL' is mine! I was here first!" Her teeth gleemed white in the dim light of the storm.
Mathew
"Survival of the fittest, my dear," His eyes never leaving hers, he drew back on the hammer, feeling rather than hearing the reassuring click as the cylinder rolled in place
Dani
"Then, let it begin!" Zwissler lifted her Colt in a second and aimed for his heart....
Mathew
... but a sudden flash of lightning fouled everything. Involuntarily, she raised it and fired, the bullet whizzing past his left ear.
Dani
Anger flushed his face as Mackenzie checked his ear. "So that's how we'll play it, huh?" With a straight arm he aimed and fired.
DL Zwissler
But soon he realized she wouldn't really die because red heads have no souls. The end.

TIW Ch 72 take..."Team Building"

If you STILL haven't voted for me in Challenge 71, please do :-) It's a cracker!

http://theironwriter.com/dean-koontz-bracket/

And while you're looking, go see my Weekend Quickie 43, it's a nice one....

JUMP!

http://theironwriter.com/weekend-quickie-43/

AND here's my take of the next challenge :-)

This is a challenge put together by Michael Pitman :-) Good on ya, Mike!

Challenge 72 - "Team Building"

(4 elements - Repeated unsuccessful attempts at starting a campfire/fireplace fire, favorite childhood memory that actually is a lie, funeral of a stranger, sign "fail")

"This is the last time I go on one of those team building weekends," moaned Shaun.

"But you're the organiser!" screamed Karen, right into his face. He cowered into a ball and hid in the trees around the clearing.

"Bob, haven't you got that fire ready yet?" asked Dave, Shaun's second-in-charge.

"No. I'm an accountant, not a woodsman. You try."

"Me? I've never made a fire in my life. Never even got a scout badge."

"What?" Tracy started up on Dave. "Five days we've been going around in these woods, first we've gotta deal with this 'jellyfish'…"

"Easy now, Shaun's had a bad time of it lately, what with his wife leaving and her taking custody of the dog…"

"Who gives a shit about the dog! Look! Look at that!" Karen pushed Dave over to the other side of the clearing, where the slowly rotting corpse of their fellow team builder 'whatsisname' lay. "I think there are bigger things to worry about than a bloody dog!"

"Well, he shouldn't've touched that sign."

"What, the sign that said "Caution, this sign has sharp edges". What kind of sign is that?" yelled Tracy.

"Let's just settle down, alright?" Keith was the quiet, calm type. "I thought we already came to the decision. We give…whatsisname…a funeral befitting a viking warrior…"

"Without the boat," mentioned Bob, still blowing on the smoke, trying to get the fire going and needing to relight it with yet another match from their dwindling supply.

"Yes, thank you, Bob. Light the fire, okay?" Keith dragged the body of 'whatsisname' closer to the large pile of unlit wood. "Does anyone know his name?"

"Dave?" threatened Karen.

"Err, no. Shaun thought we'd leave the list of names at basecamp, to make it a more 'connecting' team building exercise, no one knowing who is who, everyone getting together…"

"His throat was cut in the first two hours! We never got a chance to know him or even speak to him!"

"Hey! It's…no, it isn't." Bob took out another match. They all sat down and tried not to smell the body.

"Why didn't we turn back right then?" asked Keith.

"Err, we did. Then we got lost," confessed Dave.

"What a complete balls-up."

"Hey, I remember a fantastic time, lost in the woods when I was a kid," laughed Dave.

"Yes, really? Seeing as you are now here, you found your way out," replied Bob, blowing.

"It was great! We had no food…"

"Like now."

"… it poured down for days…"

"Like now."

"…and we had no map and no way to find our way home."

"Like now. So, what happened?"

"Err, erm…"

"That was a lie, wasn't it? You didn't get lost in the woods, did you?" growled Karen.

"Err, no. No, we didn't."

"Hell."

"Tesco's. It was Tesco's."

Karen grabbed a large stick from the unlit fire and whacked it around his head.

"Ow!"

"Now then, that's enough of that!"

They all sat down again in silence.

"Hey! I've got it…nope."

"Death of Another Salesman" :-) TIW Summer Open

It's voting time again!
Yes, somehow I got into the Iron Writer Summer Open Preliminary Round :-)
500 words, 4 elements included in the Flash fiction story...fantastic!
So, please come and vote for the best (hopefully me) here in the Dean Koontz bracket....
"Death of Another Salesman"...yes, it has a connection to that classic play :-)
http://theironwriter.com/dean-koontz-bracket/

...and if you have time, please peruse the other brackets - I'm sure all the stories are great!
http://theironwriter.com/challenge-72-the-2014-summer-solstice-open-preliminary-round/


Extra....
Well, Manna-X was FREE for 2 days and there are more people now who have the book, who will read it (please) and maybe even review it (PLEASE). It is official. There are now over 3000 copies of Dani J Caile books around this spinning rock :-) (unfortunately, not many of them were paid for)
Here are the ranks...
Amazon.com

 #2,761 Free in Kindle Store

#36 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Literature & Fiction > Humor & Satire > General Humor

Amazon.co.uk

 #1,748 Free in Kindle Store

#30 in Kindle Store > Books > Science Fiction & Fantasy > Fantasy > Contemporary

#33 in Kindle Store > Books > Literature & Fiction > Humour & Satire > Literary Humour

New BIG idea

Yes, it only takes a few moments to get an idea. And I think this is the next one. Ideas are breeding ideas, characters are coming to life, plots and motives are appearing...a new book is forming in my head...

Manna-X is FREE today too! So, if you STILL haven't got it, or know someone who hasn't got it, go download it! Yesterday it got to No.39 in 'General Humour'...that's quite good considering the amount of books in that category! And my 1st ever download from Portugal! There are now a few more people with the book...let's see if the book can better that today...
http://www.amazon.com/Manna-X-Dani-J-Caile-ebook/dp/B00D94CWF0

Manna-X FREE for 2 days

Well, Dani's Shorts 2 got to No.9044 in the Amazon Free Kindle store...great, maybe a few downloads then.
BUT, Manna-X is FREE now for 2 days, if you haven't already got a copy, go get one! And if you know someone who should read it, tell them!
http://www.amazon.com/Manna-X-Dani-J-Caile-ebook/dp/B00D94CWF0

Manna-X

"I haven't come across anything quite like this..." Debbie Roxburgh (Speedy McCready)

"With your wily work [Dani], I tend to focus on what's in parentheses. (I also think you are very misunderstood...and possibly always have been.)" Eponymous Rox (B.O.T.)

Reginald sends Graham Reader (aka the Grim Reaper), out on a mission to find Code 237-Manna-X, the Manna Machine after the Overlords warn him of an imminent (3000 year old) threat against the security of both the physical and non-physical realms.
Will Graham find the fantastic yet deadly device before anyone or anything else does?

Writing Process Chain letter post

Wow! Got my very first royalty check from 3 Fates Press for sales of 'Circuits & Steam'...considering it's an anthology, that's quite a bit...well, okay, it's pennies but it's something :-)

This post is actually part of a Writing Process chain letter, and I was tagged by Marian Allen, one third of 3 Fates Press (http://www.marianallen.com/2014/06/writing-process/) so I'd better get to it!

My Writing Process...
Okay, maybe this'll help someone but I doubt it, it's quite boring, really.
1. I write up my ideas on the 'big' story and try to put them in some order
2. I draw up a diagram which includes all my characters, their actions, motivations, etc
3. From 2. comes a whole load of new ideas, so I have to redo No.2 (this stops once I get a whole story and I can then move on)
4. I start writing up the 'big' story
5. I read what I have and edit/add/subtract until I'm satisfied that's what I wanted when I started No.1.

Easy, really...yeah, right. It takes 3-12 months and it starts with the 'big' story idea. At the moment, I'm playing around with a few.

This is a chain letter, so I'd better tag a few people...3 is the required number...2 is too little, 4 is too much, 5 is WAY OUT...I guess I'd better tell them...

1: Jordan Bell (http://jbfiction.blogspot.hu/)
2: Mathew W. Weaver (http://ramblingsandraving.blogspot.hu/)
3:  Tannis Laidlaw (http://tannislaidlaw.com/)

Good luck :-)

Dani's Shorts 2 FREE on Amazon for 2 days

As the title says. For some reason, people only want to download things from Amazon, so 2 days for free there. I don't know why but Amazon Kindle won't let me give any other free promotions...must look into that later. Go get DS2 from Amazon for FREE...now :-)
http://www.amazon.com/Danis-Shorts-2-Dani-Caile-ebook/dp/B00IHYKKG0
A new idea...yes and no. The problem is I can't think about anything for more than 5 minutes...here's my latest Weekend Quickie (42) on the Iron Writer website...
http://theironwriter.com/weekend-quickie-42/
I wanted to do the 'firework' but Jordan beat me to it...I don't want to tread on anyone's toes but....maybe I'll try a firework one for 42 in my next collection...
So, new idea? Yes...and no. A continuation of 'How to'? (which you haven't read yet) Another 'Graham Reader'? (so easy...okay, maybe I'll do that :-))

TIW Summer Open Preliminaries...

Somehow I got into the Iron Writer Summer Eq Prelims :-) I got 2nd behind KA DaVur in that last Grudge match and I sneaked in...have already sent my story and it'll be up next Thursday, so please be sure to vote.
This time, anonymous judges will place each story in their brackets, and the popular vote (where you come in) will be 1/3 of the vote. It is still important to get a large popular vote, but hopefully the judges will mean that something 'good' will get through to the Summer Final, and not some crap which has been voted for by all someone's friends and relatives...me? I always try to write something 'good'. It would be a disgrace for me if I wrote something 'bad' or even worse, boring. My story has depth, jokes, and is connected to a classic play...you'll see.
Other than that, not much going on...except Summer!! :-)

Transition Period 2 : My take on Challenge 70

I haven't been posting much lately, I'm slowing down due to being 'published', I think. Nothing runs on the same timeframe as in self-publishing. I am, however, working on The Iron Writer Anthology 2013-2014.
Plus I've just had a go at Challenge 70...written from last evening's experience while looking at a house...

(Challenge 70 - demolition derby, light sabres, mud wrestling, roman candles)

For Better For Worse

The match was on, full blast, the large flat green screen glowing in one corner of their living room, her husband grinning and cheering in the other, beer can in dirty hand. He hadn't bothered to wash since coming back from his workplace, dumping himself down in his favourite chair and flicking on the television. The kids quietly played in the kitchen looking like they'd already suffered one scalding from their father.

"What you doing?"

"Eh? What does it look like? Watching the game!" He gulped down another mouthful of his cheap beer. "Got any snacks?"

"Unless you want some of the kids Cheerios, no. Where's the money?"

"Here." He patted his trouser pocket but showed no movement to give her any for the weekly shopping.

"I got food to get."

"Then get going. And buy some nuts, I want some nuts. And be quick!"

"But I can't shop without money."

He begrudingly handed over a wad of cash, barely enough. A long stare got his attention.

"What?"

"I need more than that."

"I ain't got any more."

"What did you do, drink it away?"

"Don't you start!" One team scored in the match. "Yes!"

"I really don't know what I saw in you..."

His head slowly turned and his eyes narrowed, but a smile came over his face.

"I remember that night, the first time I saw you, mud wrestling with that buxom brunette cousin of yours. Ha, if it weren't for your sharp hawk-like features and flowing red hair I would've thought you were a man."

"You pig! I knew you'd had my cousin. She's always had an eye for you!"

"Then why did you go for me, huh? Huh?"

"...for your collection of Lego light sabres, that's what."

He laughed and spilled some beer on the worn out carpet.

"Yeah, not much of a choice was there, me and my manly charms or that Brett guy and his toys. That light weight poofter." He tried to grab her around the waist but missed. "Oh, and that first night, eh? There were some fireworks that night, eh?"

"More like cheap roman candles that fizzed out after a few seconds."

He went back to his match and beer.

"And what about the car?"

He was ignoring her now.

"The car! I need to use something to go shopping in! You said you'd sort it out this week!"

The other team scored, making it even.

"There's nothing wrong with the car, it runs like a dream. It's your driving that's the problem."

"Dream? A dream? I once had a dream...but now I don't have time to dream, always rushing around this house, cleaning up after you and the kids. That car is a wreck! It's only good for the demolition derby!"

"That's a great car, that is." He drank up his beer and watched the match.

"Now I've gotta use the bus."

"Whatever. Be quick. Remember the nuts. Oh, and get me some more beer."

The kids went with her.

Transition period (plus Challenge 68 take)

I think I'm going through a transition period. I'm not writing much, waiting for my new book to be published by someone else other than me and I feel like I'm in no man's land. I'm not impressed with my work on 'Torn', my new idea, and I'm waiting for the next to appear. I'm also continuously ill...
Anyway, here's my take on Challenge 68, it took a while to come out - a variation of Woolf's 'Mark on the Wall' :-)


Challenge 68 - The Hole in the Wall

(elements, rock, paper, scissors, shaving cream)

What exactly did we ever do in those school breaks, those thousands of endless breaks between lessons? It seems such a waste now, all that running around, playing football, picking on the weak kid, playing kiss chase, inventing some stupid game which involved a tennis ball and large empty wall, and basically talking rubbish throughout. Why didn’t we study, why didn’t we try to better ourselves when we had the chance? Why didn’t we listen when the teacher asked us to study for the test, do the project, or stop throwing paper at each other? Now look at us, stuck in deadend jobs, paying the bills, breeding more fodder for the system to chew on and spit out.

There was one teacher, I remember now, only one, who tried to wake us up. But one wasn’t enough. He gave us an opportunity to think, to have an opinion, to question things around us, both close to home and globally. No tests every other lesson, no punishment for late homework, only bad marks if we didn’t do right. He used to let us play, too, but in what he called an educational way. One game I really didn’t like back then was ’rock, paper, scissors’. What the hell was that all about? He told us it originated in China way back, and has been used to settle small trivial arguments ever since. I didn’t get it then and, as he always encouraged us to do, I questioned its logic. Sure, rock blunts scissors, and scissors cuts paper, but paper covers rock? No, I wasn’t having that. I even tried to show him that paper doesn’t stop a flying rock with a few ill fated experiments. His point was that it covered the rock. I then said you might as well cover it with shaving cream or some kind of foam, or a box, maybe. He said that a box was made of cardboard, which is paper, but he liked my idea of shaving cream. He opened it up to the class, that if paper changed to shaving cream, what could the other two objects be? Razor was easy as a substitute for scissors but the others got stumped on the rock. Looking at the teacher, it came to me in a flash. His face. The silence in the classroom was broken by the teacher’s laughter. Yes, razor scrapped away shaving cream, shaving cream covered his face, and his face blunted the razor. He gave me a good mark for that one, but he then asked me how I was going to represent them…that’s when the idea fell apart.

I wonder what ever became of that teacher? Last thing I heard was that he’d written a book and got it published, though I don’t think he was famous or anything. And what about all of us, the thinkers, the opinionated argumentatives? Menial jobs, most of us, but I did learn one thing. The pen is mightier than the sword. Paper covers rock.

When TIWs get together - The Cat and the Monkey

As a writer I believe in living on the edge. I don't believe in sitting at my computer, waiting for inspiration, wondering where and when the next big idea will come from, what my latest work will be. I believe in writing. Today I saw a picture of a cat which reminded me of one I used to know. This sparked off a kind of 'duel relay' with my good 'young' buddy, Mathew W. Weaver who was the one who shared the picture on his facebook page. This relay can be seen on his page... https://www.facebook.com/mathew.wordweaver/posts/1430664367204612?comment_id=1430748550529527&notif_t=like
...you have to get to the 1st comment, then read down. At first we took it easy, 4/5 words each, then we took half sentences, until the story was done! It's a rather strange little story, but worth the outing, and the reading.

Congrats to Mathew, for 3 hours of coming back with the goods! :-)
Herer's the same on his own blog...I think excellently presented :-)
http://ramblingsandraving.blogspot.hu/2014/06/the-tale-of-cat-and-monkey-when-tiws.html

The Cat and the Monkey (12 June 2013)

Mathew W. Weaver:shared Animal Advocates's photo.

True enough!

 Dani: There was this cat...

Mathew:... which lived all alone...

Dani: ...in a little white...

Mathew:...doghouse. It's neighbor....

  

Dani: a grouchy, diseased and...

Mathew:...putrid monkey with a bad case of rabies....

Dani: ...loved to howl and screech...

Mathew:... at odd hours during the afternoon.

  

Dani: Well, this cat decided that...

  

Mathew:...enough was enough, and...

  

Dani: ...in one odd moment when...

  

Mathew:... the monkey was having guests over....

  

Dani: ...he leapt up onto the fence which separated...

  

Mathew:...the garden from the swimming pool, and...

Dani: marked the area for all to smell. Unfortunately, the water...

Mathew:... formerly a beautiful shade of deep blue...

Dani: ...now turned to a dirty shade of yellow.

Mathew:The monkey, in the process of...

Dani: creaming his butt for the infamous...

Mathew:... Cherished Chimpanzee maneuver, which also involved...

Dani: squeezing his testicles in a banana vice...

Mathew:... and yodeling in as high pitched a voice as possible...

Dani: ...stopped in his tracks when the guests noticed...

Mathew:... that there was now a palpable change in odor...

Dani: ...and an oily viscosity to the water,

Mathew:...accompanied by a faintly noxious cloud of green.

Dani: The way that monkey somersaulted...

Mathew:... with the poise and agility of a gymnast and...

Dani: ...no hint of the 23 years in urethral sling surgery which blighted his blossoming career as...

Mathew:... an acrobatic pianist at the local circus, he...

Dani: ...could've won Gold at the local Prosthetic...

Mathew: ...Amazing Aeronautical Ape Competition, that also happened to feature...

Dani: …..the Stupendous Russian Poodles of Kiev and their...

Mathew:... lesser known counterparts, the Roaring Rottweilers of Romania.

Dani: With a flick and fling, the monkey landed...

Mathew:... with grandeur on the tiles beside the pool, but...

Dani: ...unbeknown to his little brain, the cat had already covered them with...

Mathew:... litty itty bits of hairballs that he had torn to pieces just so.

Dani: The monkey's guests looked on as their host suffered the most hilarious bout of chaetophobia...

Mathew:... as his legs scrambled wildly and yet he stayed in one place. His mouth open in a yodel of protest...

Dani: ...,to the surprise of all who were there to witness it,..

Mathew:... he managed to miraculously regain his balance. He grabbed the fence, and let out a sigh of relief. But that, however, was before...

Dani: ...the cat had enacted his "piece de resistance", the 'claws in...

Mathew:...extremely sensitive area' maneuver. The onlookers raised paws to their mouths as...

Dani: the sound of ripping flesh intruded on their as yet unperturbed sanity of mind.

Mathew:With a final shriek of defiance, the monkey lurched backwards...

Dani: ...,bananas and nuts filling the air, splashing into the yellow, viscous cloudlike pool, leaving the poor creature with nothing more than...

Mathew:...a tuft of hair around the back of his ears. Enraged at the loss of his once luxurious fur, he lunged...

Dani: ...towards the cat, tripped on his own Fatty Patty inflatable jumbo love doll he'd prepared for the second attraction of the day and...

Mathew:... landed on his now bare skinned belly. The momentum of that fall slid him backwards, limbs flaying, right into the pool. The splash...

Dani: of the thick yellow/green soup within the pool, unnaturally defying gravity as it slunk through the air, ...

Mathew:...splattered all onlookers, doused any and everything unprotected. The cat, untouched as a cat always is, leaped onto the fence once more to survey the damage. Satisfied that the task was done, he left, victorious and proud.

Dani: THE END

Mathew:(bows)

Dani: (bows)