More TIW Weekend Quickies...

I'm trying to catch up with the Iron Writer Weekend Quickies, I have 12 to go...but here are two of my latest...
(I'm on almost 6000 words on the new book, getting there)

WQ 110 (109) - Spongebob Squarepants, A skillet, A grandma wearing a tutu, 200 words

"Look, I'm not a chef, don't blame me," said Tony. "I'm no Spongebob Squarepants who can whip up a crabby patty in the blink of an eye. I need some time to get... acclimatized to the situation... now, where is the flour?" He searched the kitchen, opening all the cupboard doors but finding nothing.

"We all have to do our part, Tony. She's your grandma. We made a deal, today I have to take the kids to the performance, while you make your grandma her usual morning pancakes." She grabbed the car keys and headed for the door.

"Okay, okay, that's fine, but where's the skillet?" Tony stood there, an apron half-tied around his waist. She came back, sorted out the knot and took down the skillet from the rack.

"Anything else? Kids! We're off!"

"Okay, mum!" came a reply from upstairs.

Grandma walked into the room from the garden, a fairy wand in one hand, a plastic tiara  in her hair and wearing a ballet outfit, complete with shoes and tutu.

"I've just been over to the neighbors and wished the dog away. Damn barking kept me awake all night."

"Yes, grandma. Any idea where the maple syrup is?"

WQ 111 (Sunday) – Big Screen TV, The Avengers, Grilled Cheese Sandwich, The Red Sea. 150 Words        

“But come on, I want a ‘Big Screen TV’ that takes up the whole wall so I can watch ‘The Avengers’ and ‘The Age of Ultron’ on.,.on…on a ‘Big Screen TV’! Just like in the cinema! And have big whopping speakers to get that big fat Dolby Surround Sound!”

“The chances of you getting a ‘Big Screen TV’ are the same as you parting the Red Sea.”

“What do I work all week for, eh? So I can come home every night and watch some shit on this measly piece of crap!” Tucker threw his empty beer can at the television, narrowly missing the screen and hitting the cat. “Why can’t I finish my day watching a ‘Big Screen TV’?’

‘Because you work at Walmart.”

“Oh yeah.” Tucker sighed and flicked the channel.

“You want a grilled cheese sandwich?”

Tucker sat there, watching a ‘Friends’ repeat. “Yeah, alright.”

Writing THE book 2

Oh look, another post. I have finished the first part...yes, it's going to take a while, though I think it'll be short, this new book.
For a year I've been starting and restarting, creating beginnings, creating other beginnings, getting nowhere. Now I'm on a roll. I'm writing for myself, as it should be. I think my problem has been the "What would people read? What is on people's minds? What would hit them as 'hip'?" That's the 'John Green' thing. Don't get me wrong, people like John Green...it is a business, this writing thing. Why not write about something people have on their minds?
This latest idea of mine, this book, is about love, desire. If you can understand it. It also has teeth.
Maybe I'll put an excerpt on my blog...or maybe not.
Anyway, 'Dani's Shorts 4' went over the 250 free downloads mark, though still no reviews...
The TIW Ironology Anthology 2 should be out soon, I have a few stories in that...
A Summer compilation from the Indie Collaboration should also be coming out in June...
Hopefully, my Alice in Wonderland short story will be published soon (either by myself or in a compilation)....
And this book, too :-)
So, things to look forward to...
Plus a few TIW Weekend Quickies, worth a look...
http://theironwriter.com/the-weekend-quickie-118/

http://theironwriter.com/the-weekend-quickie-109-sunday-edition/

Writing 'THE' book...

It's been almost a year since I write anything over 20,000 words...I have 3, no, 4 ideas on the go, all at about 10k, but no more. But now, finally, one of them is begging to be written, 'THE' book.
...it will break rules...
...it will 'pretend' to be something it's not...
...it will be 'more' than you can see...kind of a 'codex' book
...but it will also be 'entertaining' as well as 'strange'...
 I already have a cover, a title and 'some' of the plot...('plot' you say?)...but all that later...
Other than this book which might turn out to be novella sized, there's a sci-fi waiting to be written and the sequel to "How to".
I'm still doing the TIW Weekend Quickies, so there will probably also be a 'Dani's Shorts 4 plus' later :-)

Weekend Quickie 114

Had a go at the TIW Weekend Quickie 114...just to see if I still had it.
Researched Soda vs Pop (where and who uses the words, plus any rivalries...Raiders vs Chiefs), used my hatred of lemon in my tea, reserched Johnny Carson's show, added Anne Frank's Diary, and hey presto!

http://theironwriter.com/the-weekend-quickie-114-sunday-edition/#comment-210287

(250 words: a lemon, Johnny Carson, Soda vs Pop, Anne Frank)

The lemon hit me straight in the forehead.
"What the...?" Lemons are hard, especially when thrown at high speed by your girlfriend.
"I've had enough!" She stormed out of the kitchen and went into the bedroom. By the time I'd rubbed my injury better, she'd packed a bag.
"Honey, what are you doing?"
"I'm leaving! I've had enough of you!" She searched through the bookshelves for treasures, including that ugly brown copy of Anne Frank's Diary and began flinging our ripped DVDs around the room, taking out her "Friends" and "24". A DVD filled with Johnny Carson's old shows from the 80s hit me in the eye.
"What did I do?"
She threw the books and DVDs into another traveling case and made for the door. I frantically picked up the mess she'd left on the floor, checking to see whether she'd damaged any of my precious "Monkey Magic" rips. She hadn't, they were still safely in their case.
"It's enough that you're a Raiders fan and I'm a Chiefs, AND that your guys beat us last time..."
"Well, I am from California," I replied, now rubbing my eye.
"And putting lemon in my tea when you darn well know that I HATE lemon..."
"Sorry, force of habit. You usually make the tea first and then I add lemon."
"But, but THEN, goddamn! THEN you ask for a POP?!"
"All I said was, can I have a soda?"
"I HATE you!" She slammed the door and the flat was empty.

Time for a post

It's been a while since I posted.
I'd like to say that everything is going swell, everything is going fine.
But all I see is 'smileys'...with a kick to the face.
After being asked to, I watched 'The Maze Runner' (and read a bit). 7 million readers can't be wrong.
Had an idea for a 'Maze Runner' parody. Would anyone read it?
Now? At the moment, waiting on any news from my new book "How to", watching a few downloads of my free ebooks go out every day, waiting for my next sale, waiting for any of my ideas to take root in my head so I can write them out...it seems I'm waiting...BUT nothing comes to those who wait.
So...back to writing...
On another note...
Well over 200 copies of 'Dani's Shorts 4' are out there somewhere! Not bad for 6 weeks, that's 40 downloads a week...OK, OK, I know someone who SOLD over 1500 copies in April (and that was a slow month for her), but these numbers for me are good.

https://www.smashwords.com/books/byseries/2766

1st Annual Dani J Caile, Quicky Yet Sardonic Invitational

Hey! Cool...some recognition...I'm touched.
After posting this...
http://danijcaile.blogspot.com/2015/04/2nd-year-anniversary-iron-writer-500.html
...Brian Rogers of the Iron Writer Challenge announced the "1st Annual Dani J Caile, Quicky Yet Sardonic Invitational", where other Iron Writers can try the same thing, a 500 word story from 1 element per weekly challenge :-)
Thank you, Brian!
Go to http://theironwriter.com and see what's happening...

BTW, Dani's Shorts 4 is almost at 200 free downloads!
https://www.smashwords.com/books/byseries/2766

2nd year Anniversary Iron Writer 500 worder

To celebrate the second year of The Iron Writer Challenge, I thought I'd do as I did last year and create a story with an element from each weekly challenge of the year, in order. All quite pointless, really, but a lot of fun,
Here's a link to last year's..."Waiting for the Equinox"
http://danijcaile.blogspot.com/2014/02/first-annual-2014-iron-blog-tour.html

And here is this year's :-)
Hope you like it...


Trouble at the Lodge

(500 words, 1 element from weekly challenges 59+61-109)

"Look, I'm an atheist, okay," said Dave, pushing through the revolving doors of the ski lodge.
"But you can't hit it with a wooden club, in fact, any weapon."
Dave looked at his companion. "Take that paper bag off your head when I'm speaking."
"No," said Bob.
"And irrigation boots? We're in the Alps!"
They walked to reception, where two staff members were playing rock/paper/scissors, another was eating breakfast with Thornwood tableware, and two others fought with light sabres in the back room. A Minion Dave plush ominously stood over a desk sign which said 'Caution: sharp edges'.
"Excuse me, but I'd like to report a broken thermostat."
"Why sir? What did it do?" asked the receptionist.
"It's broken." Dave gave his most evil stare.
"I'm sorry sir, but the horse has been taken to the halberdier's. We do, however, have a pink fairy armadillo..." He showed the creature from behind the desk.
"Is it gluten free?" asked Bob. Dave moved from 'evil stare' to 'WTF'.
"That would be the poodle, sir. You'd have to asked the bellboy." He pointed to an old genetically enhanced gnome drinking Dr. Pepper over by the lift. The gnome instantly took out his ninja weaponry, ready for battle.
"Looks nasty to me," muttered Dave, watching the kusarigama and fukiya.
"Don't worry, sir. Use a perfume atomiser and call his sons Saggitians. Works every time...sir?"
Dave was transfixed by the poster under the wall clock showing Neo from 'The Matrix' holding a Sooty puppet.
"How can that be?"
"Oh, that. It was our late manager's. We leave it there, out of respect."
"Late?"
"Yes, he suffered from Misophonia."
"He died from Misophonia?" asked Bob.
"He had breast cancer, sir." They stood in silence. "We also have his lucky goat's hoof," he said, "and his certificate of achievement from the Gloustershire Annual Cheese Rolling Competition, 2001." The ski lodge suddenly went dark due to the encroaching storm clouds. With a smile, the receptionist held out a Montblanc fountain pen and an entry form to the evening's Fried Bologna sandwich cookoff. "Would sirs like to attend?"
"I have too much facial hair," excused Bob.
"Not if I was the last person alive on Earth," said Dave. "Besides, I'm wearing my tap dance shoes and it's tame dinosaur bathing night."
"Bacon?" A grieving boy wearing argyle socks and Steampunk goggles came over. With one motion from the receptionist the boy was sucked up by a floor buffer.
"Anyway," said Dave, "I'd also like to report that the flagpole outside was knocked down by an enraged lame llama who was fed Haggis made from barn owls."
"Thank you, sir. I will need to change the lawn mower blade on the Star-Bellied-Sneetch machine and call for a terracotta soldier from China, then."
"One question?" asked Bob.
"Yes, sir?"
"Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?"
"Erm..."
"One more question?" asked Bob again.
"Yes, sir?"
"Can I buy a Moon rock here?"
"Where do think you are, sir? Venice?"

2 silly spelling mistakes... (TIW Spring Open Final)

Well, I came 2nd out of 4 writers in the Iron Writer Spring Open 2015...which means I'm not in the Annual Final this year :-(
The judges' feedback was, as usual for me, strange. I was expecting top points in Spelling and Grammar (as you would) but I forgot to use "Spell Check" on my new fangled computer (I didn't know where it was in Hungarian) and 2 really silly spelling mistakes were left in my 500 word story "Uncle Terence" (see below). That lost me many points. Plus the fact 2 of the 3 judges didn't "get" the story - which is a shame. That was quite possibly my last outing in the Iron Writer, though I stay on as a judge...methinks.
So, WITHOUT the spelling mistakes, here is my non-winning story...

(Elements: Venice, Astigmatism, Magma, a Solid Plutonium Halberd)

Uncle Terence

A cool breeze sweeping down the canal stirred Uncle Terence into action, awakening him with a snort. The gondolier continued on as before, propelling us skillfully through the water with each stroke. 

"I say, it's a little chilly this morning." He wrapped his infamous Alpaca scarf tighter around his neck, allowing no room for any mischievous nip.

"Aren't we meant to be at Saint Mark's by eight?" I asked, knowing full well Uncle Terence had no intention of keeping the appointment. He hated anything to do with religion or the church, it reminded him of his own mortality and wicked, selfish life. Myself and the rest of our entourage blamed it on those Franciscan friars from his youth. Uncle Terence pretended to ignore my inquiry and gazed at the buildings we floated by with indifference. I went back to my Marlena de Blasi paperback.

"Ah, Venice. Such an auspicious city, full of wonder, full of history. My family's connection with this glorious place dates back to ancient times. There were Viscounts, Barons and Baronesses in my ancestry, even a hero or two."

"Heroes, uncle?"

"Oh yes, heroes. One I know well, Gerhardt Le Lorraine the third, twenty-second 'nobiluomo' to the Emperor himself." Uncle Terence brushed the gondolier's insolent cough off his Radford jacket.

"When was this, uncle?" Stories of his ancient noble ancestry were synonymous with the greatest of fragrant untruths.

"Oh, long ago, when men were men and women..."

"...were women, uncle?" I giggled at his clichéd manner.

"Quite. Gerhardt Le Lorraine. He slayed the monstrous Beast of Grotta del Cavallone! With his halberd made from solid plutonium forged by the magma of Mount Vesuvius, he boldly stepped into the cave where no man had ever returned alive before!"

"Uncle, how can you forge a solid plutonium halberd with magma?"

"He didn't, of course. It was Hephaestus, God of fire."

"Hephaestus was a Greek god, Uncle. Don't you mean Vulcan?"

"What's in a name? Anyway, it was said that many times Gerhardt thrust that great weapon at the beast. You see, he had blurred vision and was known as "Squinting Jack" by closer acquaintances. An inside joke, perhaps, as some of his earlier responsibilities were akin to those of a valet."

I couldn't keep up with all these connections and tangents. Sometimes Uncle Terence's mind would fly off on such an imaginative journey no one could grasp where he’d been or where he was going.

"He had astigmatism. Runs in the family, as far back as anyone can perceive. We are all blind."

"Well, 'among the blind, the squinter rules'," I replied.

"Quite." We passed under a bridge, making our gondolier duck. Uncle Terence shivered slightly as the bridge’s shadow brushed across his being.

"Wouldn't he die of radiation poisoning, uncle?"

"Excuse me?"

"Plutonium, uncle. You said his halberd was made from solid plutonium."

"Did I? You are quite attentive, my dear," he smiled and settled down once more, taking only but a moment to return to his dreams.

TIW Spring Open Final

Okay, votes are needed over in the Spring Open Final at TIW.
So, please, come on over to the Iron Writer website and check out the 4 stories on offer!
I'm not going to say which is mine, but I'll try and say one sentence for each story, to 'sell' them to you. You'll find the stories here...
http://theironwriter.com/challenge-109/
...but before you go over, check out my one sentence summaries...

Last Call - Dante is having trouble in the pub, getting drunk and then falls 'into darkness' with the ferryman.

Hellfire Eyes - A person who suffers from severe astigmatism for a long time finally has a special operation and can see again.

Uncle Terence - A companion endures a morning in the Venice canals with his strange, rich 'uncle'.

Alone and Forsaken - A 'slightly past her prime' woman with her dog picks up a disturbed hitchhiker on a lonely road and the inevitable ensues.

Guess which one is mine? I bet you can't. Just vote for the one you enjoyed the most :-) Because that's fair.

Over 100 downloads! ...yip yip...

Yippie!
"Dani's Shorts 4" FLEW past the 100 free downloads mark yesterday (well, I say 'flew', I mean 10+ downloads in one day). Now maybe someone will read it and leave a review? Who knows? Sometimes these things happen...
Working on short stories for anthologies at the moment, but those 2 novel ideas are STILL knawing at my fingers, waiting, wondering when they'll come to light. I like it when I get an idea and DO it, not sit on it forever, then have to reread it again and again, trying to find where I got, how far I need to go. What is even more frustrating is that I lost about 4000 words of one somewhere...
Anyway...free ebooks...:-) Take 'em, read 'em, review 'em :-)

https://www.smashwords.com/books/byseries/2766

FREE ebooks...really! No catch!

Sugar, Spice and Everything Nice is also on Amazon now (http://www.amazon.com/Sugar-Spice-Everything-Nice-Collaboration-ebook/dp/B00VXP4M64)...it'll be ready in paperback very soon, though it's

FREE

on Smashwords (https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/533910), so why use Amazon, that big bully...



Dani's Shorts 4 is so close to 100

FREE

downloads now... (https://www.smashwords.com/books/byseries/2766)

And into the Final!

I am now in my...3rd or 4th Iron Writer Open final :-) Finally the judges liked my story enough for me to get through...but it was close.
My effort was called "How the Mighty"...
...and I have already written my entry for the Open Final, ready for Thursday. Who knows? I might get through to the Annual Final!

The elements : Artemis, A Dilettante, Jello Wrestling, A Moon Rock

How the Mighty

Zeus, her father, was at his easel trying to capture the right shade of cloud passing by his window in the Heavenly Deities Nursing Home. His was a large room, comparative with his once-held status as ruler of all Greek Gods and raper of any woman he took a fancy to, including her mother, Leto. She tip-toed over and tapped him on the shoulder.

“Oh, hell, Artemis! You startled me! You could’ve given me a heart attack. If I had a heart, that is.” Zeus put his paint brush down and hugged his daughter. “What brings you here to my humble abode in this retched place?”

“Can’t a daughter visit her father when she wishes?” She sat on the edge of his bed, testing its softness, and then jumped up and down on it to test the springs.

“I guess you can.” Zeus went back to his painting. “Mmm, I’m still not quite happy with the depth of my stratocumulus…”

“Painting again, father?” She patted the small package in her pocket making sure it was still there after jumping.

“Oh, you know. Being kicked off Mount Olympus doesn’t really make your immortality. When you’ve been a god, and a top god at that, where do you go? After a millennia of depression I’ve tried everything. Music, sculpture, painting, dancing, even tiddlywinks, but it seems I’m just an old dilettante, dabbling in a million things but getting nowhere, that initial interest dies…” Zeus put his brush down once more and turned to his daughter. “Hang on. I don’t understand. Why aren’t you shouting your head off at me, or pleading me to help you in some way? Where’s the ‘deus ex machina’, Artemis?”

She giggled and ran over to him, placing the small wrapped package into his hands.

“Happy Birthday, father,” she smiled, as his face beamed in happiness, brightening the room.

“You remembered?” He sat there for a moment in surprise and joy, the light around him

dimming only when his smiled had left. “I didn’t. No one else did, either.”

“But I did. I got you this.”

Zeus struggled with the wrapping until it fell to the floor in pieces.

“It’s a rock.”

“Yes!”

“Does it…does it symbolise anything? Am I a ‘rock’ in your life?”

She shook her head.

“It’s a special rock, father. It comes from the Moon.”

“Oh, thank you.” He threw it up a few times feeling its weight, then placed it on his easel. “I’ll put it with the other three thousand or so I got from Selene and Hecate earlier.”

“Well, to tell the truth, all the shops were closed and seeing as I was passing by the place…”

“Ah, the truth comes out…”

“But I remembered, father. At the last moment, yes, but I remembered!”

“Thank you. So, it’s my birthday! I think I’ll open up Youtube and watch something sleazy…jello wrestling, yes! It reminds me of the good old days, you know, with all those goddesses and mortal women…”

“Father! Please!”

April the 8th! "Sugar, Spice and Everything Nice"

I'm in the TIW Open Round again, the 7th time...but there are no names on the stories...vote if you dare!
http://theironwriter.com/2015-spring-equinox-open-the-jack-kerouac-bracket/

I also have a few things in a children's compilation with The Indie Collaboration, a poem (Reflections) and a story (Tommy Tentacles and Mr Fox...adapted from a story by the late Nanny Shorey and including reference to the new Indiana's "Religious Freedom" Law).
The Indie Collaboration bring out regular compilations to promote their writing. I don't know who has contributed but I'll know soon.
The book will come out on the 8th of April (2015), on Smashwords (free? I think so).
I don't usually do exclusively children stuff, but I thought 'why not'...
I'll post when it's available.
Here's the cover! (the purple might be changed to blue)

7th Amazon.com review! Yay!

Yes, there are people out there reading my NEW book (other than "Dani's Shorts 4" on Smashwords).
Just picked up my 7th great review on Amazon.com (my 9th or 10th I think so far, including Amazon.co.uk, Amazon.com.au and Goodreads).
Here's a link to the book, "How to Build a Castle in Seven Easy Steps", and below is the review...
http://www.amazon.com/Build-Castle-Seven-Easy-Steps-ebook/dp/B00SOZYR6G

4Easily the most dialogue rich fantasy book I've ever encountered. Ever!

By MRJones on April 3, 2015

Format: Paperback

Dani Caile effortlessly conjures for his readers a mayhem-filled Medieval landscape dotted with semi-lucid hags,
farty princesses, crooked officials... Sounds a coin-flip between fiction and NON fiction, doesn't it? As a rule,
fantasy books are abundant in imagery and not much else (too often, characters laugh for no reason because 
some author THINKS he's told a joke but can't quite get his pen around the funny). HOW TO BUILD A CASTLE 
IN SEVEN EASY STEPS is different in the best possible way. It is the first book in [my] recallable memory in 
which the characters talk and relate to one another without the interplay between them feeling forced.
If you've not yet read it, please do. You won't be sorry.

The Amazon.com BULLY...closing my account???

I published "Dani's Shorts 4" on Amazon Kindle for 99c (it's available on Smashwords for FREE https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/529075) about a week ago. No one buys a copy from there, but whatever.
In the past week, I have received 4 emails from Amazon KDP telling me that they suspect "Dani's Shorts 4" is not my work (???!!). They say that if I believe it IS, then I should click the button agreeing so...I did that 3 times.
This last email, however, seemed more serious. Actually, it was the same as the last 3 but maybe I realised the implications of what they were saying. If THEY believe it is NOT my work (and they haven't once shown me any evidence of this), they will block this book. They will then block all of my other books on Amazon Kindle, and close my Amazon account.

On their side, there are a few 'collaborations' in "Dani's Shorts 4" with Mathew W. Weaver
(http://ramblingsandraving.blogspot.hu), Christopher A Liccardi (http://www.caliccardi.com) with
Jordan Bell (http://jbfiction.blogspot.hu/). They are, however, a tiny fraction of the whole, perhaps 5 or 6 of the 150+ pieces (if you want to count them, download it from Smashwords) and they have already given me consent to publish them. When they get an Amazon account, I will add their names to the book.

In fact, as of yesterday, they have ALREADY blocked "Dani's Shorts 4" on Amazon Kindle and are threatening to block the rest, including my first 4 novels and the other 3 collections of "Dani's Shorts" which I do actually sell...about 1 copy a month but hey!, I wrote those, I slaved over my computer and poured out words, killed my brain, destroyed my posture...

I wrote them a 'human' email, but all I got back was the same email yet again, warning me of what will happen.

Do I resubmit "Dani's Shorts 4" in the hope that they see sense or a different view?

Do I sit back and watch my whole cumulation of work disappear from Amazon Kindle, regardless of any evidence given/taken, without trial or judgement (other than theirs)?

Do I let the Amazon.com Bully tell me that I didn't write my own work?

Wasn't it me who wrote all that stuff? Well, they're trying to tell me I didn't...I'm confused...

What do you think?

Dani's Shorts 4 FREE!

'Dani's Shorts 4' is now available on Smashwords! For FREE, of course.
If you'd like a paperback, it's on Amazon but then you have to pay...Amazon Kindle is giving me some crap about it being free elsewhere...yep...lol
The last 6 months of my takes on TIW challenges, plus a few pieces from Scallywag and Spanky Strawberry Slokovich...plus a few other TIW writers :-)
You should go check it out, there are some gems in there, hidden messages, hamburgers, and maybe even some fries!
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/529075

6th review of "How to" :-)

I think this guy understands...I was thinking the other day, there are thousands of self-pub writers and small indie writers like me out there, but not many of them write something 'special'...maybe I'm one of them. I don't write clones, I'm not any old sci-fi / fantasy / zombie / thriller / erotica...whatever writer, there's something else about it...I remember an old mate said about my first "Man by a tree"...he said "Good book, but I keep getting the feeling I'm missing out on something bigger, something hidden, something you're not telling me, secrets..."
Damn right :-)
Thanks, John Crowder for the great little review :-)

5.0 out of 5 stars How To Build a Castle In Seven Easy Steps is twisted and bizarre and hilarious, March 15, 2015

By 

John S Crowder - See all my reviews

This review is from: How to Build a Castle in Seven Easy Steps (Paperback)

How To Build a Castle In Seven Easy Steps is twisted and bizarre and hilarious, the type of book that is experienced rather than simply read. And who can dislike a book that has cannibals in it? I feel like I've stumbled upon something special in finding Mr. Caile's work and I look forward to reading more. Highly recommended.

Another Great "How to" Review!

Another great review from yet another TIW writer, this time Laura Roberts, erotica writer extraordinaire! Her blog is over here at Buttontapper Press.

And now to the review .-)
http://www.amazon.com/Build-Castle-Seven-Easy-Steps-ebook/dp/B00SOZYR6G

...which is also copied here :-)

4.0 out of 5 stars Medieval mayhem, mastication and mirth March 12, 2015

by Laura Roberts

Format:Kindle Edition

As a cat lover, I was perhaps more inclined to follow the cat, though exciting adventures hooted and hollered from other directions. Witches and monsters and invading armies, oh my! On the other hand, why follow the cat when you can find out how to build your very own castle? You see? Dilemmas at every turn!

It seems most of Caile's characters are quite obsessed with soup -- finding it, eating it, the cat slurping some out of your bowl -- and, as per the book's description, someone is actually turned into soup (yikes!), so perhaps their soup obsession is right and proper, given such nefarious soup-related activity. In any case, definitely beware officials bearing parchment -- no good can come of it.

Wandering hags on the other hand... well, it's a toss-up!

Grab yourself a jar of something that'll addle your brain and enjoy this medieval comedy over the next fortnight or two.

Interview and story with 'Spanky Strawberry Slokovich :-)

I'd like to welcome Spanky Strawberry Slokovich, winner of the "Escribe de' Trois" challenge over at TIW. Spanky, hello.
"Whoopie fishie fishie."
Yes. Now, please tell us how you wrote this fine story of yours.
"Spinky winky fank dank."
Right. Thank you, Spanky...
A nice profile picture...

And to round this off, here's Spanky's story...

"Escribe de'Trois" Challenge – Up in the Trees

(a tree stand, star dust, edible underwear)

by Spanky Strawberry Slokovich

Gark the bear settled himself down in the undergrowth under the star-filled sky, munching on some berries he’d picked up earlier and watched his weekly hunter entertainment. Dave, tall and lanky, was over in the tree on the left, while Bob, a fat ball of a man, on a tree to the right. They both sat there in their state-of-the-art-the-best-money-can-buy tree stands some twenty feet up, their guns loaded and ready as they scanned the forest for movement. Not a soul was about. They’d already been up there half the night and looked about ready to quit.

“What does it all mean, Bob?” asked Dave, lowering his gun and staring up at the stars.

“‘It’s a pronoun, Dave,” replied his overly-chubby partner.

“No, Bob, ‘it’, the ultimate question.”

“Oh.”

“Looking up at that sky, it makes me feel…insignificant, you know.”

“You are insignificant, Dave.”

“Shut up, Bob.”

“Right.”

“No, I mean, I feel like we’re all just ‘cosmic dust’ in the universe.”

“Oh yeah, right. Deep, Dave, real deep. Like star dust, you mean?”

“Stardust? That was a shit movie.”

 “Come on, Dave. Any film with Michelle Pfeiffer in it is worth a look.”

“Good point.”

Gark scratched himself and accidentally snapped a twig. Both hunters aimed their guns out into the forest below, searching, but finding nothing. He heard Dave’s stomach growl louder than his Aunt Nellie’s.

“So, what have you got, Bob?”

“Eh?”

“The food, the food. What have you got?”

“Erm…nothing?”

“What? But it was your turn to bring the food!”

Dave’s shouting upset an animal some distance away, causing it to flutter and squawk away into the night.

“Shhh, we’re not gonna shoot anything if you shout like that.”

“Are you telling me that you didn’t bring ANYTHING?”

“Erm, well, I do have something.”

“Great. I thought we were done for. What have you got?”

“You won’t like it.”

“You didn’t bring dry roasted peanuts again, did you? You know I hate them.”

“No, not that.”

“Well?”

“Erm, well...”

“Yes?”

“Well, you know, I hadn’t actually planned on being here with you tonight.”

“Yeah, I know. You had that date with Maisy, the bird at the diner. But she had to change shifts at short notice. Sad.”

“Yep.”

Gark looked on as Bob sat in silence and Dave came to some hideous realisation, one he truly didn’t like.

“No.”

“What?”

“No, Bob, don’t tell me.”

“Come on, at least it’s something.”

“I am NOT going to eat them!”

“Very nutritional, you know, edible underwear.”

“Oh, come on!”

Bob had already reached into his camouflage trousers and ripped off a large chunk of candy-tasting pink boxers. Dave’s stomach roared once more, one Gark would have been proud of.

“Oh, go on, then. Throw me over a bit.”

“What would you prefer? Front or back?”

Gark choked on his berries, only to lift his head to find two barrels aimed straight at him. Ever heard the joke of the bear crapping in the woods? No rabbit this time.

2 new FANTASTIC REVIEWS for "How to" ! :-)

Yes, they're starting to come in, those lovely reviews of people who were so kind to read my stuff :-)

The first new review is on Amazon.co.uk...from a regular reader of mine!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Build-Castle-Seven-Easy-Steps-ebook/dp/B00SOZYR6G

5.0 out of 5 stars Well written tale. with lots of dialogue to paint ... 4 Mar. 2015

By Frank Clark

Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase

Well written tale. with lots of dialogue to paint a picture of utter chaos in a time before history began when man was obsessed with food and land.
Look out for the "Dani Speciality" twist at the end.

And the second is from the goddess Danielle Lee Zwissler (bow to her immenseness!) Not only did she do the kindness to read and review my book, but she also put me on her blog for the day! 

http://danielleleezwissler.blogspot.hu

Oh, here's the review...

http://www.amazon.com/Build-Castle-Seven-Easy-Steps-ebook/dp/B00SOZYR6G

5.0 out of 5 stars Hide yo cat, Hide yo soup! Give this book 5 Stars! March 4, 2015

By Author Danielle Lee Zwissler of THE LONG RIDE HOME

Format:Kindle Edition

This is one of those "laugh out loud" and "look around the corner" type books. Dani Caile, with his satirical humor, his way with words--and--soup, bring you "How to Build a Castle in Seven Easy Steps." This book has everything you need from Cats, to Soup, to Sorcery, to...well, you're just going to have to read it to get the gist of this review.

And you will be glad you did.

Check it out, but only after you hide the cat, and get rid of any medium to large sauce pan. :)

If you haven't got yourself a copy, then now's the time!

3rd review for "How to"! :-)

Yes! Another great review of "How to Build a Castle in Seven Easy Steps"!
See it here..
http://www.amazon.com/Build-Castle-Seven-Easy-Steps/dp/1940938430
Or read it here and then take a look later :-)

Hold onto your hat!

By Kiw1 on March 1, 2015

Format: Kindle Edition

Whew! This is a roller-coaster ride of full-on wise-cracks, injustices and cynicism that tumbles the imagination and batters the senses. And then there’s soup, witches, cannibalism, soup, battles, a cat, soup and various mad humans … one of whom just may be DaSoul, the Chosen One (it helps). Hold onto your hat when you delve into this world. Otherwise you may be the flavouring in one of those delicious soups…oh, and it's well written!

My take on TIW 103

Caught up with all the TIW challenges. Here's my 500 word take of Challenge 103...an interesting one...

The Elements: Iron Handcuffs, Barn owls, a light bulb salesperson, a Bumper sticker

Unsatisfied

How is it that straw can always find a way under your clothes and scratch you to death?
"It's a jeep. If I wanted a Hummer, I'd call your sister." He threw my ripped off bumper sticker at me.
"Hey! That wasn't cheap! $1.99 at the drive-through!"
"You were robbed."
I was assaulted. Driving down Highway 10 past Phoenix, I noticed this pick-up on my tail. I thought nothing of it until it rammed me and pushed my car off the road and into a ditch. Before I could recover, a fist came through my window and that was that. Now I'm lying in some farm building, dead of night, trousers missing, tied to a strut on a chain with iron handcuffs, with only a couple of hooting barn owls and a crazy to keep me company.
"You think you can disrespect my sister like that, you got another thing coming!" It wasn't his loud manner that was disturbing, it was the shotgun under his arm.
"It's only a bumper sticker! Hell, you knocked me off the road for that? Unchain me right now!"
"You're in no position to order anyone around! Shut your mouth or I'll shut it for you!"
He paced up and down, glancing at me and toying with his gun.
"Look, guy, I'm a nobody. If it's money you want, I've got some in my..." He'd taken my jacket.
"Yes, I know. I've got all your stuff."
"Then...what? What is this all about?"
"Don't go playing the fool with me!" It isn't the weapon that hurts you, it's the person holding it. A gun butt hurts when placed forcefully against your head. Took me a while to get up from that one.
"So...it's not money, you've got my money. It's the bumper sticker? Seriously?"
"No, of course not! But it shows your shallow mentality!"
"Do...do I know you?" I would have recognised this monster of a man with a gun under his arm if I'd seen him before.
"No. But I know someone you've met."
Met? I'm a light bulb salesperson. I meet a lot of people, sometimes in dark rooms.
"Who? Who do I know?"
"My mother!"
Crap. I'd done a few dodgy deals with some old ladies in the past week. Even sold a tonload of LEDs to an old girl down in Ajo. About $200 worth. What she was going to do with them, I had no idea. Perhaps make a disco ball from all her chandaliers. Nice town.
"Really?"
"Yes, really. Does Mavis Henkell ring a bell?"
"Err..." That was the one. Damn. He threw a large opened cardboard box in front of me and aimed his gun.
"Remember her now?"
"Err...yes, yes, I do. I'll reimburse her, I promise. I'll give back double she paid...really, really, I will. I'm sorry..."
"What? Reimburse! No, you dumbass! You gave her the wrong box! She wanted pink and purple lights, not blue and green!"
He locked and loaded.

Escribe de’Trois Challenge

Escribe de’Trois Challenge - mmm, yes, I'm in this.
There was a grudge match set up on TIW, where 3 teams of 3 writers battled it out...well, when the date finally came, only 4 of those writers wrote a story with the 3 set elements. And then each writer chose a 'pen name'...I can't tell you which one I am but if you've read enough of me, I'm sure you can spot which one it is :-)
Please go and vote for the one which makes you laugh :-)

http://theironwriter.com/escribe-detrois-challenge/

#livestory over in Twitter

I'm trying something out on Twitter with another writer, A. Francis Raymond (see blog here).
We're writing a story. Who knows where it'll go? Who knows how long it'll be? We don't.
We just write a little within the confines of a tweet (140 characters including @AFrancisRaymond or whoever and #livestory #amwriting - which gives me about 100). Sometimes we do 3 or 4 tweets a day, sometimes 1.
It's a Sci-fi. Here's what we have so far.


    I counted 12 stars. Yesterday, there were only 11. I checked my goggles, maybe some sand had broken the seal during the storm. No sand, no breaks. And twelve more hours before the comm sat was overhead again and I could get a message back to base.
     Checking and rechecking didn't change that there were now 12. The implications were too vast...
     The Trollers move had begun. This was only the 1st star of a billion to be moved from their galaxy to ours. Slowly at first, they said, the first of many trials... and then the real 'invasion' would begin.
     I couldn't think about that now. The task at hand was to pack up and get back to base. With three hours to go before the next storm, the chances of getting back were slim. They weren't expecting me back, either. And I wasn't certain the shuttle left to me would get off the ground.
     There was, of course, always the beacon. No one had used it yet. I'd read the manual but it was only supposed to be used if my life was in danger. Which is wasn't. I just wanted out.
     The choice. Use the beacon and be court-martialed or die trying to get back to base in the storm. What was that my mother used to say?
     "Always wear clean underwear." No, not that one. Underwear was the least of my problems.
     I would ask her when I got back. So yeah, I flipped up the beacon's outer control panel and hit the power on. Damn the High Commission, damn Officer Trappet and his shiny blue buttons. This information needed to be delivered from my outpost on our galaxy's far edge.
     The beacon's light flashed indicating success. All I could do was sit back and wait. There was nothing more to do than look on and wonder at what the night sky would look like from any corner of the galaxy before long. A few moments later the comm came to life with an automated message.

"Control 472 Sector 7, Base has been notified of emergency status. Rescue and return drone on approaching your location. Do you need medical assistance?"

Medical assistance? How was I to reply? Perhaps these messages were salvaged from a defunct system.I pressed the button to acknowledge the message with no response. The only thing left to do was...wait. The small screen above my comm system flickered to life. I'd never seen the thing work. A pixelated face appeared. Only half the data bits were getting through, but I still recognized the face as that jackass Dilby. A couple of ranks higher up the ladder and he thought he owned the solar system.An annoyance not helped by the fact that he did indeed own 7 of the 12 planets and a handful of moons.

"472, our sensors indicate that other than a little cholesterol and 3lbs overweight, you are inno medical danger. Are there outside threats?"

 "Yes," I responded, providing no details. They would have todelve a bit deeper than that. Besides, I wanted that drone to go past the halfway point, about      the time I'd have my stuff packed up. Dilby's pixelated face snorted.

"Fine, when you get back we'll debrief you of all necessary information. 2 seconds left on this message. See you...” The screen image broke up for a brief moment. The last word I heard before Dilby's face disappeared was "forget."

I looked up at the cluster of stars in the sky once more before putting away my essentials. Yes, I was looking forward to getting off this rock earlier than planned. And I knew what I'd say to Meesha, if she would allow me to get a word in before her usual gush of greetings from being away for so many years. Even though I knew she'd forgive me I'd say "I'm sorry. I know where I went wrong." Sitting in this damn box of an outpost for one. But the offer was too good to miss.

In hindsight, I should have stayed my post on Comm Ops 5. I could have asked her to marry me there. We could have been living the family life. In poverty with the majority of the State's citizens but at least life would be simple. None of this thankless work monitoring dead outposts watching for signs of Trollers.

Contrary to belief, there are no sounds in space, but the clang of metal against metal rang clearly through the thin atmosphere surrounding my outpost. I put on my helmet and opened the small window portal. It was a common occurrence that small metallic crystals from the nearby orbiting rings magnetised some electronic components in my gear, which is why they were shielded so well. This was different. This was too big to be a crystal. Was it the drone? Surely it was too early, too soon. I switched on the outside light. What I saw was five times the size of the drone I was expecting. Landing lights reflected on the roof of my boxlike outpost. Drones had no need for landing lights. There were no markings I...

"How to" review on Goodreads!

Now here's a reader who knows what he's talking about! He got it!
...Hey! Only 4 stars! I heard 4 is the new 5...

"How to Build a Castle in 7 easy steps"

Tiaan Lubbe rated it 4 of 5 stars
 

Imaginitive and hilliarious! Which is a very hard combination to master. I think Caile has done exactly so. The best thing for me is how haunting it was at the same time. Cannibals and sarcastic cats! What more could you want? I recommend it with a smile! 

 

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/24913251-how-to-build-a-castle-in-seven-easy-steps

 

You can get it here...

 

http://www.amazon.com/Build-Castle-Seven-Easy-Steps/dp/1940938430

 

 

In the Hunts Post! Way-hey!

My new book got an article in the Hunts Post, my local paper back in Huntingdon, UK. It goes from door to door in all the villages and towns and cities, 100,000s of people...maybe one of them will see it and think "Mmm, I might have a look at that..."
This is a BIG break for me! Thanks to Lauren Nash at the Hunts Post! :-)