Saturday, December 28, 2013

The end of another year...goodbye 2013 :-)

It's been a long year. So many things happened there's absolutely no way I could even begin to describe them. But the way self-publishers 'use' Amazon, that's truly disgraceful.
And now a new year is about to begin. What will it have in store for you, for me, for anyone?
For myself, 2 new books will come out in about 3 months, 'Dani's Shorts 2', a continuation of 500 and 200 word Iron Writer stories, and 'How to' - will I ever finish it??? Sorting out the last 25% now, hopefully will have that 1st draft soon and add things, edit, etc.
Having fun with The Iron Writer, though. I'm in the Winter Open (3 out of 3!). I'll post about voting :-) You can be sure of that!

Friday, December 27, 2013

Brad Shaw's 12 Days of Christmas (whole story)

12 Days of Christmas (Weekend Quickie Special)

Part 1

(image - man jumping across train carriages, element - partridge in a pear tree, emotion - infinite possibility)

"Quick! Get him, before it's too late!"
Brad saw the attacker escaping from the carriage, holding a partridge?
"Are you okay?"
The attacker's victim brushed himself off.
"Don't worry about me! Worry about him! Him!"
"If he finds a pear tree, we're all doomed!"
Brad showed the man his badge.
"Detective Brad Shaw. What is going on?"
"Infinite possibilities are within his grasp!"
The train rocked as another passed by.
"I don't understand."
"He stole the Device, and the partridge! He must be stopped!"
There was a scream and Brad ran into the next carriage. He saw the attacker leaving by a side window. A woman was standing there in a state of shock. Looking out, Brad saw a maintenance ladder which led up to the roof. In spite of himself, Brad followed, to see the man leaping from this carriage to the next. Once up on the roof, Brad noticed they were travelling through a large orchard…of pear trees.
"What is going on?"
He watched as the man, still holding the partridge, jumped from the train towards a pear tree. A strange portal opened up and the man disappeared. In a flash Brad jumped through the same portal.

Part 2

(image - woman blowing dust from her hands, element 1 - magic beans, element 2 - two turtle doves)

The first thing Brad saw was a woman. A nice looking woman, but she was covered in dust.
"Who are you, eh?"
"I...I've just come through some kind of wormhole."
She stared at Brad and shook her head.
"Next you'll be goin' on about magic beans and giants! Who the hell are you?"
The woman cleaned her jacket, bashing debris off herself and blowing dust from her hands.
"You'll be paying for that damage. You an' that other guy."
"Other guy?"
Brad got up and saw he was in an outhouse, now with a huge hole in the wall, in some country backyard.
"Where am I?"
"You're on my land, that's what!"
A loud fat man came into view, holding a shotgun.
"Detective Brad Shaw." He showed his badge. "I'm...I'm following a man."
"What, 'im? Oi! 'E's got two of my turtle doves!"
"Turtle doves?"
Brad saw the same man who'd jumped off the train leap over a large fence.
"My priced turtle doves! You! You're gonna pay for them!"
"Sure. But first I have to catch that man. Excuse me."
What was going on? Two turtle doves? A partridge? Did this man have something against birds? Brad gave chase.

Part 3

(image - old bottle with sample tag, emotion - anticipation, element - three french hens)

Brad ignored the shouts from behind and followed the strange man over fences, gates, fields and outdoor toilets. He finally got within earshot.
He showed his badge once again but the man shrugged it off.
"No one can stop me."
The man grabbed three chickens from another yard.
"What are you doing? Why are you taking these birds?"
"Leave before I begin to care about your existence!"
"Are you making a bird stew?"
"A partridge in a pear tree, two turtle doves and three french hens! Can't you see the plumage? Lovely plumage..."
"Are you collecting for a school Christmas performance or what?"
The man took out an old bottle with a sample tag and held it to Brad.
"With this pus from her ganglion cyst which she saved in this here bottle, I will bring her back to life! Muhahaha!"
"Who? With pus?"
"Not just pus! With this device and the twelve elements of Babarossa from the ancient incantation of Babylon, she will once again be mine! I am in excited anticipation of her glorious return!"
The man hit a button on the device and disappeared through another portal. Brad had no other plans for the day.

Part 4

(image - old man and woman sitting at an upright piano, emotion - euphoria, element  - four colly birds)

He was lost with no sign of the man. If this followed the twelve days of Christmas, then four calling birds were next. Walking down an almost empty street full of terrace houses, he heard a piano playing. The sound was coming from a house with an open door. Whoever it was, they were playing that same song! Was this…? It had to be him! Brad ran into the house and there he was, playing an upright as bold as brass.
"I'm arresting you for the theft of…!"
"You know, we used to sit together playing the old upright piano...ah, it was euphoria to hear her play Rachmaninoff."
The man had four blackbirds in a cage next to him on the stool.
"I thought it was meant to be calling birds?"
"Four 'Colly' birds, blackbirds. Common mistake."
"You learn something every day. Now, you're under arrest for…"
The man turned and fired his device at Brad. Apparently it doubled as a weapon. He went down like a ton of bricks. As Brad lost consciousness on the carpet, he noticed the man continuously pressing a button on his device and swearing. The last thing Brad saw was the man running out.

Part 5

(image - woman pushing a trolley/pram with twin boys and a christmas tree inside, emotion - an irresistible urge to disco, element  - five gold rings)

"Are you alright, dear?"
Brad woke up to a cup of tea.
He sat up and took the drink. The old woman offered a plateful of biscuits.
"Are there any jewellers in the area?"
"Jewellers? Why yes, in the town centre. I took my pearl necklace there some months ago. Lovely man."
Feeling better for the tea, Brad said goodbye and once outside instantly tripped over a trolley filled with twin boys and a christmas tree. Other than the swearing from the mother, he heard a distant alarm. The jewellers. Reaching a pedestrianised square, he saw the place, with its alarm screaming above the door. The owner was there, doing the giddy-down and looking bemused and exhausted.
"Detective Shaw." Brad showed his badge. "What happened?"
"I was robbed by a guy who zapped me with a strange raygun. I now have an irresistible urge to disco."
The man changed to a bunny slope.
"He took five rings, right?"
"How did you know? Five gold rings. He could've taken it all."
Retro hustle.
Which way did he go?"
"That way."
Brad had to stop this before it went too far. He knocked the man out and ran after his prey.

Part 6

(image - ginat hand picking up a car from a carpark, element 1 - Six Geese a Laying, who will only lay to the sound of ABBA, element 2 - Uncle Boom-Boom, your mother’s sister’s second husband)

The street led out to a riverbank frequented by OAPs on benches. A few of them looked shocked.
"Excuse have you...?"
They all pointed downriver, and Brad saw the man some distance ahead.
"You! Stop! Stop this nonsense now!"
The man turned to him and laughed. This was not the same man he saw playing the piano. Yes, he looked the same, but something had changed, something inside.
"Who's going to stop me? You and your Uncle Boom-Boom, your mother’s sister’s second husband? Muhahaha!"
The man was completely crazy!
Brad tried to grab him but he moved too fast. The crazy man hit something on his device and the man's hands grew to an immense size. Ignoring Brad's attempts at stopping him, he picked out six geese who were brooding on eggs in the reeds.
"I will take six geese and they will lay!"
He now danced a strange jig along the riverbank, while holding all six geese in one hand.
"Six geese a laying! Six geese a laying only to the sounds of ABBA!"
Before Brad could think, the man picked up a car from a nearby fisherman's carpark with his other enormous hand and threw it at him.

Part 7

(image - caravans in a 'spend the night party', emotion - a numinous feeling, element  - seven swans a swimming)

The man threw like a girl. The car rolled into a nearby caravan park. A sign said 'Spend the Night Party 8pm start'. There'd be a few less tonight with the wreakage spread across the lot.
"Swans, swans, glorious swans!"
More buttons pressed, more insanity. The river rose like a large water snake, writhing in the air. Seven swams were on its surface. They tried to fly away but seemed stuck by some unseen force.
"Seven swans a swimming! Haha!"
Brad didn't see it coming. The river swayed behind and caught him in its wake and the force that held the swans also held Brad. Upside down. It didn't take long to start drowning. He panicked, his lungs emptied and he was helpless, all alone. A curious peace came over him, a numinous feeling, a feeling you get when you entered a church. Was this the afterlife? Was he dead?
A tree hit his head and somehow the force that held him disappeared and he dropped through the branches and leaves and fell onto the ground.
Rubbing his head, Brad knew a direct approach was not on the cards any longer. But he had to keep going, no matter what.

Part 8

(image - Santas wearing beards in a Santa school, emotion - Psithurism, element  - eight maids-a-milking)

When he'd got to his feet, he was alone. All he could hear was the sound of the wind in the trees, the rustling of the leaves. Psithurism. Funny how certain words stuck in your head during literature classes. Brad enjoyed the brief moment until a cow broke the spell with a moo. Of course, eight maids-a-milking! There were farm buildings some distance away, and Brad got to them as fast as possible, only to be surprised by the sight he saw when entering a barn. Eight Asian girls with white beards sitting on stools and milking cows.
"What the...?"
Brad spotted the man in the back of the barn and hid in the shadows.
"Help, please! We au pairs. We from down woad, we help out Santa school. He take us and we milk cow."
Maids were far and few between nowadays. He had to give it to the man, au pairs were a sensible choice. Now, how to stop...too late, the crazy man had already opened another portal and the au pairs and cows were being sucked in. Oh, for a few moments to think! Brad grabbed hold of the last cow's tail and was taken through.

Part 9

(image - lightning strikes on Bay Bridge, San Francisco, emotion - exhiliration, element  - eight ladies dancing)

Lightning struck the bridge across the bay. Where was he? When following the man through the portal there was no way of knowing where he'd find himself. San Francisco? Did he catch a glimpse of the Golden Gate far off to the north?
"Ha ha! I feel the exhilaration of victory! Soon she will be mine again!"
The madman was oblivious to the world, with his huge hands helping him leapfrog along the bridge and leaving Brad behind.
Brad kept to a steady jog and followed the long line of stunned pedestrians and motorists he found. Resting to catch his breath, he saw men being thrown out of a nightclub. That must be it. As he opened the doors, screams filled the place. There was chaos inside as people scambled to escape. In the centre of the dancefloor, his man was surrounded by a group of dancing woman. Nine ladies dancing. Time was running out. What was it the first man said? 'We're all doomed, infinite possibilities are within his grasp'. What did that mean? Why were we all doomed if this man succeeded? A portal opened up again, and the dancefloor was empty. Brad jumped into the closing dimension.

Part 10

(image - night sky with stars and a church, emotion - wonder inspired by a miracle, element  - ten lords a leaping)

He lay on the heath under the night sky among the stars and near an abandoned church, now only a remnant of what it once was. To his right was a mansion, with its windows lit up by the party inside. He didn't need to count how many lords there were, he already knew. Ten lords a leaping, jumping across the long table in the lavish dining room, singing and drinking to the music inside. The crazy man was with them, dancing and laughing, so close to his goal. Brad turned back to the stars.
What was the point? In only hours, Brad's sense of reality, right and wrong, had been blown out of all proportion. Was he doing the right thing? Did he care anymore? With all the insanity he'd seen and experienced, was it worth continuing on with this wild goose chase, literally, or any other come to think of it? As he gazed on looking up at the sky, three green shooting stars swooped by. For a moment, it was like he had been inspired by a miracle, the wonder of the universe, in all its entirety and infinite possibilities. He knew what he had to do.

Part 11

(image - girl and boy kneeling in front of Christmas fireplace, emotion - joy and anticipation, element  - eleven pipers piping)

The front door was wide open and the music spread out into the darkness. Brad ran inside, not wishing to miss the next move. On entering the dining room, he saw the lords a leaping, and also the source of the music. Bagpipes, eleven pipers piping.
Brad hid behind a chair as the crazy man danced on the table.
"Soon! Soon, I will see her again!"
Yet more of his ramblings!
"Oh, Daphne! To hear your voice once more, to play as we once played together!"
The crazy man stopped dancing and his attention was taken by the great fireplace covered in Christmas decorations and stockings.
"We used to kneel by the fire in joy and anticipation of the morning to come, our Christmas morning. The presents, the chestnuts! Oh, I miss you so, my dear darling sister!"
This man was doing all this for his sister? They must've had a strong bond, Brad guessed. Through instinct, he thought about taking the man by force though stopped when he saw the hands. He knew what he should do.
But once again, the man pressed more buttons on that damn device and a portal appeared. Brad had only one chance left.

Part 12

(image - people in church at the Midnight Mass, emotion - the peace that passeth all understanding, element  - twelve drummers drumming)

It was all there at the Midnight Mass, the partridge in a pear tree, the doves, hens, lords, maids, everything and everyone. The church was full of people. The final piece to the puzzle, twelve drummers drumming, a group of children from the local school, were making one hell of a racket performing. The crazy man with huge hands was standing nearby, watching a light in front of him grow larger and larger. The image of a woman appeared and was beginning to solidify.
Then it happened. The roof disappeared, the sky opened up, lightning struck, thunder, torrential rain, snow, fish, locusts, cats and dogs. People screamed and ran. Brad was reminded of the premonition of doom.
Brad acted quickly. He jumped in amongst the twelve children, found a pair of bongos and sat down. Anyone can play the bongos. Brad caught onto the rhythm and was playing along with them in seconds.
"Oh, my darling, my lov...what! What is this?"
The woman faded, the skies cleared, snow fell. The clock struck midnight.
The man saw Brad.
"You! I'll...!"
Brad felt the peace that passeth all understanding as the man strangled him.
"And a Merry Christmas to you, too."

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

New book update

Looks like 'Dani's Shorts 2' will be completed before 'How to'...(only challenges 45-52 to go (plus weekend quickies) - 8 weeks)
Have 2/3 of the new book draft done, but it's taking a long time because I don't have much time to write nowadays. Plus this book is different to the others, it doesn't involve the characters from before, a whole new 'world' of ancient characters and new references from classics.
After the draft, I'll edit it, add more description, make sure characters 'keep' in character, then I'll ask a few people to read it, and THEN re-edit and publish. I'm working on it, as well as I can, and WILL complete it...some day...oh, yes I will :-)

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Won Grudge Match 3 and into the Winter Open!

It was a quiet but tough little fight. I won because I also got 2 judge votes :-)
But the other stories were great!

Now that means I'm also in the Winter Open facing Michael (again) and the dreaded KA DaVur!
I'll be there for the ride, I think...but I think I'm the only Iron Writer who has been in all 3 Opens so far.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Publishers are getting it wrong!

Read the beginning of a paperback a friend passed to me for my child. It's complete poison, I would never allow my children to read such garbage. The writer is meant to be a great children's writer too...
This is where publishers are getting it wrong, finding writers who keep to their own expectations (in this case Harper Collins 'Christian' values), and giving them 'forever' contracts to churn out book after book of complete shit while others such as myself who are trying to break barriers are dying in the wilderness! THis 'writer' has over 100 published books, including 'War Horse' which has almost 400 5 star reviews...all I can guess is that there's a POV in there of a humanistic horse - yep, that's exactly what it is...unbelievable...ANIMALS DON'T THINK LIKE HUMANS! In fact, humans think like animals - catch my latest book when I finish it.

Here's my 1 star review of 'Sparrow: The Story of Joan of Arc' by Michael Morpurgo

I was given a copy of this for my child as it is said that this writer is a good children's writer. This book is tripe. Chapter 1 is written in a POV of a young girl who is so unrealistic it's unbelievable, Chapter 2 is written in a humanistic bird POV - animals don't think like humans, wake up, Chapter 3 is written in the POV of a young Joan of Arc who feels like she's British living in France hating the British and talking to Chapter 2's humanistic bird...I lost it there.
It can be seen that this writer has a good team behind him: publisher, editor, proofreader, but this book is complete garbage. While searching for this book on Amazon to write this review, I saw that this book is from a long line of 'animal/young child' books...I am glad I read it before passing this poison to my child.

Monday, December 9, 2013


Changed my December WEBook entry into One POV...I'll still have to work on that, there's a strange bit about 'kicking' in there....(here it is)
Just saw a nice picture about comparing the synopsis of Harry Potter and Star people are only just realising? (here it is). And what about Star Wars and Lord of the Rings? I'll have a look at that later.

Volunteering...I used to belong to a 'voluntary' organisation, where the 'master' said that doing so created 'better people'...but...doing things you like to do doesn't bring change, it only boosts your ego, so beware of the volunteer, they will only go deeper into themselves. Doing things you don't like to do, however, will bring change, as it breaks your barriers/boundaries and allows you the opportunity to grow. Embrace those who are reluctant to volunteer, or better yet, ask for volunteers BEFORE setting the task - those ones clean the toilets :-) (hehe)

The deeper picture...

Yes, my books are entertaining, whimsical, a little nuts, but they also have a deeper thing going on...just wanted to say.
The 1st, Man by a tree, works on self-sacrifice, unwilling at first - nothing worse than a volunteer who wants to volunteer - who learns from that?
The 2nd, Bethlehem Fiasco, works on martyrdom - again, nothing worse than someone who wants to become one.
The 3rd, Rage, works on complete destruction - start again, you never know, it might be good the next time...
The 4th, Manna-X, works on insanity - if you can't beat the system, leave it.
The 5th, How to..., well, you'll see, still finishing off the skeleton :-)
So, there you go, not just cliches, references to classics and 1000 year-old jokes :-)

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Posty posty post post

Haven't been here for a few days - it takes more clicks to get here seeing as Google changed my setup and I can't work out how to change it back. Maybe I will do that Wordpress blog - if I can decide what template, etc,etc.
I put an excerpt from 'Bethlehem Fiasco' on WEBook for the December It's revamped to only one POV.
I judged on Grudge Match 2 (Challenge 40) and the one I voted for won (so I must be doing something right.)
I'll also be in Grudge 3 as a contestant. It'll be anonymous, but I'm sure you'll be able to spot which of the 4 stories is mine :-)
Waiting for the winners of the November WEBook never know, it would be nice to have an iPad Mini.
And I 'won' NaNoWrimo this year (2013)....BUT Createspace only give TWO free paperback copies rather than 5, as in the years before.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

How to make money in the self-publishing business for FREE

Yes! Once and for all...'How to make money in the self-publishing business'...(great, huh?)
Well, here we go...are you ready?
Rule 1: Be unethical
Rule 2: Always smile
Rule 3: Believe in your own writing 110%
....and that's it!
Of course, I do none of these. But if YOU follow these 3 simple rules, you can become successful in the self-publishing business!
(As you can see, I still have my 'hate' head on :-)~)

Saturday, November 30, 2013

November 2013 VERSION 2.. what happened...

Version 2 - 1st version was too much 'poor me'...
Not much. After a crazy September of over 1000 downloads and a few sales, in November someone kindly bought a paperback copy of 'Manna-X' and also 'Dani's Shorts'. I have some nice feedback on the beginning of my new book 'How to', but I still haven't finished the skeleton yet. A little more, then I'll add description, senses, edits.

Got some 'LIKES' on my new facebook page, though :-) Thanks!

I'm a judge (again) for Iron Writer Grudge Match 2. I did my own take with the 4 'elements' and it was difficult because it had to be a certain type of poem (Terza Rima - a strict form!) I read the 4 contenders and they didn't do any better than me, so I'm happy. There are 2 good ones, 2 not-so-good ones. Only one of the poems uses all 4 elements correctly, and is more entertaining than the others. So I give my vote to that one (if you wanna know, just check them out yourself...

AND this blog got a mention on 'The Freedom of Speech Daily' here under 'Stories'...

Things to do... what happens in the November WEBook Challenge... Grudge Match 3 and see what happens (early/mid December..probably Challenge 42)...
...continue to write up the Iron Writer Challenges + Weekend Quickies until Week 52 and publish 'Dani's Shorts 2'...
...continue to work on 'How to' until it is finished and publish it to 'rapturous' applause....maybe...

Friday, November 29, 2013

And that's your problem

Sometimes I've got my 'hate' head on...

Priest: So you don't believe in God?
Me: No, I don't.
Priest: He is all around you.
Me: Is he? Okay, let's do a deal. You willing to do a deal?
Priest: I...err...
Me: For 10 seconds I'll believe in God.
Priest: Ah-ha...
Me: And then I'll tell you how I feel.
Priest: Ah, yes.
Me. And then for 10 seconds you don't believe in God.
Priest: I don't think I...
Me: Okay, here I go...
Priest: ...
Me. Right. At first I was happier, much happier. I knew God was responsible for everything in my life. Then I realised he was looking down on me and judging me and I felt guilty.
Priest: Oh, he...
Me: And now you.
Priest: I don't think I can do...
Me: Yeah, and that's your problem.

...and I'm the bad I killed 800 million people.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Feedback (so far) from a rough 'How to'

I already have a little feedback from about my 'How to' beginning, mostly some good solid points made - one guy said I should 'tag' my lines of dialogue..."I was never one for that," said Dani."Pass the salt," said Bob. "No," said Dani.
Need to sort my Short Pitch out...but here are the good things said, so far...
Debbie Roxburgh - "Well, this has certainly made me smile. I have been transported into a strange, madcap world of larger-than-life characters. Some of the scenes had a Monty Python feel to them as they are just so bizarre. There is also a strong element of fairy tale to it which makes for a refreshing mix.... it made me laugh..."

Jack Cerro - "certainly has the comedy angle"'s a bit quiet on both website, for me, ATM. WEBook is still 'happening'...
Alina Voyce - "Loved this! I've laughed my way through the first three sections and I'll be back to take a look at the rest as soon as I get a chance. You certainly have a talent for comedy, Dani!  I thought this first chapter was good, but this story just gets better and better!  :)"
SocialGadfly10 - "First let me say that you have a gift, to create such witty and down-right hilarious dialogue is something I can only dream of. This was simply brilliant..."
Erika Walter - "This was fast paced with great imagery and characterization. The voice was clear and spot on through all characters. It was corky and fun and light."
William Stone - "This was easy to read and fun. Good humor and tongue-in-cheek witticism. I would keep turning the page. Thanks for sharing and good luck."
EddieTol - "This was a fun romp, full of humor and tongue-in-cheek comments that work well together."
Aftab - "I do like this. It has the feel of some forgotten Monty Python sketch...Overall, very promising. I sense you'd make a good screenwriter."
Bob Lance - "How many times did I laugh outloud in 750 words? Three at least and lost my place each time. I wouldn't categorize the style or banter as whacky or confusing because I had a visual just from the dialogue. Dani, I have to have this book when you finish."
Ernest Lee - "...the wacky dialogue is very amusing indeed! I'd certainly be impelled to read."

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Facebook page

Yep, made one earlier this year but never promoted it. Now I'm starting. Please share it around, if that is, you want others to know :-)
Moving on with 'How to'...difficult day, had an afternoon of 'deja vu' and even what I can only describe as a 'vision'...are my 'art of dreaming' days coming back?

Friday, November 22, 2013

450th post! 'The Bath Scene'

Why has Goggle changed my whole setup? I need to go around the houses to get here now...anyway...
Just have to share this part with you, what I call 'the bath scene' :-)

'How to build a castle in seven easy steps'
Part 22

Had the little wooden duck been strategically placed? Dilch hoped so.
"What news from the messegners, Dilch? Do they have an answer?"
Wondbarn scrubbed with his favourite sponge. He had a collection of strangely shaped natural sponges taken from the shore, placed along the side of his bath.
The bull penis shaped sponge was already beginning to disturb Dilch.
"Yes? La la la!"
"Sire, there is an answer of sorts."
"Yes? Well, come out with it, Dilch. What did they say?"
"Probably something like 'Ahhh!', sire. Or maybe 'Urgh!'. Depends on the pain, I guess."
Wondbarn stopped scrubbing.
"You could've broken it to me a bit softer."
"Sorry, sire. I went to the camp, I saw what I saw. There is no reply, and no more messengers."
"A shame, a dying shame."
"Exactly, sir."
"There were a few more miles left in her, too."
"As the teeth go, sire, yes."
"Did you...?"
"No, sire, but I saw the other. Completely dead, stone dead. Good for afters, as the Perviams would say."
Wondbarn threw his sponge into the bath, splashing Dilch and displacing a little too much water. 
"Damn those Perviams! They think they can just ignore my like that, eat my messengers and force me to go down to the local market and pick out another play-thing! I've had it with them!"
"Sire, you could always go to war with them."
Wondbarn stood up, showing much too much of whatever he shouldn't to Dilch.
"Are you crazy, Dilch? Yes, of course my troops are superior to theirs, but the sheer waste of...of...of..."
"Life, sire?"
"No, wealth. It would take everything I have to fight them."
Wondbarn's head drooped.
Straponte ran in with a large smile, which was wiped off the instant he saw Wondbarn standing in the bath.
"No, Straponte, you're not disturbing us. What is it? My new toys?"
Straponte was frozen in position.
"My war machines. Are they ready?"
"Ready?" Dilch gave him a kick. "Yes! Yes, sire, they're ready...well, yes, ready...ish."
"Ready-ish? What the hell does that mean?"
Straponte turned his head to continue the conversation.
"Oh, don't mind my 'perfectionism', sire. Ready, yes, they are, almost certainly."
Wondbarn's shout sent Dilch back into the wall.
"I'm right here, sire, no need to shout."
"Just trying out my battle cry."
"Your battle cry is my name, sire?"
"It is when I'm in trouble."
"Thank you, sire." Dilch looked over at Straponte, who was showing signs of weariness and worry. "You still owe, me, git."
"Pass me my towel, Dilch."
"With pleasure."
"To arms, my dear fellows, to arms!"
"Shouldn't you dry your back first, sire?"
"Give me that towel!"

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Authonomy crashed??? Jottify then...UPDATE

I have absolutely no idea what happened to authonomy. Maybe I put my new book on and it crashed..."Oh, no! Not another one! I can't take it!" (pop)
So I'm putting the 1st 10,000 words on (a very quiet site, unless you're a poetic genius and 24 hour social junkie) it is (this is the link)...please leave a comment and a real name, I'd like to use them in/on the printed book.
I should 'win' NaNoWrimo this year, as much as you 'win' it - it's a personal writing challenge.
And Iron Writer Challenge 40 (Grudge 2) is beyond me, it's 'poetry' and a certain type - so alien to me - I'll have to keep it in the collection, but I'll put a 'WARNING' notice on it..."Not for human consumption".

Oh, I've never been top of the list on jottify before :-) 'History' is made...

'How to' - first 10,000 words (rough)

Well, for those who'd like to have a read, here are the 1st 10,000 words of 'How to'. They're a bit rough ATM, I'm feeling so well, maybe I'm hallocinating, they are. Any comment would be well received. Any bad comment won't be. Give it to Grisham.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Killing Brian Y Rogers

Yes, I've even 'killed Brian Y Rogers', along with other Iron Writers...

Got myself on, a site with just covers. Here's a screen, 'Manna-X' is on November 19th, about halfway down...

Still working on 'How to', got a few 'eureka' moments...

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Iron Writer and Nanowrimo and Life

Life and Nanowrimo (and Iron Writer for its part) is keeping me away from here.
So, here's a post.
Did Weekend Quickie #10, you'll find it here, along with some others which are just as nice :-)
Still working on 'How to', and it's coming along fine, so fine. 50,000+ words is easy, but it has to be the RIGHT words. Beginning is here.
And here's my 'take' of Iron Writer's Challenge 39, if that's what takes your fancy :-) This'll be included in 'Dani's Shorts 2' in about 4 months.

39 - Like father…

(can of Campbell’s Alphabet Soup, the phrase “Live long and Prosper”,  2000 year old Map of the Earth, empty Snuff Box)

"Why can't he be like other boys of his age, play Angry Birds, or collect football cards?"
Don chased his wife around the house as she put the ironed clothes away to their places.
"Do you really want him to be like all the other boys? That's not the guy I used to know. Whatever happened to the 'my boy will be different' speech?"
They had now moved to the kitchen and were getting the lunch ready. She opened a can of Campbell's Alphabet soup and shared the contents out into three bowls. Don put the first into the microwave and set it off for 1 minute 30 seconds.
"Gone. Especially when he starts collecting every Star Trek collectable he can find, wears those poxy suits everywhere we go and says that stupid phrase 'Live long and prosper' whenever he leaves a room!"
Their son came into the room wearing a red 'guess-who-will-be-killed-in-the-next-scene' Star Trek security guard shirt and a Geordi La Forge VISOR (Visual Instrument and Sensory Organ Replacement) device over his eyes. His mother waited for the microwave to 'ping', took the bowl out, put it on a tray along with a spoon and handed it over to her son. He left the kitchen, but not before…
"Live long and prosper."
"So he has some…eccentricities."
"Eccentricities? Eccentricities! That boy needs help. We should call a psychiatrist."
"What? No way, darling, we're not calling a shrink. Our son's just going through a phase, that's all."
"Like the cutting and scribbling phase?"
"That was 10 years ago, Don. Perfectly normal for a five-year-old."
"What, taking my antique globe down from the shelf and scribbling all over my priceless copy of Agrippa's 2,000-year-old Orbis Terrarum which was wrapped around the top? Why couldn't he draw on walls like any other kid?"
"How was he to know that map was priceless? It was your fault for leaving it out like that."
Don slammed his palm on the counter.
"It was five feet up on the top shelf!"
"He's a good climber, isn't he? His P.E. teacher says he's doing well."
"What? I don't care what his P.E. teacher says! He's not the one whose 17th century snuff box just got turned into a James T. Kirk communicator!"
"You must admit, the lid does flip open like one."
"Besides, you never used it for anything, it was always empty."
"It's an antique! Not a toy!"
Don's wife passed him a ham sandwich.
"Thanks. Look, I don't care what you say, he's not right in the head. I'm calling Doctor Leanstein."
"If you must, darling. But really, I think you're just as much to blame as anyone."
He put the phone down before having a chance to dial.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I'm as liberal as a wife can be, but there will come a point where I'll have to make a stand."
Don stood up in his pink negligee and matching silk brassiere and knickers.
"What are you talking about?"  

Monday, November 11, 2013

A post

I have a few minutes. How are you?
Didn't win the October WEbook challenge... I think my story wasn't scary enough, it was just a 'trial'. I would be happy, however, to be in the Top 5 in November. My 'first chapter' has already 132 views and 4 and 1/2 stars out of 5, so even if I don't 'get' anything, I've had some nice feedback which I can use later.
Working on the rest of the book at the moment. Is it just me? I found an anagram for 'vampire'..."I'm a perv." Yes, there will be vampires/cannibals in this one, and 3 stinky witches, and battling tribes, and hopefully a lot of laughs/giggles for you :-)
Still writing up all the challenges and weekend quickies on Iron Writer. Check out my latest Quickie :-)

Monday, November 4, 2013

Why am I still writing?

After losing one of the Iron Writer Equinox finals by 1 stinking vote (in a cut-short vote), I had thoughts of stopping.
...but (apologies to those who wish me to stop) I realised after a few days that no matter what, I like writing, and there are a growing number of people who like my writing. Even on WEbook, the latest website I'm trying out, there's an 'audience' for my stuff. Tonight I got a few more ideas, and I also realised that only I am having these ideas...for example, my family was arguing about how to say their.names in 'rhythm clapping'...strange, but hey. That got me thinking...

(musicians start arguing)
"No, it's 'dah dah de dah de de dah dah', always has been, always will be."

"What? Are you crazy? It's 'dah dah de de dah de dah dah'. That's how it's played."

"You are so wrong, my learned colleague."

"Learned colleague, my arse. You're always 'dah dah de dah'ing when you know for a fact that it should be 'dah dah de de dah de dah dah'!"

"Oh, 'de de dah tippy tippy dah dah'!"

"How dare you swear at me! 'De dah tippy dah de de tippy tippy dah dah'!"

"Don't you bring your mother into this! I hardly knew her!" who else would get that kind of idea! :-) It's in the next book :-)

Sunday, November 3, 2013

How to write (basic outline)

Thought I'd do a post on this, some basics, kind of like a computer program...remember, anyone can write, it's just a case of whether you can write anything 'good'...

1. Write something.
2. Read it. Did you puke? If you did, go to 20
3. You didn't puke? Wait until tomorrow...
4. It's tomorrow. Read it. If you puked, go to 20
5. So you thought it was pretty good? Go to 10
6. Rewrite what you wrote earlier.
7. Is it any good now? If so, go to 10
8. Ah, so it sucks? But it didn't make you puke? Mmm, let me think...
9. Stop fooling yourself, go to 20
10. Place your writing somewhere, jottify, WeBook, wherever you can get feedback from strangers.
11. Was the feedback good? If not, go to 1
12. Okay, so you might have something...
13. Write some more
14. Read it. Did you puke? If you did, perhaps the first was a fluke, so go to 20
15. Try writing in another genre or style, or take a writing challenge, ie. Iron Writer or Writers Write prompts.
16. Read your writing. If it was good, write more, go to 18
17. It wasn't good? Pick the best, they are your writing styles, and stick to them until you feel you can extend yourself to others.
18. Go write a book and market the shit out of it.
19. Sit back and dream...
20. Live your life. Go back to 1 when you feel like picking up a pen.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Halloween story on WeBook 'Same Old John'

Put a Halloween story up on 'WeBook', 749 words (500-750 word competition). In only a few days it got  4 stars and 5 nice comments. Win the ipad Mini? Don't think so...but who knows?
Go there and have a read if you wish :-) (maybe this wil take you there...if not, search for 'Same Old John'...

Lots of hits for Dani J Cailr on Iron Writer...

Looks like I'm helping 'Iron Writer' more than I think I am! :-)
If you look at the Iron Writer's website stats for October 2013, you'll notice here that the 1st real page is the Challenge 11 (my first win) which got over 10,000 hits in October (it was in May 2013). Then, the 2nd real page down there's the Autumn Equinox Final (which I lost by 1 vote due to sloppy management of rules and website) and finally the 3rd real page is the Autumn Equinox Hemingway Bracket (which I won)...'Dani J Caile' has a few friends :-)

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Another post...

I've just noticed I haven't posted on my blog for a week or so...
After the 'fiasco' of the Autumn Equinox Open (because that's what it was, losing by 1 vote), just didn't have anything to write...losing to a guy with only 3 out of 4 elements + sloppy website management ('an hour or so' is not 25 minutes - one more minute and I would've won by 5 votes)
Anyway, NaNoWriMo is starting tomorrow and I'm ready. 50,000 words in one month. Perhaps I'll get my new book written...

Thursday, October 17, 2013

The FINAL!!! Need votes!

Yes, it's the FINAL!!!
I really need your votes and your friends votes and your relatives votes and your pets votes and your neighbours votes and your...I think ya get it :-) Please come and vote for 'Dani J Caile' - Miley Cyrus? on Iron Writer Autumn Equinox Open!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

More Great reviews! :-)

I got this review today from  'Motherskiss', thank you :-)

5.0 out of 5 stars I LOVED EVERY CHARACTER IN THIS BOOK.... October 16, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition|Amazon Verified Purchase
...the immortal, the dead, the vain and even the ones dumb as bricks and snotty nosed! In his first book Caile has earned his place by Gaiman and Christopher Moore..Oh yeah and fellow Englishman who wrote "I, Lucifer" . Thank goodness I was lucky enough to catch all of his books while they were free. He now has one more follower!!!!


...and I have some more FANTASTIC reviews from Christoph Fischer, a Top 1000 reviewer! Thank you, sir! He's hooked :-) AND he can write! His books are VERY GOOD! I'll write another post about that later...

Here's his review about 'Rage'...

5.0 out of 5 stars Inspired October 15, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition
"The Rage of Atlantis" by Dani J Caile is the fourth book by this author that I am reading in direct succession. I got hooked on his absurd yet clever sense of humour after the first. Caile's work features fantasy creatures, biblical themes and of course in this excellent book the myth of Atlantis.
This is a thriller with heavenly intervention, a moral tale about greed and corruption, a magical fantasy story and a very funny read, all in one book.
Caile has a knack for presenting human nature with sharp observational humour but by bringing in absurd and hilarious elements he keeps his readers engaged and entertained. His characters are well put together, his choice of plot is truly inspired yet his themes are never far from reality.
A captivating book. 
 This one is on 'Beth. Fiasco'...

5.0 out of 5 stars Clever and very funny October 13, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition
"The Bethlehem Fiasco" by Dani J. Caile is the third of his books I have read in short succession and is probably my favourite. Similar to The Life of Brian it is a satirical and humorous take on the Jesus Story but in a different way, particularly as it is less political and over the top but instead more benign, respectful and good humoured.
I felt that instead of being a satire on Jesus the book uses the Jesus story as means to joke about humans in general. Caile does a great job at introducing contemporary and modern elements into the story, such as the Egyptian 'Bistro', and portraying Heaven as yet another administrative nightmare. The three wise men have funny accents, Jesus has run out of cash and has to asks his father and so on. All of this serves to make us feel closer to the Jesus story than distancing us from it. To imagine Jesus as a 'performer' and his friends as regular pals adds value to my understanding of his story but thankfully there is no pro or anti message in it either.
The book is full of very funny and original ideas and is meant to entertain in a clever and intelligent way and that is certainly accomplished. Caile has clearly put a lot of deep thought into this. The comparison to Pythons stands only because so few have attempted the subject successfully.
A very rewarding and funny read.

Big 2 day promotion over :-(

It was quite successful, I'd say, my big '5 ebook' 2 day promo.
Almost 1000 downloads! (almost!)
I had some help from tweeters and this website...

I hope to get a few more reviews...

Here's the breakdown from Amazon....
Downloads (from) - 88% / - 8% / - 2% / - 1% / - 1/2% ...and a few downloads from and (none from France, Spain, Japan, China)
Downloads (what)
Manna-X - 50%  / Man by a tree - 20% / Bethlehem Fiasco - 15% / Rage - 10% / Dani's Shorts 5%
Manna-X - #727 in and #11 in Humor & Satire > General Humor
Man by a tree - #1619 in and #20  Humor & Satire > General Humor
Beth Fiasco - #2511 in
Rage - #4040 in (#3279 in
Dani's Shorts- #5670 in and #60  Humor & Satire > General Humor

Monday, October 14, 2013

5 books FREE - 14th and 15th October

Yes, for 2 days, all my books are FREE...
Man by a tree, Beth Fiasco, Rage, Manna-X, even Dani's Shorts on Amazon (it's always free on is TDX2)
So, please download what you don't already have, and TELL YOUR FRIENDS!
I'm looking to hit another 'life achievement'...
Thanks! :-)

Sunday, October 13, 2013

GREAT review of 'Manna-X'

Another GREAT review of Manna-X!!!

5.0 out of 5 stars Clever, funny and a good story, October 12, 2013
This review is from: Manna-X (Kindle Edition)
"Manna-X" by Dani J. Caile is a greatly entertaining fantasy story set in the realms of both, heaven and earth. Bureaucracy governs heaven as much as it does on earth. God (Reginald), death (Graham) and the angels argue over supply issues and the request for Manna-X (which is by now several thousand years late).
Time travel, recovery of memory from a dead body and said Manna-X machine are just some parts of this highly original and well written piece, whose humour shows parallels to the great Pythons, Pratchett and Douglas Adams.
Hobgoblins, a Hungarian librarian and Satan are other figures in the colourful cast that on its own would guarantee an enjoyable reading experience. I smirked and laughed out loud at their sill or eccentric behaviours - after all, they (and we) behave all like monkeys in the eye of the author, and who could disprove him! Caile is brilliant at pointing out the absurd of the mundane and the mundane in his supernatural/ paranormal...
However,in this book the plot is particularly evolved and the 'hunt' for Manna-X and the narrative structure are cleverly set up and executed.
This is a great book for fans of absurd and comic fantasy but also for fans of satire and intelligent observational humour. Highly recommended.

Friday, October 11, 2013

New reviews of 'Man by a tree' FREE on 14th+15th October!

Thank you Christoph and Tallyrand! Two 5* reviews! This ebook will be free on Monday and Tuesday :-)

5.0 out of 5 stars Angels, death and hobgoblins October 9, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition
"Man by a Tree" by Dani J. Caile is an entertaining and clever short novel in the tradition of Douglas Adams, Monthy Python and Terry Pratchett.
It playfully concerns God, Death, Satan and some angels in their daily routine of doing their job. Trying to see those mythical creatures as human or employees with job descriptions and a sense of humour worked remarkably well for me. Unlike other works in the religious parody/ fantasy spectrum Caile never turns disrespectful or offensive, his story is mostly pleasant and light hearted.
Making Death and God mere employers however serves as a reflection on modern life, the changes for better and for worse since the bible was written and when the concept of God and Satan entered our human consciousness. Would I like to live forever, I wondered, when everything established and comfortably known is replaced by new things? I very much liked Graham Reader (as the Grim Reaper is known in the book)and his fellow immortals.
If you cannot see the deeper and philosophical side to this story you can still enjoy it for the playful and original writing and plot. Very readable.

5.0 out of 5 stars Stimulating and Entertaining September 30, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition
I have been a fan of this author since reading Manna-X and this book doesn't disappoint. It's one of Dani J Caile's early work but all the elements of the later works are here. Recommended for anyone looking for a bit of intellectual escapism.

I might do this a lot more often :-)

Some playas is sick...

My fuckin playa Peter is dunkadelic fo' realz. And his chipmunk. Peter wants ta translate a funky-ass book n' git it up in Hungarian bookshops. I applaude his muthafuckin ass. I hope da ruffneck do dat shit. Well shiiiit, it would be wonderful! I sit up in anticipation.
I have thug playas. They is dunkadelic. They CAN write n' have hit dat shiznit hard n' gotz a gangbangin' following, one of dem now writes full-time biaaatch! They even give me encouragement n' say I should be hyped already :-)
I 'belong' ta Iron Writas n' they just pimped out son!
I have thug acquiantances...enough bout em...
I have readers. They're pimped out son! Some even give me props, n' most tell me how tha fuck much they enjoyed mah books, n' wanna read more.
Then I have...well, phat luck.
New book is comin along fine. It aint nuthin but healin sickly.

Monday, October 7, 2013

QR code

Found a QR code generator...well, just remembered to search for one, that's all.
Copy and paste this picture wherever you can :-) It leads to this blog...hopefully.
Still in the running for the Hemingway bracket...but by not much...
Scan that :-) ...if you're ready...

Please vote!

Whoever is reading this, please go and vote for my story, 'Reynolds' Last Laugh' on Iron Writer.
I'm just in the lead, but I fear those votes are not enough, as there are still almost 4 days's very important to win this time, as it's the Hemingway bracket!

This morning I was in the mood to write out the plot for HTBACI7ES. So, be ready, it'll be coming out of my head soon. Perhaps for NaNoWriMo...

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Tricky times

In just under 2 weeks, all my books will be free! (Yes, including 'Man by a tree') For 2 days...October 14th and 15th - well, I've planned it.
And now is the time to vote :-) Yes, Iron Writer time...please get everyone you know to vote for the best story here...thank you :-)

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Some people are nice...

My friend Peter is fantastic. And his chipmunk. Peter wants to translate a book and get it in Hungarian bookshops. I applaud him. I hope he does it. It would be wonderful! I sit in anticipation.
I have writer friends. They are fantastic. They CAN write and have worked hard and have a following, one of them now writes full-time! They even give me encouragement and say I should be famous already :-)
I 'belong' to Iron Writers and they're just great!
I have writer acquaintances...enough about them...
I have readers. They're great! Some even give me reviews, and most tell me how much they enjoyed my books, and want to read more.
Then I have...well, good luck.
New book is coming along fine. It's healing nicely.

Friday, September 27, 2013

More Iron Writer!

Got myself in the Iron Writer Grudge Match 2 with a little playful insulting, that'll be fun - in November some time.
In November...oh, that's NaNoWriMo time! I'll have to scratch 50,000 words together!
And I'm in the Autumn Equinox Open Elimination Round, that's happening very soon.
Other than that, a close acquaintance is translating 'Manna-X' into Hungarian and is threatening to publish it! Good on ya :-)

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Ranks on

After that small success from the promo, my ranks on Amazon moved...just for the day... Author rank #76,283
Kindle books - #31,478
Kindle - Lit and Fic - #15,801
Kindle - Lit and Fic - Fantasy - #1,677
Books - #76,171
Books - Lit and Fic - #19,275
Books - Lit and Fic - Sci Fi & Fantasy - #3,885
Books - Lit and Fic - Sci Fi & Fantasy - Fantasy - #2,210 (#2,075 Sept 14th)

Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #94,400 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)

But Canada (which shows me not much happens there)...

Some success...OK, a little...

The 1 day promo from was a small success, a got a few sales on
It's nice, this is probably my most successful month in sales, due to free promos, interviews, the promo.
In October, all of my ebooks will be FREE on the 14th and 15th, as there will be another website who will promote me on the get more readers is the aim :-)
My latest Hungarian translator has finally started to look at 'Manna-X' and he says good things :-)
AND...I was a judge on Iron Writer's 1st ever Grudge Match, it was a one horse race, really. But now it looks like I'll participate in Grudge Match 2, as I have been 'officially insulted' (a bit of fun)...AND I'll be in the Autumn Solstice Open...AND I'm writing up "How to build a castle in 7 easy steps" (slowly)...busy :-)

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

'Manna-X' on!!!

Yeah! Got put on the 1st on the page!
Only today, though, but hey! I wonder how many people will see this?
Anyway, let's see if it dos anything...
Here's a screenshot :-)

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Post in

Yes, I'll have a post in newsletter on 24th September 2013. It's my usual spiel, but HEY, I'm in a newsletter, with 'Manna-X' !!
If you want to subscribe to the newsletter, go here...
And if I'm lucky, today this blog will get 100 hits today!
Update: ...yes, it did :-)

Weekend Quickies

Taking a few minutes out to write this post. It's surprising how many hits this blog gets nowadays, especially seeing as I haven't posted for days, perhaps weeks. As Dean Martin said "I had a special request, but I'll sing anyway."
Did the 2nd Weekend Quickie at Iron Writer (also did the 1st)
Just scroll down and read my 200 word (exactly) parody of Austen.
Keeping up with the Iron Writer Challenge, 'Dani's Shorts 2' is filling up, and I'm ready to try the Autumn Equinox Open. I'm in the Ernest Hemingway division, a personal goal achieved! My name is connected to my hero! OK, it's a tiny connection, but there it is :-)
And working on the first of my 2 ideas, 'How to build a castle in 7 easy steps'. Healing nicely...
How about you?

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Review of 'Manna-X' (Sept 18th 2013)

Got a review for 'Manna-X'. I hope more will appear. It's 4 stars, but I'll take it! :-)Thanks, Maeve!

4.0 out of 5 stars Quirky and amusing, September 18, 2013
Maeve Sleibhin
This is a nuanced, entertaining, irreverent read, engaging and quirky. While at times I felt that the writer was letting the humour run away from him, and that his irreverence at times risked undermining his basic premises, there is a subtle absurdity that runs through the whole thing and keeps the pacing strong. It is unexpected and quite funny at times. 

Demo cover of "How to"

Yesterday I showed the cover of Dani's Shorts 2 (unfinished, of course, now onto Challenge 31 out of 52, just 21 more weeks left). Today I'll show the cover of 'How to'. This is so far the best I've come up with in Createspace's Cover editor...(background is has to be...there's a code in there somewhere...:-))

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Typing block

No, I don't have writer's block, I have typing block...later...
Here's the cover of the 2nd volume of short stories, it'll be ready once Challenge 52 is out (on 30 ATM)...

And here's a very small and rough snippet from my new book (there are 2 on the go, this is the 1st)..."How to build a castle in 7 easy steps" :-) (only about 5000 words down so far)

"8.30, 8.30, any advance on 8.30?"
"8.40 to the man in the shorts. 8.40, 8.40…"
"Thank you, sir. 8.45 to you, sir, 8.45, 8.45…"
"8.50 to the man in the shorts, again. 8.50, 8.50, any advance on 8.50? 8.50, going once, going twice…"
"9.00! To the old man in the long robe and beard. 9.00, 9.00, any more bids? 9.00, 9.00…going once, going twice…(bang)…time is sold to the old man in the long robe and beard. Congratulations, sir."
"That 'll come in handy, that will."